What’s the Score?

I’m as American as they come. I maintain my lawn with an obsessive-compulsive fervor and I can drive the ball off the tee damn close to 300 yards when I get my whole ass into it. Heck, I’ve even got a Ph.D. in American History. Yet I’m not “sold” on this war, and quite frankly, a lot of other Americans aren’t either. Listen up George, I’m giving you a freebie here…this is how to get those pesky “citizens” who are so concerned with American credibility abroad and whatnot on board with the corporate takeover of Iraq.

Two words: Freedom Units (or “F-U’s” for short). We all know about the system in place to gauge terror here in America (though I admittedly don’t know which color corresponds with how much crap should be in my pants), but Americans have no way to measure how free we are, or how free the world is for that matter. Americans love to “know the score.” It’s a cliché you hear time and time again, so why not give us what our soft little minds are already accustomed to; tell us the score in Freedom Units.

Here’s how Freedom Units could work. For every time some 19 year-old kid who joined the Army to help pay for college, doesn’t even speak the local language and has been told three different times that he was going home, harasses an Iraqi citizen at a checkpoint, America is up one Freedom Unit. For every time the Attorney General denies an American Citizen the judicial process because he’s an “enemy combatant,” America puts 3 Freedom Units on the board, and for every time America displays the corpse of an enemy to demonstrate its imperial power, that’s 7 Freedom Units for the good guys. I’ve kept the scoring similar to football, because if it’s remotely related to football, Americans will dive in headfirst. I can hear it now: “How many F-U’s did we get from the Bush Administration today? 14? Wow! What a great day for freedom!”

Which brings us to the scoreboard. Obviously, Haliburton will get naming rights, and it should be placed in Washington DC. Ideally, it could go on the site where the Jefferson Memorial currently stands. It was, after all, that confounded liberal who said “A prince whose character is thus marked by every act which may define a tyrant, is unfit to be the ruler of a people who mean to be free.” Since that obviously rings of relevance today, Jefferson’s Memorial must go. The Haliburton Scoreboard will mark the era of a new America, where we always know the score.

MICHAEL KIMAID teaches history at Bowling Green State Unversity in Ohio. He can be reached at: mkimaid@bgnet.bgsu.edu

More articles by:
April 25, 2018
Stanley L. Cohen
Selective Outrage
Dan Kovalik
The Empire Turns Its Sights on Nicaragua – Again!
Joseph Essertier
The Abductees of Japan and Korea
Ramzy Baroud
The Ghost of Herut: Einstein on Israel, 70 Years Ago
W. T. Whitney
Imprisoned FARC Leader Faces Extradition: Still No Peace in Colombia
Manuel E. Yepe
Washington’s Attack on Syria Was a Mockery of the World
John White
My Silent Pain for Toronto and the World
Mel Gurtov
Will Abe Shinzo “Make Japan Great Again”?
Dean Baker
Bad Projections: the Federal Reserve, the IMF and Unemployment
David Schultz
Why Donald Trump Should Not be Allowed to Pardon Michael Cohen, His Friends, or Family Members
Mel Gurtov
Will Abe Shinzo “Make Japan Great Again”?
Binoy Kampmark
Enoch Powell: Blood Speeches and Anniversaries
Frank Scott
Weapons and Walls
April 24, 2018
Carl Boggs
Russia and the War Party
William A. Cohn
Carnage Unleashed: the Pentagon and the AUMF
Nathan Kalman-Lamb
The Racist Culture of Canadian Hockey
María Julia Bertomeu
On Angers, Disgusts and Nauseas
Nick Pemberton
How To Buy A Seat In Congress 101
Ron Jacobs
Resisting the Military-Now More Than Ever
Paul Bentley
A Velvet Revolution Turns Bloody? Ten Dead in Toronto
Sonali Kolhatkar
The Left, Syria and Fake News
Manuel E. Yepe
The Confirmation of Democracy in Cuba
Peter Montgomery
Christian Nationalism: Good for Politicians, Bad for America and the World
Ted Rall
Bad Drones
Jill Richardson
The Latest Attack on Food Stamps
Andrew Stewart
What Kind of Unionism is This?
Ellen Brown
Fox in the Hen House: Why Interest Rates Are Rising
April 23, 2018
Patrick Cockburn
In Middle East Wars It Pays to be Skeptical
Thomas Knapp
Just When You Thought “Russiagate” Couldn’t Get Any Sillier …
Gregory Barrett
The Moral Mask
Robert Hunziker
Chemical Madness!
David Swanson
Senator Tim Kaine’s Brief Run-In With the Law
Dave Lindorff
Starbucks Has a Racism Problem
Uri Avnery
The Great Day
Nyla Ali Khan
Girls Reduced to Being Repositories of Communal and Religious Identities in Kashmir
Ted Rall
Stop Letting Trump Distract You From Your Wants and Needs
Steve Klinger
The Cautionary Tale of Donald J. Trump
Kevin Zeese - Margaret Flowers
Conflict Over the Future of the Planet
Cesar Chelala
Gideon Levy: A Voice of Sanity from Israel
Weekend Edition
April 20, 2018
Friday - Sunday
Paul Street
Ruling Class Operatives Say the Darndest Things: On Devils Known and Not
Conn Hallinan
The Great Game Comes to Syria
Jeffrey St. Clair
Roaming Charges: Mother of War
Andrew Levine
“How Come?” Questions
Doug Noble
A Tale of Two Atrocities: Douma and Gaza
Kenneth Surin
The Blight of Ukania