What’s the Score?

I’m as American as they come. I maintain my lawn with an obsessive-compulsive fervor and I can drive the ball off the tee damn close to 300 yards when I get my whole ass into it. Heck, I’ve even got a Ph.D. in American History. Yet I’m not “sold” on this war, and quite frankly, a lot of other Americans aren’t either. Listen up George, I’m giving you a freebie here…this is how to get those pesky “citizens” who are so concerned with American credibility abroad and whatnot on board with the corporate takeover of Iraq.

Two words: Freedom Units (or “F-U’s” for short). We all know about the system in place to gauge terror here in America (though I admittedly don’t know which color corresponds with how much crap should be in my pants), but Americans have no way to measure how free we are, or how free the world is for that matter. Americans love to “know the score.” It’s a cliché you hear time and time again, so why not give us what our soft little minds are already accustomed to; tell us the score in Freedom Units.

Here’s how Freedom Units could work. For every time some 19 year-old kid who joined the Army to help pay for college, doesn’t even speak the local language and has been told three different times that he was going home, harasses an Iraqi citizen at a checkpoint, America is up one Freedom Unit. For every time the Attorney General denies an American Citizen the judicial process because he’s an “enemy combatant,” America puts 3 Freedom Units on the board, and for every time America displays the corpse of an enemy to demonstrate its imperial power, that’s 7 Freedom Units for the good guys. I’ve kept the scoring similar to football, because if it’s remotely related to football, Americans will dive in headfirst. I can hear it now: “How many F-U’s did we get from the Bush Administration today? 14? Wow! What a great day for freedom!”

Which brings us to the scoreboard. Obviously, Haliburton will get naming rights, and it should be placed in Washington DC. Ideally, it could go on the site where the Jefferson Memorial currently stands. It was, after all, that confounded liberal who said “A prince whose character is thus marked by every act which may define a tyrant, is unfit to be the ruler of a people who mean to be free.” Since that obviously rings of relevance today, Jefferson’s Memorial must go. The Haliburton Scoreboard will mark the era of a new America, where we always know the score.

MICHAEL KIMAID teaches history at Bowling Green State Unversity in Ohio. He can be reached at: mkimaid@bgnet.bgsu.edu

More articles by:

December 19, 2018
John O'Kane
Drops and the Dropped: Diversity and the Midterm Elections
December 18, 2018
Charles Pierson
Where No Corn Has Grown Before: Better Living Through Climate Change?
Evaggelos Vallianatos
The Waters of American Democracy
Patrick Cockburn
Will Anger in Washington Over the Murder of Khashoggi End the War in Yemen?
George Ochenski
Trump is on the Ropes, But the Pillage of Natural Resources Continues
Farzana Versey
Tribals, Missionaries and Hindutva
Robert Hunziker
Is COP24 One More Big Bust?
David Macaray
The Truth About Nursing Homes
Nino Pagliccia
Have the Russian Military Aircrafts in Venezuela Breached the Door to “America’s Backyard”?
Paul Edwards
Make America Grate Again
David Rosnick
The Impact of OPEC on Climate Change
Binoy Kampmark
The Kosovo Blunder: Moving Towards a Standing Army
Andrew Stewart
Shine a Light for Immigration Rights in Providence
December 17, 2018
Susan Abulhawa
Marc Lamont Hill’s Detractors are the True Anti-Semites
Jake Palmer
Viktor Orban, Trump and the Populist Battle Over Public Space
Martha Rosenberg
Big Pharma Fights Proposal to Keep It From Looting Medicare
David Rosen
December 17th: International Day to End Violence against Sex Workers
Binoy Kampmark
The Case that Dare Not Speak Its Name: the Conviction of Cardinal Pell
Dave Lindorff
Making Trump and Other Climate Criminals Pay
Bill Martin
Seeing Yellow
Julian Vigo
The World Google Controls and Surveillance Capitalism
What is Neoliberalism?
James Haught
Evangelicals Vote, “Nones” Falter
Vacy Vlanza
The Australian Prime Minister’s Rapture for Jerusalem
Martin Billheimer
Late Year’s Hits for the Hanging Sock
Weekend Edition
December 14, 2018
Friday - Sunday
Andrew Levine
A Tale of Two Cities
Peter Linebaugh
The Significance of The Common Wind
Bruce E. Levine
The Ketamine Chorus: NYT Trumpets New Anti-Suicide Drug
Jeffrey St. Clair
Roaming Charges: Fathers and Sons, Bushes and Bin Ladens
Kathy Deacon
Coffee, Social Stratification and the Retail Sector in a Small Maritime Village
Nick Pemberton
Praise For America’s Second Leading Intellectual
Robert Hunziker
The Yellow Vest Insurgency – What’s Next?
Patrick Cockburn
The Yemeni Dead: Six Times Higher Than Previously Reported
Nick Alexandrov
George H. W. Bush: Another Eulogy
Brian Cloughley
Principles and Morality Versus Cash and Profit? No Contest
Michael F. Duggan
Climate Change and the Limits of Reason
Victor Grossman
Sighs of Relief in Germany
Ron Jacobs
A Propagandist of Privatization
Robert Fantina
What Does Beto Have Against the Palestinians?
Richard Falk – Daniel Falcone
Sartre, Said, Chomsky and the Meaning of the Public Intellectual
Andrew Glikson
Crimes Against the Earth
Robert Fisk
The Parasitic Relationship Between Power and the American Media
Stephen Cooper
When Will Journalism Grapple With the Ethics of Interviewing Mentally Ill Arrestees?
Jill Richardson
A War on Science, Morals and Law
Ron Jacobs
A Propagandist of Privatization