• Monthly
  • $25
  • $50
  • $100
  • $other
  • use PayPal

ONE WEEK TO DOUBLE YOUR DONATION!

A generous CounterPuncher has offered a $25,000 matching grant. So for this week only, whatever you can donate will be doubled up to $25,000! If you have the means, please donate! If you already have done so, thank you for your support. All contributions are tax-deductible.
FacebookTwitterRedditEmail

Sir John Ashcroft in the Court of George II

London, England Privy Council Chambers August 10,1776

“Today, in my capacity as Attorney General of the British Realm, I am announcing an indictment, under the provisions of the ‘UK Patriot Act,’ against 56 American traitors. On July 4, in Philadelphia, in the Colony of Pennsylvania, these vile men, meeting as a Congress, did issue, sign, and proclaim a rebellious manifesto. They dared to title their damnable treason, ‘A Declaration of Independence.’ We know from our Loyalist informers that a barrister from Virginia, one Thomas Jefferson, drafted the document.

Ashcroft added, “We have come into possession of papers, which indicate that these rebels were also planning to establish, by way of a Constitution, something called, a ‘Republic.’ The traitors, James Madison of Virginia and John Adams of Massachusetts, are believed to be the prime suspects. In addition, they were seeking to adopt a ‘Bill of Rights.'”

“This is beyond contempt,” screamed an irate Lord Jesse Helms.

“These blackguards,” Ashcroft said, “were aided and abetted by other criminal types in the American Plantation. One of the leading co-conspirators, who has just recently left the City of London, is the wily Benjamin Franklin. He can go fly a kite as far as I am concerned.”

‘Hear! Hear!,’ bellowed angry voices from the gallery.

“I’m pleased to say,” continued Ashcroft, “that anyone who gives any ‘material support’ to these vile extremists will face the full fury of the justice of our young King George II, whom you all will remember from his days in Bushville, as the Prince of Texaco and Duke of Enron.”

“Long live the King,” shouted the haughty Press Barons of Fleet Street, Messrs. Murdock, Zuckerman, Redstone, Suzberger and Black, from the official press box where they sat with their lackeys, Rush Limbaugh, William O’Reilly and Daniel Pipes.

“I have carefully prepared,” Ashcroft emphasized, “a list of ‘terrorist organizations’ in America, which presently includes, ‘The Sons of Liberty,’ ‘The Daniel Morgan Sharp Shooters Club,’ ‘The Minute Men,’ and the ‘Green Mountain Boys.’ These organizations, along with any local Militia groups, are hereby condemned as enemies of our King.”

“First,” Ashcroft underscored, “I want to say a special thanks for the guidance in this matter from the learned members of the Parliament, such as Sir Arlen Specter and Sir Charles Schumer. Now, we will be able to try these pernicious defendants before a secret tribunal, in our Star Chamber Court, using secret evidence.

Many of you may remember, also, how Lord Specter was the Special Counsel in the Crown’s Warren Commission Inquiry into the assassination, by a lone madman, of the unfortunate King John, back on Nov. 22, 1763, in Dallastowne. Lord Specter came up with that brilliant “magic arrow” theory which conclusively proved that there was only one villain at work in that dirty business. As a result, that case was closed, although some conspiracy nuts continue to this day to believe King John was murdered in a plot devised by the New World Order. What rubbish!”

“Praise the Parliament, too, for passing the ‘Homeland Security Act,'” yelled Lord Joseph Lieberman, the architect of that draconian scheme.

“With us today, also, are the two co-sponsors of the ‘UK Patriot Act,’ both staunch advocates of our Monarchy, Lord Trent Lott, the Duke of Hazards, and Lord Thomas Lantos. I would like to also acknowledge the contribution of the King’s Chief Privy Councilor, Sir Richard Cheney, known to you as the Earl of Halliburton and Viscount of Exxon.

“Sir Richard, although he has never been in the military, has been placed in charge of crushing this rebellion by our King. He will be aided by Paul Wolfowitz and Richard Pearl. These three devoted patriots have been wrongly branded as ‘chicken hawks’ by our enemies. After we deal with America, we will smash these other subverters of our traditions.”

‘Hear! Hear,!” responded, in chorus, the Privy Council members.

“To show our resolve, the King has approved a ‘Prevention of Terrorism Plan,’ authored by Sir Ariel Sharon, Viscount of Palestine. It calls, if needed, for the targeting for assassination of known rebels, destruction of their homes, torture of detainees, confiscation of their property and collective punishment of any town not flying the Union Jack.”

