Huddling with the Cheeseheads in a NASCAR World

I am coming to you from Wisconsin, deep in the heart of the American Midwest, where the All-Star game is banned. Only a few sketchy radio reports about the celebrities in attendance. The only thing on the TV is the Daytona 500. President Bush came to watch the show and deliver the “Gentlemen, please start yor ingines” line. Then he smirked.

Some dumb redneck won the race. But the big news was Ben Affleck driving the pace car. I can’t believe he broke up with J Lo. They’re both such beautiful people. They should be together.

The guy who finished third had his drivers license suspended two days before the race, for driving under the influence of alcohol. He cried before, during and after the race, and swore that only God could judge him, that it was a great day for his family and that we should all Support the President. George had no comment on the drinking and driving charge, but thanked the guy for his loyalty and promised to deal harshly with all foreigners.

Dennis Kucinich was at the University of Wisconsin campus today, in subzero temperatures without a hat, passing out drugs from Canada. He and the rest of the gang are in town pimping for votes prior to Tuesday’s big primary, which will be Governor Dean’s Waterloo. Kucinich only got asked two questions in the big debate in Milwaukee, three less than Al Sharpton, who prefaced every answer by yelling, “What I want to know, is, where’s Bin Laden? Why hadn’t George Bush been able to find Bin Laden?” He also pointed out that he wasn’t only against NAFTA and the WTO, but “I was in Seattle, protestin it, and I wasn’t no bystander, either. And there’s probably some people here who know what I’m talking about.” Let me make it clear now that I will pay a big slug of bourbon to everyone who will show me their ballot marked for Reverend Al.

The only real fireworks was when Governor Dean accused Kerry of “getting his money from the same places that George Bush gets his money.” It was a vague and ominous claim that Dean refused to qualify, and Kerry never really denied. Fuck, the dems better hope the man’s plugged into some of George’s money.

John Edwards is one smooth cat, and there’s a school of thought that says Lt. Kerry will tap him to run as his VP ‘cuz Edwards can pull votes in the south. Which is the biggest bunch of bullshit I’ve heard since the State of the Union address. Bush will stomp John Edwards like a grape in the south, where only ten percent of the population has a college degree and one in five men over 20 has a farming or automotive implement lodged in their skull. A smart Dem will write off the south (except Florida), nail down California and New York and throw all their resources into beating the W in the Midwest. Look for Kerry to recruit Indiana’s junior Senator, Evan Bayh. They say he’s a big NASCAR fan.

JAMES JOHNSTON normally resides in Oregon. No one knows when, or if, he’ll make it all the way back.