The “Name the New DC Team” contest is over and after dissecting more than 200 e-mails and 1,000 entries I am twitching more than George W. on debate night.
Entries ran the gamut from anti-war, to anti-racist, to just damn funny. We therefore have preliminary awards before we name the winner of his or her own custom-made t-shirt.
1 — Best Anti-War Baseball Name
We received among others, the DC Shock and Awe, the Warlords, the WMDS, the Bombers, the Pre-emptive Strikes, the Chickenhawks, the Abu-Ghraibers, and by far the most popular entrant, the Imperials. The winner, more for its delicate subtlety, was from Joe Ciarrocco: The Washington Tobacco Chewing War mongers.
2 — Best Anti-Racist Baseball Name
This is nice since the confederate confines of talk radio have been hee-hawing about naming the team the Anacostia Crack Heads, since nothing is funnier than racism (maybe we should call the team the DC Oxy-Contins with a puffed up Rush Limbaugh as mascot). In this contest, people kicked up instead of down. Names here included the Washington Greenbacks, Blackskins, Honkies or White Crackers (to stick it to the hometown Redskins.) Also the John Birchers, the Whistling Dixies, the Fetchits, and the Arrogant Fascist Bastards were put forward. But Peter Couvares had the most uplifting entry, the Anacostia Abolitionists — a perfect name for the historic home of Frederick Douglass — which Mayor Anthony Williams would surely raze to the ground if it meant extra stadium parking.
3 — Best Funny Name
Loved the thought of the Washington Consensus, the Lesser Evils, the Freedom Fries, the DC LeGrees, the Ashcroftettes, the Caligulas, the Slumlords, the Horde (“named after the Mongols, the last bunch of Barbarians to sack Baghdad” — Steve Vinson ) the Capital City Conspirators, and the very popular, Washington Shitheads. The best here has to go to MichaelCeraolo who wrote, “Call them the Washington Irvings. Why? Because you wake up after an extended nap and find that the crappy baseball in your town hasn’t changed.”
4 — Best Angry Name from a Candian
There are a lot of angry Canadian Baseball fans out there pissed at losing their Expos. (This is surprising given that there were more empty seats at Montrealís Olympic stadium this year than a Promise Keepers rally in Harlem.) These folks wanted to name the team The Washington Montreal Expos, or the Expose. The best was once again from Jeff Shaw who thought of a brilliant way to piss off both Baltimore Orioles owner Peter Angelos and DC Mayor Tony Williams in one fell swoop: Just call them The Exporioles.
But we do have an overall winner of a t-shirt with our new name for the D.C. baseball team. This goes to an entry that cuts to the heart here in this swampland of colonial graft. The winner is Andrew Grice with his name, “The D.C. Denied.” As he wrote in with his selection, “Say it a few times. The D.C. Denied. Denied statehood, real home rule, and real political representation.” It also works because even though an overwhelming majority of DC residents do not want a publicly funded $440 million stadium (70% according to an SEIU sponsored poll) we have been denied a say in this process. But that is beginning to shift. As Anacostia resident Frederick Douglass put it, “Power concedes nothing without a demand.” Rumblings of a demand to cease this stadium swindle are catching wind in the DC streets and Mayor Williams is quivering more than Bill OíReilly at a N.O.W. convention. We will be heard
As Patrick Wilkison wrote in, “I do not think you can insult these people enough so that they notice. THE TEAM is not the issue but real estate speculation and land relationships as a whole…Maybe we have to take a few bats to the right balls.”
DAVE ZIRIN has a book coming out, What’s My Name, Fool: sports and resistance in the United States (Haymarket Books) comes out in spring 2005. To have his column sent to you every week, just e-mail email@example.com.
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