Dear Desperate Poet,
I represent the members of the POETRY AWARDS committee of my country, Sierra Leone before the war broke out. I have fled to Cotonou–Benin Republic on exile due to political pressure to flood your In Box with BAD POETRY! I also write to inform you of my desire to acquire Publishing houses or Magazines in your country on behalf of the Director of THE SPOKEN WORD in Nigeria and to Reduce Your Student Loan Payments Up to 50%. Moreover, an MFA in Poetry may be yours for the asking. The contract sum of which shall run into US$21 Million, of which your share shall be 20% if you agree to be our overseas POETRY agent. As soon as payment is effected, and the amount mentioned above is successfully transferred into your account, we intend to use our own share in acquiring MAJOR PUBLISHING HOUSES abroad.
But let’s face it. Nobody likes a pudgy poet. Was Shelley fat? Was Gregory Corso? For the first time, revolutionary food products, developed by a world renowned fat loss expert, will help you burn excess body fat without hunger, cravings or fatigue throughout the day. This breakthrough weight loss program is the “Byronic Image” secret of your favorite stars, world-class athletes and will work for you!
But we must be clear: Bulk Email POETY (BEP) Is Not Spam…..The Law says so. Only fear keeps you from getting FREE, TARGETED LEADS at will.
If Robert Creeley, John Ashbery, Adrienne Rich, and Amiri Baraka can use it safely and effectively, why can’t you SUCCEEED with the poetry discovery that reverses signs of aging metaphors and that is completely safe and effective is on sale for a limited time! Buy a two-month supply of our product and we will give you one month inspiration from the Divine Muse! Legal, ethical, and responsible — it applies whether you write abstract meta-poems or tedious confessional verse.
WE HAVE THE SECRET THE PROFESSIONALS DON’T WANT YOU TO KNOW about writing poems that not only sell but are ANTHOLOGIZED. That’s why you need to get our FREE new booklet. Don’t wait! Learn the secrets Poet Laureates use to:
Reduce body fat and build muscleEnrich your sex lifeHelp remove cellulite and wrinkles Sleep better, improve vision and memoryRestore hair growth and colorStrengthen your immune systemHave more energyTurn back time on your body’s biological clock up to twenty years–all of which will vastly improve your versifying skills!
BUT IF YOU REALLY WANT TO MAKE MONEYON YOUR POEMS, THEN KEEP READING.
Nerval, Rimbaud, Baudlaire and LaForge! They know the secrets that the professionals don’t want you to know, and that you can’t afford to be without if you hope to make money on the Web without the strain and hassle of a Ph.D in Comparative Literature!
These 19th Century French Poets also provide:
Expert analysis of financial and computer records; Reconstruction of income and expenses; Forensic financial investigations; Tracing of funds and assets in major cases, including embezzlements, thefts, etc.
YOU TO CAN DO THIS TO!
You can email THOUSANDS of prospects DAILY and some of them might even read your stuff! Order our FREE guide that explains why you aren’t selling your poetry on the web…90% of you are performing this common error…find out what it is!
Hint: you have a teeny weenie. Your old lady said you had a l’il one and this will help:
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Also, we provide NEW LISTS of : TRAVEL MEDIA, HUMANITIES PROFESSORS, ATLANTA MEDIA, SEATTLE MEDIA, SCIENCE PROFESSORS, SCIENCE CLUBS, PASTORS & CHURCHES, BIBLE COLLEGE & SEMINARY PROFESSORS, PET MEDIA, PBS STATIONS, UK MEDIA, POLITICAL MEDIA, SCIENTIFIC JOURNALS, FILM & TV PRODUCERS–all of whom might some day get around to reading your verse.
But in case you fuck up and still have to pay the bills while writing your epic, lyrics or closet dramas, you can get paid for stuffing envelopes from home! Receive Weekly Home Paychecks. If you would like to end your money worries, if you are looking for easy extra income to relieve financial pressures, you owe it to yourself to take advantage of our offer.
And for those of you with loved ones in your garrets, PROTECT YOUR FAMILY FROM BAD POETRY ONLINE, BLOCK IRRITATING POP-UP POEMS for Just $24.95. If you’ve been burned, betrayed, and back-stabbed by slick but shallow online poetry, then please read on. We do not like the non-stop mediocre poem coming at us any more than you do! In fact, we really, really dislike them. Thus, we created Bad Poetry ProtectorSuite, the Internet’s most sophisticated software tool that fights lousy verse on your desktop every minute you are on the web.