“Well, if they’re on the terrorist profile list, they must be guilty,” screeched Lord Schumer. “Then, there is no need for any trials.”

After Ashcroft finished his remarks, to standing applause, Lord Lieberman ran up to him, and breathlessly asked, “Can I be appointed the Royal President for America after we wipe out these rebels?”

“Consider it done my Lord,” Ashcroft responded.

The proceeding were then closed.

An observer, who asked not to be identified told me later, “This war could have been avoided. The common welfare has been ignored. We’re taking another people’s rights and liberty away today. Tomorrow, it could be our turn.”

WILLIAM HUGHES is the author of “Baltimore Iconoclast” (Writer’s Showcase), which is available online. He can be reached at liamhughes@mindspring.com.

(C) WILLIAM HUGHES 2002

 

More articles by:
bernie-the-sandernistas-cover-344x550
October 15, 2019
Victor Grossman
The Berlin Wall, Thirty Years Later
Raouf Halaby
Kurdish Massacres: One of Britain’s Many Original Sins
Robert Fisk
Trump and Erdogan have Much in Common – and the Kurds will be the Tragic Victims of Their Idiocy
Ron Jacobs
Betrayal in the Levant
Wilma Salgado
Ecuador: Lenin Moreno’s Government Sacrifices the Poor to Satisfy the IMF
Ralph Nader
The Congress Has to Draw the Line
William A. Cohn
The Don Fought the Law…
John W. Whitehead
One Man Against the Monster: John Lennon vs. the Deep State
Lara Merling – Leo Baunach
Sovereign Debt Restructuring: Not Falling Prey to Vultures
Norman Solomon
The More Joe Biden Stumbles, the More Corporate Democrats Freak Out
Jim Britell
The Problem With Partnerships and Roundtables
Howard Lisnoff
More Incitement to Violence by Trump’s Fellow Travelers
Binoy Kampmark
University Woes: the Managerial Class Gets Uppity
Joe Emersberger
Media Smears, Political Persecution Set the Stage for Austerity and the Backlash Against It in Ecuador
Thomas Mountain
Ethiopia’s Abiy Ahmed Wins Nobel Peace Prize, But It Takes Two to Make Peace
Wim Laven
Citizens Must Remove Trump From Office
October 14, 2019
Ann Robertson - Bill Leumer
Class Struggle is Still the Issue
Mike Miller
Global Climate Strike: From Protest To Power?
Patrick Cockburn
As Turkey Prepares to Slice Through Syria, the US has Cleared a New Breeding Ground for Isis
John Feffer
Trump’s Undeclared State of Emergency
Dean Baker
The Economics and Politics of Financial Transactions Taxes and Wealth Taxes
Jonah Raskin
What Evil Empire?
Nino Pagliccia
The Apotheosis of Emperors
Evaggelos Vallianatos
A Passion for Writing
Basav Sen
The Oil Despots
Brett Wilkins
‘No Friend But the Mountains’: A History of US Betrayal of the Kurds
John Kendall Hawkins
Assange: Enema of the State
Scott Owen
Truth, Justice and Life
Thomas Knapp
“The Grid” is the Problem, Not the Solution
Rob Kall
Republicans Are Going to Remove Trump Soon
Cesar Chelala
Lebanon, Dreamland
Weekend Edition
October 11, 2019
Friday - Sunday
Becky Grant
CounterPunch in Peril?
Anthony DiMaggio
Fake News in Trump’s America
Andrew Levine
Trump’s End Days
Jeffrey St. Clair
High Plains Grifter: the Life and Crimes of George W. Bush
Patrick Cockburn
Kurdish Fighters Always Feared Trump Would be a Treacherous Ally
Paul Street
On the TrumpenLeft and False Equivalence
Dave Lindorff
Sure Trump is ‘Betraying the Kurds!’ But What’s New about That?
Rob Urie
Democrats Impeach Joe Biden, Fiddle as the Planet Burns
Sam Pizzigati
Inequality is Literally Killing Us
Jill Richardson
What Life on the Margins Feels Like
Mitchell Zimmerman
IMPOTUS: Droit de seigneur at Mar-a-Lago
Robert Hunziker
Methane SOS
Lawrence Davidson
Donald Trump, the Christian Warrior
William Hartung – Mandy Smithburger
The Pentagon is Pledging to Reform Itself, Again. It Won’t.
FacebookTwitterRedditEmail