Despite criticism from Democrats and a number of influential opponents of his new tax cut plan, President Bush announced that a man was employed as a result of his 2001 tax cut of $1.35 trillion.
The discovery is expected to stem criticism that the wealthy were primarily the beneficiaries and the tax cut did nothing to create jobs.
“This will put a nail in the coffin of that class war thingie,” said the president. “This proves that tax cuts create jobs and if you pass my tax cut bill this year, and next year and the next year, pretty soon, there will be jobs. Of course, we also have to get rid of those pesky minimum wage problemations to put the righteous to work.”
Finding someone employed as a result of Bush’s 2001 $1.35 trillion tax cut came after a year long search involving the FBI, the CIA, and the Department of Homeland Security. Although 26,000 agents conducted the hunt, security officials brushed aside criticism that more important security problems were ignored. “We can’t locate 388,000 criminal aliens in this country, so this is good practice for us,” said Homeland Security Secretary Tom Ridge. “I promise if there are more out there, we’ll find them someday. This is not a waste of time.”
Security officials located Jesus Ramirez, a 33-year-old Mexican immigrant, who obtained his $2.95 an hour job as a gate guard after 100 homeowners at Trophy House Luxury Gated Community in Houston, Texas received refunds as a result of Bush’s 2001 tax cut.
“Our families were scraping by on $350,000 a year and couldn’t afford to pay for security,” said Jimmy Bookmaker, a Halliburton executive and president of the gated community association, whose motto is “Because we are better than you.” “With tax cuts of $18,000 each, we can finally afford someone to sit in our guard house and buzz in visitors. You can’t imagine the relief we feel.”
Touting the trickledown effect of Ramirez’s $180.00 take home pay from his 70-hour weekly paycheck, Treasury Secretary John Snowjob expects another job to turn up within weeks. This “snowball” effect will help the “soggy economy” and pretty soon all boats will be floating, Snowjob told Fox News on Sunday.
Despite Democratic descriptions of Bush’s newest tax cut as “hogwash,” Snowjob pointed proudly to Ramirez as an example of what it means to be truly American. “This proves beyond a reasonable doubt that tax relief creates jobs,” Snowjob said. “So what if government debt equals $70,000 per family? That’s only $6.4 trillion dollars. True Americans worry about security; they could care less about deficits and other boring stuff.”
The discovery of the stimulus effect from the 2001 tax cut was met with jubilation. In Texas, ultra-conservative Republican legislators voted to cut taxes and abolish pensions, medical care, public schools and other “evil” government programs.
The plan to distribute $20 billion to the states was praised by New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg who looks forward to $3.8 billion in the 2003 tax cut bill to solve the city’s problems. “Getting the federal government to increase debt so we don’t have to raise taxes on our wealthy citizens is a grand idea,” said Bloomberg. “We can always cut services for the poor who don’t vote anyway.”
President Bush is pushing his tax cut plan by meeting with small business owners in Albuquerque, N.M., Omaha, Neb., and Indianapolis, Ind., who are planning on taking advantage of his tax deductions of $87,000 to purchase 6,000 pound, $102,000 SUVs. By making his appeal directly to those who will benefit from the tax breaks, Bush is exploring new ground.
Until now, administration efforts have been directed at making people believe that they will be better off with fewer public services and a massive invasion army. “Everybody in America wants to be rich and identifies with the rich,” said Ari Flyswatter, White House spokesman. “Naturally everyone wants rich people to keep more of their hard earned money so they can get richer.”
When asked about the $400 billion military budget, the $100 billion a year bill to occupy Iraq and the $300 billion deficit this year, Flyswatter invited newsmen back to the White House next month when President Bush expects to introduce two more people who obtained jobs from his 2001 tax cut package. The End
DON MONKERUD is an Aptos, California-based columnist and author who follows politics. firstname.lastname@example.org