I’m throwing down the gauntlet. I DEMAND satisfaction. I hereby challenge the Usurpers of the United States of America and their Military-Industrial-Corporate-Intelligence-Everything-But-Th e-Kitchen-Sink Complex to a duel. Yeah that’s right, it’s me against THEM. Mano a Many-o. I was waiting for some pissed off soul to be MAN enough or WOMAN enough to do it, but since nobody’s volunteering for the job as of yet, might as well be chicken-hearted little me.
And don’t go comparing me to that freak, McVeigh. Whatever points Gore Vidal made about his motives, he hit a “civilian” building full of workers and children. Another Bin Laden, trained to kill by THE MAN’S army. More Blowback. And we all know that what the wind blows back ain’t hitting THE MAN, but WE THE PEOPLE and our kids. Fuck any cracker who thinks he’s taking some kind of stand against THE MAN by blowing up our children. That’s not what this is about at all. I’m calling for a genuine duel, fair and square. Me versus the Weird Uncle Sam Society (WUSS) and their Military, at ten paces — well, maybe twenty. Gunfight at the OK corral. The five trillion dollar death machine versus yours truly. No innocents involved. This is personal. This is BIG.
After all, except for September 11, 2001, nobody’s openly challenged the Usurpers since WWII. And unlike Bin Laden, I’m not some chicken-shit, disgruntled, NIMBY, ex-CIA operative all bent outta shape cause THE MAN inevitably set up shop in my hometown. He who sleeps with the CIA, gets raped by the CIA, eventually. And unlike Bin Laden, whatever his motives and if he even exists, I am not a fundamentalist terrorist sending rubes to hit a building full of civilians then heading for the hills to set up my own video-cult (let it be duly noted that there are at least one billion humans who practice Islam peacefully on this planet without getting the call to take out over-worked, underpaid office workers in the name of Allah). Why am I talking about Bin Laden? Fuck Bin Laden. Forget about – oh, that’s right, they already did.
This ain’t so much about BLOW BACK as TAKE BACK. Take back humanity from the WUSS garbed in the flag like gaunt, bleak, old Uncle Sam himself pointing his bony finger at WE THE PEOPLE cause he got his fool ass into another war and needs new crop of blockhead canon fodder to close the deal.
Now if I remember right from Shakespeare and Nineteenth Century novels and 1950s Westerns, a free man, or a gentleman, could, in fact was obliged to refuse to duel a slave, an underling, a pauper, a “savage,” etc. This was THE MAN’S way of putting folks in their place. The only way to challenge THE MAN was to be one of HIS own. Well, I’m declaring myself, here and now, a free man. I challenge the WUSS and their whole damn army.
True, this might take some doing. For instance, in order for me to duel the entire Military Machine, the WUSS is going to have to call back all their soldiers from all the countries the U.S. has “a presence” in (I think there’s about 80 or something, could be more). Well, call ’em home. Nobody’s challenging them (the WTC massacre was a criminal act which should have been prosecuted in an international court, not Kabul) anywhere else. You see Saddam throwing down the gauntlet? Or North Korea? Or Chicken-little “bock, bock” Bin Laden himself (assuming he exists)?
I am offering to duel the entire WUSS military machine and every man in it, and I demand my challenge be taken seriously.
Again, this is probably a big deal. Lotta paperwork, troop movements, flight plans, coded messages, leaks to the press and all that. I’m calling out the whole damn crew – Army, Navy, Air force, Marines, CIA, NSA etc. – for this duel and it is my right to face every single one of my opponents. After all, I help pay their salaries. This means, at the set date and time (these things usually happen at dawn, eh? that sucks; really, I’m a night person to the core) the whole mega billion dollar behemoth is gonna have to meet me and my Second (his name’s Lebowski; he’s a good man; and thorough) to answer my call. This means pulling all those troops out of South Korea, Cuba, Saudi Arabia, Afghanistan and wherever the hell else they don’t belong and sending them to do the job they’re paid to do, which is defend the WUSS against ME.
Another thing I noticed about those old duels they had way back when, before we got all civilized and discovered the safety and convenience of DEATH FROM ABOVE, is that those guys faced off over any stupid little thing imaginable. “You hittin’ on MY woman? I choose, you, I call you out.” “You sayin’ my escutcheon’s shorter than your escutcheon and has less real creme filling? Pistols at dawn!”
