FacebookTwitterGoogle+RedditEmail

What I Did on My Vacation

(Aged 9)

As Told to Esquire Magazine

You can never guess what I did on my holsie! I went all the way to IWAQ!! Iwaq is a place far far far away, but Uncle Halli Burton who owns all of Iwaq (and also owns Uncle Dick Cheney) flew me there in an AEWOPLANE! It was so neat!

Iwaq is a tewwible mess, for we bombed and bombed and bombed them and killed thousands and thousands and thousands of them because their pwesident is howwid and has a moustache and Uncle Dick and Uncle Halli wants all their oil. So we did, and now the Iwaqis are all very dead and we won, SO THERE!

And Uncle Halli makes lots and lots of money to rebuild everything that we bombed. He has lots of fun! But guess what? The ones we didn’t kill are cwoss with us and want to SHOOT us!! The Iwaqis are such SORE LOSERS! BOO to them! Just because we invaded them and killed them and bombed all their hospitals and houses, and they aren’t even GWATEFUL! So we call them tewwowists!

But Uncle Halli is very very clever and hired lots and lots of mercenaries! I looked it up in my dictionary and it says a mercenary is someone you can hire to kill people so uncle Halli says it’s much better to call them Secwuwity Consultants! It’s weally good to have secwuwity consultants ’cause nobody can find out what they do all day and they can kill anyone they like and have lots of guns and go bang bang shoot shoot! And GUESS WHAT? They let me play with them! They are weally cool dudes and they even let me hold a REAL GUN! I was so excited my pee-pee got hard! It’s TWUE! I even have a picture of me holding a WEAL GUN!!

And they work for all kinds of cool dudes as well like pwesident Taylor in Africa (that’s where black people come from!). And it doesn’t matter if they kill lots of howwid Iwaqis ’cause the Iwaqis don’t use toilet paper!!!!!!! They DON’T! They are GWOSS!! And they don’t like dogs either. I think all Iwaqis are horrid since they are sore losers and wipe their botties with their HANDS! YUCK!

When I gwow up I want to be a secwuwity consultant too and work for Uncle Halli and kill people all day long and make lots and lots of money. That’s why I’m pwoud to be American, ’cause we can go bang bang shoot shoot anytime we LIKE!

So THERE!

 

More articles by:
July 17, 2018
Conn Hallinan
Trump & The Big Bad Bugs
Robert Hunziker
Trump Kills Science, Nature Strikes Back
John Grant
The Politics of Cruelty
Kenneth Surin
Calculated Buffoonery: Trump in the UK
Binoy Kampmark
Helsinki Theatrics: Trump Meets Putin
Patrick Bond
BRICS From Above, Seen Critically From Below
Jim Kavanagh
Fighting Fake Stories: The New Yorker, Israel and Obama
Daniel Falcone
Chomsky on the Trump NATO Ruse
W. T. Whitney
Oil Underground in Neuquén, Argentina – and a New US Military Base There
Doug Rawlings
Ken Burns’ “The Vietnam War” was Nominated for an Emmy, Does It Deserve It?
Rajan Menon
The United States of Inequality
Thomas Knapp
Have Mueller and Rosenstein Finally Gone Too Far?
Cesar Chelala
An Insatiable Salesman
Dean Baker
Truth, Trump and the Washington Post
Mel Gurtov
Human Rights Trumped
Binoy Kampmark
Putin’s Football Gambit: How the World Cup Paid Off
July 16, 2018
Sheldon Richman
Trump Turns to Gaza as Middle East Deal of the Century Collapses
Charles Pierson
Kirstjen Nielsen Just Wants to Protect You
Brett Wilkins
The Lydda Death March and the Israeli State of Denial
Patrick Cockburn
Trump Knows That the US Can Exercise More Power in a UK Weakened by Brexit
Robert Fisk
The Fisherman of Sarajevo Told Tales Past Wars and Wars to Come
Gary Leupp
When Did Russia Become an Adversary?
Uri Avnery
“Not Enough!”
Dave Lindorff
Undermining Trump-Putin Summit Means Promoting War
Manuel E. Yepe
World Trade War Has Begun
Binoy Kampmark
Trump Stomps Britain
Wim Laven
The Best Deals are the Deals that Develop Peace
Kary Love
Can We Learn from Heinrich Himmler’s Daughter? Should We?
Jeffrey St. Clair
Franklin Lamb, Requiescat in Pace
Weekend Edition
July 13, 2018
Friday - Sunday
Brian Cloughley
Lessons That Should Have Been Learned From NATO’s Destruction of Libya
Paul Street
Time to Stop Playing “Simon Says” with James Madison and Alexander Hamilton
Jeffrey St. Clair
Roaming Charges: In the Land of Formula and Honey
Aidan O'Brien
Ireland’s Intellectuals Bow to the Queen of Chaos 
Michael Collins
The Affirmative Action Silo
Andrew Levine
Tipping Points
Geoff Dutton
Fair and Balanced Opinion at the New York Times
Ajamu Baraka
Cultural and Ideological Struggle in the US: a Final Comment on Ocasio-Cortez
David Rosen
The New McCarthyism: Is the Electric Chair Next for the Left?
Ken Levy
The McConnell Rule: Nasty, Brutish, and Unconstitutional
George Wuerthner
The Awful Truth About the Hammonds
Robert Fisk
Will Those Killed by NATO 19 Years Ago in Serbia Ever Get Justice?
Robert Hunziker
Three Climatic Monsters with Asteroid Impact
Ramzy Baroud
Europe’s Iron Curtain: The Refugee Crisis is about to Worsen
Nick Pemberton
A Letter For Scarlett JoManDaughter
Marilyn Garson
Netanyahu’s War on Transcendence 
FacebookTwitterGoogle+RedditEmail