Address to the Nation (Uncensored Version)
My dear fellow Americans,
Today I stand here before you as a sinner. I have sinned before and I will sin again. But while, I admit, my sins in the past were minor, more of a personal nature, my sins in the future will be, I promise, vast, and even international.
You have all heard of Iraq. These guys have a history of making trouble, just check out 2 Kings 24. Now, they are in material breach, which is far worse. We cannot accept that. Imagine everybody going into material breach. Don’t worry – we decide who is in material breach. The moment there are too many nations on material breach, we will strike some of them off the material breach list. You understand, we have no alternative but to attack. Do not worry, the war will not take more than 60.000 bombs. There is no danger to our boys, for the Iraqi army is weak, demoralised, their arsenals are depleted. The weapons inspectors haven proven this conclusively. They might have a bit of Anthrax, but we1re not going to accept any letters from Iraq. I promise you: never again shall we wage war against an enemy that might be our equal. Verily, I have sinned before and I will sin again.
We will turn the horrid, abominable, hideous tyranny of this monster Saddam into a blossoming, thriving, shining democracy. Fellow Americans, pray for us, for we do not have much experience in this field. We have proven our expertise in turning democracies into tyrannies; I guess it works similarly the other way round. After all, what is democracy but a tyranny with higher campaign funding. Believe me, we are working overtime to cast the new Iraqi government; we already have a few promising starters lined up. Casting is our strength. The guys we put into power have lasted more than a season. Look at Pinochet, he had a better run than Cal Ripken. And if they don’t perform, we will substitute them. Every democracy needs some team management. Indeed, I have sinned before and I will sin again.
Let me say something to the Iraqi people, although they are not tuned in. If we kill you, do not take it personally. If we maim you, do not get upset with us. We will kill and maim you for your own good. We have been doing that for twelve years and you have suffered courageously, may God bless you for that. We gave you depleted uranium, we gave you cancer, we gave you death of many kinds, and I must say you responded tremendously, you were amongst the best victims we have ever had the honour to encounter. Do not become petty at the Hour of Judgement. Truly, we have sinned before and we will sin again.
Now you might be worried about the costs. Yes, we have asked Congress for a 100 billion dollars, and this might seem to you as a lot of money, but I can assure you, it is peanuts for the companies it will eventually go to. They do love peanuts though. Honestly speaking, out of these 100 billion, only 1.8 billion will be used for the reconstruction of Iraq. Let me assure you, my fellow citizens, the contracts will go to American companies. However, I cannot hide the fact that 800 million could be spend on humanitarian relief. But come on, that is less than one percent, and after all, what are 800 million nowadays ? the retirement package of any CEO. I solemnly pledge, we will not spend more than a cent of what is necessary on foreigners. You can trust me, I came good in Afghanistan, didn’t I. Truly, we have sinned before and we will sin again.
We live in good times, my dear fellow Americans. Just 13 years ago, at the end of the Cold War, there was great worry that weapons of mass destruction might be done away with, that armies might shrink and military budgets dwindle. There was a clear and present danger that we might lose our most profitable industry. But we have rallied around the cause, we have blocked all international sabotage, we continue to produce land mines, carbon monoxides and war criminals. We are developing the mother of all bombs and the father of all weapons. May God help us, for we have sinned before and we will sin again.
Today, my fellow Americans, you can rejoice: We have succeeded in making you poorer, sicker and dumber, we have locked up two million of you, we have stolen your rights, but look at what we are giving you in return: Pride. I know there is a TV in every jail, in every trailer, in every housing hole of your inner cities. You can lean back and watch our boys bombing Baghdad, and you can say to yourself: I am part of the team, I too dream America. Let us stand tall and upright and proud. I confess, I have sinned before and I will sin again, but I do not care, for God is always on my side.
Fellow Americans, let us join hands in prayer: O Lord! You have made the nations our heritage, and the ends of the earth our possession. We shall break them with a rod of iron, and dash them in pieces like a potter’s vessel.
Ilija Trojanow can be reached at: firstname.lastname@example.org