AND STOP THE BAD EMAIL POETRY INSANITY. MULTI-LEVEL POETRY MARKETING (MLPM) IS A HUGE MISTAKE FOR MOST PEOPLE, especially bad poets.
MLPM has failed to deliver on its promises for the past 50 years, when even Ginzberg was too insane and depressed to write “HOWL”. The pursuit of the “MLPM Dream” has cost hundreds of thousands of poets their friends, their fortunes and their SACRED HONOR. The fact is that MLPM is fatally flawed, meaning that it CANNOT work for most poetasters
The few who earn the big money in MLPM are NOT going to tell you the real story. FINALLY, there is someone who has the courage to cut through the hype and lies and tell the TRUTH about MLPM. (In some cases that is putting it politely) So, isn’t it time you found out the hush-hush secrets of the one thing that is effective–Bulk Poetry Email?
As we are all aware, Road Accidents are killing more than 3000 persons per day, injuring more than 1,00,000 persons per day and causing a loss of 2 Billion US$ per day, but what’s that got to do with selling your poems?
Anyway, you get emails every day, offering to show you how to make money publishing your poetry. Most of these emails are from people who are NOT selling their poems. And they expect you to listen to them right?
If you want to make money with your digital verse, then you should hook up with a group that is actually DOING IT. We are making a large, continuing income every month. What’s more–we will Show You how to do the same thing.
Let’s face it, bulk email poetry is controversial. Then again, so is cigarette smoking. However, the fact is bulk email poetry is not any more illegal than cigarette smoking is (and bulk email poetry doesn’t cause cancer!). There are those who would like to make you believe it is illegal (mostly the Laura Bush).
The beauty of bulk email poetry is that it works! Each day, thousands of poets take advantage of this powerful tool to promote their verse on the internet. Many mediocre scribes who were virtually unknown have become highly successful household names overnight through the use of bulk email. Ex: (Kurt Zill, Yitzhak Maplebury, ADAM ENGEL etc.)
How much are we making? Below are a few examples. These are Real poets, and most of them work at this business part-time while they scribble away in cafes. But keep in mind, they do WORK at it–I am not going to Insult your intelligence by saying you can sign up, do no work, and rake in the cash. That kind of job does not exist. But if you are willing to put in 10-12 hours per week hawking your verse, this might be just the thing you are looking for.
N. Gallagher: $3000 per month
T. Hopkins: $1000 per month
S. Johnson: $6000-$7000 per month
V. Patalano: $2000 per month
M. South: $5000 per month
J. Henslin: $7000 per month
This is not income that is determined by luck, or work that is done for you–it is all based on your effort. But, as I said, there are no special skills required. All you need is a stack of poems and an internet connection.
AND AS A SPECIAL BONUS
Get the Saddam “Deck of Death.” The U.S. Department of Defense has issued a new set of playing cards for U.S. military forces in Iraq to ferret out bad Islamic verse!.
The cards each picture a prominent Iraqi poetry criminal, beginning with the Ace of Spades — Saddam Hussein.
The US government has identified a list of 55 most-wanted BAD IRAQI BARDS — wanted dead or alive. They hope these playing cards will help our troops identify these criminal versifiers.
Now you can get a deck of these playing cards — sure to be a collector’s item!
Each card has a picture of a wanted BAD BARD.
“The key list has 55 scribblers who may be pursued, killed or captured, and the list does not exclude poets who may have already been killed or captured,” said Brig. Gen. Vincent Brooks at a Central Poetry Command briefing Friday.
The cards, dubbed the “deck of death”, show the toppled Iraqi dictator as the Ace of Spades and his son Qusay as the Ace of Clubs. As well as being distributed to coalition soldiers, the decks of cards will also be distributed to Iraqi civilians who will be asked to tip off the troops when they see one of the WANTED POETS.
These playing cards are one of a kind and sure to become a collectible. What better way to own a unique piece of history than to have the same playing cards that our troops are receiving with Iraq’s MOST WANTED BAD BARDS.
NOTE: I have picked-up the trust and courage to write you this letter with divine confidence that you are a reliable and honest person who will be capable for this important business transaction believing also that you will never let me down either now or in the future. If you betray me, I’ll hunt you down and make you read the collected light verse of John Updike.
By the way: We take your privacy very seriously and it is our policy never to send unwanted email messages yadda, yadda, yadda etc. and all that.
So, if you want to make big bucks on your astonishing, original verse, contact ADAM ENGEL at firstname.lastname@example.org.