As Told to Esquire Magazine
You can never guess what I did on my holsie! I went all the way to IWAQ!! Iwaq is a place far far far away, but Uncle Halli Burton who owns all of Iwaq (and also owns Uncle Dick Cheney) flew me there in an AEWOPLANE! It was so neat!
Iwaq is a tewwible mess, for we bombed and bombed and bombed them and killed thousands and thousands and thousands of them because their pwesident is howwid and has a moustache and Uncle Dick and Uncle Halli wants all their oil. So we did, and now the Iwaqis are all very dead and we won, SO THERE!
And Uncle Halli makes lots and lots of money to rebuild everything that we bombed. He has lots of fun! But guess what? The ones we didn’t kill are cwoss with us and want to SHOOT us!! The Iwaqis are such SORE LOSERS! BOO to them! Just because we invaded them and killed them and bombed all their hospitals and houses, and they aren’t even GWATEFUL! So we call them tewwowists!
But Uncle Halli is very very clever and hired lots and lots of mercenaries! I looked it up in my dictionary and it says a mercenary is someone you can hire to kill people so uncle Halli says it’s much better to call them Secwuwity Consultants! It’s weally good to have secwuwity consultants ’cause nobody can find out what they do all day and they can kill anyone they like and have lots of guns and go bang bang shoot shoot! And GUESS WHAT? They let me play with them! They are weally cool dudes and they even let me hold a REAL GUN! I was so excited my pee-pee got hard! It’s TWUE! I even have a picture of me holding a WEAL GUN!!
And they work for all kinds of cool dudes as well like pwesident Taylor in Africa (that’s where black people come from!). And it doesn’t matter if they kill lots of howwid Iwaqis ’cause the Iwaqis don’t use toilet paper!!!!!!! They DON’T! They are GWOSS!! And they don’t like dogs either. I think all Iwaqis are horrid since they are sore losers and wipe their botties with their HANDS! YUCK!
When I gwow up I want to be a secwuwity consultant too and work for Uncle Halli and kill people all day long and make lots and lots of money. That’s why I’m pwoud to be American, ’cause we can go bang bang shoot shoot anytime we LIKE!