When War Criminal Wesley Clark dropped out of the race the other day, my thoughts were with Clueless Mikey Moore. He must have been heartbroken. Clark’s smiling visage has vanished from www.michaelmoore.com … without an explanation in sight.
But, fear not, dear clueless one…your hero has given you yet another chance at love.
“Request permission to come aboard, the Army’s here.” With those words, War Criminal Wesley (WCW) made his appearance at a rally for John Kerry (Stormin’ Norman Soloman’s “pragmatic choice”). Reciprocating in appropriately military style, Senator Pragmatic replied: “This is the first time in my life I’ve ever had the privilege of saying `Welcome aboard’ to a four-star general.”
Ah, military humor…Clueless Mikey’s heart surely skipped a beat. Yes, the Butcher of Kosovo has endorsed Senator Pragmatic. Moore’s lesser dream refuses to die.
” I ask you to join me in standing up for a true American hero,” said WCW. “John Kerry has been the kind of leader America needs.”
What kind of leader is that, you wonder? Here’s a sampling:
a) a leader who voted to repeal Welfare b) a leader who voted for the PATRIOT Act c) a leader who thought the Vietnam War was merely a “mistake” d) a leader who voted to invade Iraq
Besides making certain to thank the veterans and to point out “both John and I served in Vietnam – and know what it is to be tested on the battlefield, fighting for your country,” WCW explained that Senator Pragmatic would create an America where “we don’t just talk about family values, but where we actually value families and where a job, an education, and health care aren’t just luxuries for the chosen few.” (See sample A.)
Clueless Mikey’s dreamboat also thinks Kerry will create an America where “those that have the most reach out to those with the least…an America where everyone has a shot at the American dream, no matter where they’re from. And where we include everyone, recognizing that diversity is our greatest strength.” (Sample A again.) “An America where we understand that debate and dissent – that questioning your leaders and holding them accountable – is the highest form of patriotism and where being patriotic means using force as a last resort, not as a political tool.” (See Sample B.) “An America where we look up to our leaders, and trust our commander in chief…an America that the world listens to and admires again.” (See C and D).
Some will postulate that WCW is cynically positioning himself for a future role in a Pragmatic Administration: Secretary of Defense (sic)? Secretary of State? National Security (sic) Advisor? Maybe even Vice President?
Imagine that, Clueless Mikey. Your beloved WCW just a heartbeat away…and you ever-so-close to spending a night at the White House with Stormin’ Norman and the editors of The Nation.
We should’ve smelled a rat when Clueless Mikey named his TV show “The Awful Truth.”
MICKEY Z. is the author of two upcoming books: “A Gigantic Mistake: Articles and Essays for Your Intellectual Self-Defense” (Prime Books) and “Seven Deadly Spins: Exposing the Lies Behind War Propaganda” (Common Courage Press). He can be reached at email@example.com.