My fellow Americans, get stuffed. After four years of a government with all the integrity of a syphilitic pimp shoplifting at Woolworth’s, it comes to this: you want more. The maladministration of George W. Bush is a disaster, the first four years of which will echo down the dust-farinated halls of history, turning heads for centuries like an outburst of flatulence at the New York Public Library. But another four years of this mincing pack of rabiators will guarantee us a noise that will be heard in eternity. Even George Washington will be forgotten, two thousand years from now. History is full of guys like him: remember Caecilius Metellus? Won the battle of Pydna, 148 BC? Me either, but he had George Washington’s chops back in the day. I know it’s hard to imagine, but American history will someday be very old news indeed, and even the greatest men will be reduced to a name. George W. Bush will rank highest among these. Here is a schoolchild’s rhyme from the year 4,327 AD:
Columbus named America in 1492,
Lincoln fixed it when it broke in two,
Things were good for a couple hundred years
‘Till George W. Bush: the Bum of All Fears.
That’s the entire litany of American history, twenty centuries from now. Does this bit of verse suggest there are no more presidents after Bush? No. There might be several (although they’ll all be appointed). Rather Bush represents the end of American history as a noteworthy subject. It is Bush who will preside over the final ruin of America’s promise to the world, the despoiling of her natural treasures, the failure to respond in time to global climate change, Bush who will be the cementer of ‘intolerance’ as the defining characteristic of our people. The French are great lovers, although there hasn’t been a great French lover in seventy years. The Germans are warlike, although they’ve behaved themselves for half a century. Americans are intolerant: they voted for Bush. It’s just our bad luck that the entire course of history happens to hinge on this particular span of years, and we chose Bozo the Hun for a president.
And don’t go mewling about how only half of us voted for him. Don’t you dare, or I’ll smack your bottom. Even if you include the 5% of votes jiggered by the electronic voting machines (based on the discrepancy between exit polls and votes counted), a vast number of Americans cast ballots for this empty little sociopath. Driven by hate, fear, and a headful of helium, millions of Americans took the lowest road and voted for the worst interests of everything and everybody in the whole wide mother-loving world. Why is Nero still remembered? Because he presided over the destruction of something important. Washington? He fathered a great nation. Lincoln? He saved that nation’s life. Bush? See Nero. But am I being furibund here? Sho am, boss. But I’m not exaggerating. We have two presidential elections in a row clouded with suspicion and doubt and chicanery, and the same cretin won both times. Will his people push to strike the law forbidding a third, fourth, eighth term? Of course. Will he continue destroying everything this nation has ever held dear, in the name of everything this nation has ever held dear? Yes, and here’s why.
The American voter, the Average Joe, is a poltroon. This wretched specimen has the wit of a condolence card, the courage of a shaved rabbit, the morals of a schoolyard dope peddler, the integrity of a counterfeit nickel, and the gall of a second-hand coffin salesman. I take no consolation from anything. My fellow citizens are colder-blooded than serpents and stupider than a sack of toenails. How dare you vote against other Americans? That’s all ‘morals’ is, these days: a code word for hate. How many millions of puffed-up poisonous psalm-singing sons-of-Birchers voted, not for Bush, but against queers? Against black people and Northerners and single women and poor children? What is the matter with you, that you want nothing more in this life than to stick a jackboot into the ribs of the downtrodden? There is no common good any more. Jesus Christ Himself would barf all over his anointed feet to see you venal, venomous vermin vituperate via votes. You elected George W. Bush, the Pontius Pilate of our age. Quit playing the outraged outsider, Christian soldiers. You got away with another election, you outnumbered the righteous, and we will all get everything you deserve. Bush and his gang of Confederate oliomaniacs will see to that. Here’s what makes me sick: the last time, Americans voted for this Hakencreuz Hillbilly because he misrepresented what he was about. This time, they knew exactly what he was about, and they voted for him anyway.
BEN TRIPP can be reached at email@example.com.
His book, ‘Square In The Nuts’, has been held up at the printers by thugs but will be released as soon as hostage negotiations conclude.
See also www.cafeshops.com/tarantulabros.