So what am I dueling mad about? Well, whatever it is, I’m sure the Media will twist it into the isolated ravings of a lone madman after the five trillion dollar military smokes my ass, but just for the record, it’s no one thing, but a thousand. Let’s say THE FUTURE. That’s kind of a big thing. Not only has the WUSS failed to recognize the almost irreparable harm being done to the air, land and water of this planet due to fossil fuel consumption, but they’re planning to send the military that WE THE PEOPLE paid for to commandeer yet more oil from foreign lands (incurring yet more Blow Back that the WUSS’s stealth bombers ain’t gonna protect anybody but themselves from) and poison humanity yet further.
More? The WUSS soiled my good name – no small matter for us duelists – for making me complicit in murder across the globe – South East Asia, Africa, South America, Central America, etc. etc. – because after all it’s my tax money they’re building cruise missiles with instead of schools. And when some pissed off native of another country turns terrorist and blows up innocent people in America, some of those innocent people will inevitably, one day, be my loved ones, and the WUSS could give two shits less about them, and that’s enough of an excuse for me to challenge the whole damn Machine and all it’s evil works to an honest to goodness duel.
Oh, also, Anthony Gankarski (“Come Fly With Me”, CP, 1/06/03) got hassled by tiny airport Rent-A-Nazis – as if the air on those flying subways wasn’t bad enough! Why bother sniffing glue when you can just crawl into the tube? Then there’s that teacher, John Borowski (“PepsiCo Kids,” CP, 12/31/02), whose students, and goddamn it even his own daughters, were being poisoned by the PepsiCo empire until some teenage cheerleader said “Generation THIS!” and got her bottled water biz shut down by the “invisible hand,” but Borowski spoke out like an ADULT – very inspiring, I thought.
I’m challenging the WUSS, for they usurped the lives, land, livelihoods and rights of WE THE PEOPLE so that we shall die and the artificial, immortal, “people” that corporations are legally supposed to be can live.
Sure I’ll get smoked in a nano-second, gimpy little me against that monstrous arsenal of nukes, bio weapons, chemical weapons, assorted death rays and tons and tons and tons of conventional ammo, but at least I’ll die like a free human and not a yipping yapping dog. I would assume that since I helped pay for their arsenal the Usurpers will have the decency to provide me with a proper dueling pistol, but knowing them it’ll be rigged to jam or the powder’ll be damp with piss. But hell, I wasn’t planning on shooting the damn thing anyway. All I want to do is throw it, just let me throw something at them and I’ll die happy.
Yeah, I guess that’s about right. I actually have no intention of shooting some poor kid who got gypped out of a decent public education so the WUSS could teach him to cherish his own liberty to be unemployed and illiterate and have nothing to do and no money to do it with but join the military and defend some other kid’s liberty to receive a shitty education and eat a vegetarian meal of Ketchup and Pepsi in a dilapidated cafeteria. I just want a chance to face their commanders, that’s all. Throw whatever antiquated weapon they’ll supply me with – and charge me extra for – at the fat head of one of their West Point COs before they vaporize my sorry ass.
Call the boys home to where the real war is: against ME. No other challenger is calling the Emperor’s legions to the field. It’s me against the biggest, baddest, most expensive war machine the world has ever known! Bring your camera. It’s a FREE MEDIA event. Hell, it should at least be as exciting as the Super bowl, and MUCH shorter. Also, your admission is pre-paid!
True, I’m quaking in my boots. But nothing’s ever going to change until WE THE PEOPLE decide to Live Free or Die, and MEAN IT. And really, it’s only one life out of billions. Others will come along – maybe. Anyway, I’d rather die now, a free human spitting the fattest, gooiest, throat-clam I can muster at the WUSS than live another minute as an ox-dumb extra in THE MAN’s blockbuster war extravaganza against life.
ADAM ENGEL might need a Second in case Lebowski backs out – he’s a good man, and thorough, but unreliable. Anyone who would like to volunteer to perform the traditional duties of a duelist’s Second can contact email@example.com.