Look up. Up in the sky. It’s a Kurd. It’s a Hussein. It’s weapons of mass destruction. Sorry. Another false positive. Another bungle. Only Vigoro. Liquid Plumber. Saddam’s moustache wax. A-1 Steak Sauce.
Here’s Paul. Here’s Wolf. Here’s Paul Wolfenblitzer, Alka Frankenselzer, Tommy Blitzenfranker. He’s got Breaking News, Censored News, Good News, Military Approved News, A News Flash, Police State Okayed News, Freedom Fried News, Sounds Like News But Really Isn’t News. Whatever.
It’s Day 27. It’s Year Zero. It’s Up To The Minute. Everybody’s happy. Looking good. Take’n a Ba’ath Party. A Bubble Bath Party. A sponge bath.
Where’s martial law. Where’s law and order. Prez sez lettem be. Lettem party.
Muslim moshpit. Good visuals. Happy Baghdad. Happy America. Celebratory welcome. We come in peace. Smoke a peace pipe with Jessica Lynch. A lynch mob. Mob rule. Gimme a great big F. Gimme a great big U. Gimme Starbuck’s, Big Macs, Freedom Fries and 401ks.
We took Kirkuk. Bombed Ramadi. Shot two children. Issued playing cards. Go fish. Iraq’s most wanted. Deal me a hand. Wow. It’s Udai Hussein. It’s Qusai Hussein. It’s Super Hussein. 55 pickup. Here’s our guy. Ahmad Chalabi. Future leader. Future hero. Forty years, on the lam. Convicted for fraud. Nailed for theft. What a player. Man on the move. Ahmad’s got game. It’s 911. It’s 711. It’s 8 Mile Road. The Angry Inch. Hawks are happy. Hawks are crowing. The Big One. Big Fat Victory. Ken Cakewalk Adelman. Dick Pearlhanded Perle. Chestpains Cheney. Jubilant. Bill Berlin Wall Kristol. Vindicated. War is good. Work works.
Saddam’s tired. Saddam’s bushed. George is bushed. George Bush is Saddam Hussein. It’s the day before. The day after. The day before the day after. Here’s Hardball. Here’s Crossfire. Here’s the Capitol Gang. Butch Cassidy. The Hole in the Wall Gang. Be the first to know. Is Baghdad burning. There’s mayhem in Mosul. A wonderful moment. Mad as hell. Back to Basra. Armageddon. Battle of the Titans. Clash of Kultures. It’s Francis Spellman. Francis Fukuyama. End of history. End of Fukuyama. Here’s Hegel. Quote Nietzsche. Hail Heidegger. Ask Ari. Fleischer. The answer’s yes. The answer’s no. The fourth estate. Fourth World War. Pax Americana.
WALLACE GAGNE lives in Tokyo. He can be reached at: w-s-gagne@nifty.com