Inside John Kerry’s Closet

Last month, some ninety environmentalists gathered in DC to consider what to do about the BushCo assaults on our nation’s public ecosystems. The group, mostly paid staffers of one group or another, sat through a two-hour long report from the DC greens’ “political expert.” She regaled the group with strategies necessary “now that Dean has the nomination sewed up.”

When told this tale, I thought, “Hey. If someone this clueless can get six-figures for such obviously lame assessments, maybe I should take a stab at it.” So, here are my 2004 election year predictions:

1) Unless Skull and Bones desires a change in their CEO, it’s Bush in a landslide. Sen. John Kerry (D-MA) will get the DLC nomination. And, then his real record will come out.

A friend recently wrote, “I just ran into a woman in (the organic grocery) who’s been working on the Kerry campaign for 18 months, when I asked her what his political accomplishments are, she hesitated and said, “Well, I don’t know, check out his website.”

Save yourself the website search, here’s a synopsis:

It’s deplorable. Three-hundred-seventeen bills introduced. Seven passed. And four of those were ceremonial ones — designating special days. Voted for the horrific Telecommunications Act (in fact, led the charge); voted for the illegal war/occupation; voted for the Patriot Act (in fact, helped draft parts of it when it was first drafted under Clinton); brags about voting for class war on poor moms and kids–Clinton’s welfare “reform” — need I go on?

Yes, I will. One of the few Bills he got passed was 1999’s Plan Columbia, the phony Drug War’s defoliation of the rainforest with toxic chemicals. Since the Plan was launched some 325,000 acres of South America’s oldest democracy have been sprayed with toxins, yet there has been no drop off in cocaine imports to the US. In fact, according to the Harvard Political Review, Columbia’s cocaine production increased 11%.

The multimillionaire John Kerry, who rails against “special interests” on the campaign trail, got more special interest PAC money than any other senator this last six years! And, he refused to accept voluntary spending limits.
Expect to see this GOP ad: Kerry at the helm of the “Scaramouche,” his $750,000 speed boat (he paid cash!), with overdubs of Kerry’s pontificating about “millionaires” and “overprivileged.”

Then, we’ll see ads of Mr. Forbes Heinz skiing at a palatial Aspen spa (they own it!). And, just wait until they trot out the ad with footage of Kerry exhorting Vietnam vets to throw their medals over the Capitol fence and then cut to Kerry’s medals framed on his office wall. The creep actually threw fake medals while encouraging others to throw their real ones!

They may not even need to point out his lying over his narcissistic taking of poisonous injections of Botox – a lie not even necessary in these MTV days. When a Boston radio announcer asked him last week: “Can you categorically deny the reports that you have used Botox or other kinds of cosmetic surgery or cosmetic enhancements to your appearance?” Kerry responded, “Absolutely, I’ve never even heard of it.” Very interesting, since his current heiress wife, Teresa Heinz, has been quoted in Elle magazine about her fondness for the stuff.

Speaking of Teresa Heinz, she heads up the Heinz Environmental Defense Fund. The fund’s most prominent board members since 1995 is none other than Enron’s Ken Lay. Enron’s bank, Citigroup, has been a major contributor to Kerry’s various campaigns. In 1995, Kerry cast the deciding vote to override Clinton’s veto of the very bill used by Enron and Citigroup to conduct their now well-known consumer rip-offs. Can you just imagine if Dr. Judy Steinberg Dean was hanging out with Key Lay? How about Laura Bush?

2) Dick Cheney? The question here is: will he resign BEFORE or AFTER the election? If before, expect to see Rudy Guliani as vice-presidential candidate. If after, expect to see Elizabeth Dole reprise the Gerry Ford role. The other Cheney question is: how long before he is indicted on bribery charges?

3) Colin Powell? Expect to see Powell resign soon after the election for “health reasons.”

4) Nixon Redux. Some time in 2006, Congress will begin exploring Impeachment proceedings for Bush. All sorts of charges will be leveled — most true. Sen. John McCain (R-AZ) will play the hero role here as a member of the “Intelligence Failure” investigation commission. Expect the CIA to doggedly defend its turf and turn viciously on BushCo.
Heads will begin to roll over the security ‘failures’ of 9/11. The country will be in crisis mode. The heroines here will be the few, courageous 9/11 widows who refused to take the government hush money.

Then faced with possible treason charges, as well as Impeachment; Bush will resign, as will Rumsfeld, Wolfowitz, Perle et al. Then, again reprising the Ford role, President Dole will pardon the lot of them in the fine American sweep-it-under-the-rug tradition. “Our second long national nightmare is over.”

Then, come 2008, it’ll be Clinton v. Dole again. H. Clinton and E. Dole provided Dole can get by the right-wing assault in the Republican primary. (The Brahmins of Skull and Bones won’t lick wounds for very long.)

How that all turns out will depend on whether or not there is a true progressive in the race.

But, for now, the real question for all those “Nader cost Gore” head-in-the-sand folks is: why are the Democrats throwing the election again?

MICHAEL DONNELLY is a zero-figure political prognosticator living in Salem, OR. He can be reached at

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MICHAEL DONNELLY has been an environmental activist since before that first Earth Day. He was in the thick of the Pacific Northwest Ancient Forest Campaign; garnering some collective victories and lamenting numerous defeats. He can be reached at