Sir John Ashcroft in the Court of George II

London, England Privy Council Chambers August 10,1776

“Today, in my capacity as Attorney General of the British Realm, I am announcing an indictment, under the provisions of the ‘UK Patriot Act,’ against 56 American traitors. On July 4, in Philadelphia, in the Colony of Pennsylvania, these vile men, meeting as a Congress, did issue, sign, and proclaim a rebellious manifesto. They dared to title their damnable treason, ‘A Declaration of Independence.’ We know from our Loyalist informers that a barrister from Virginia, one Thomas Jefferson, drafted the document.

Ashcroft added, “We have come into possession of papers, which indicate that these rebels were also planning to establish, by way of a Constitution, something called, a ‘Republic.’ The traitors, James Madison of Virginia and John Adams of Massachusetts, are believed to be the prime suspects. In addition, they were seeking to adopt a ‘Bill of Rights.'”

“This is beyond contempt,” screamed an irate Lord Jesse Helms.

“These blackguards,” Ashcroft said, “were aided and abetted by other criminal types in the American Plantation. One of the leading co-conspirators, who has just recently left the City of London, is the wily Benjamin Franklin. He can go fly a kite as far as I am concerned.”

‘Hear! Hear!,’ bellowed angry voices from the gallery.

“I’m pleased to say,” continued Ashcroft, “that anyone who gives any ‘material support’ to these vile extremists will face the full fury of the justice of our young King George II, whom you all will remember from his days in Bushville, as the Prince of Texaco and Duke of Enron.”

“Long live the King,” shouted the haughty Press Barons of Fleet Street, Messrs. Murdock, Zuckerman, Redstone, Suzberger and Black, from the official press box where they sat with their lackeys, Rush Limbaugh, William O’Reilly and Daniel Pipes.

“I have carefully prepared,” Ashcroft emphasized, “a list of ‘terrorist organizations’ in America, which presently includes, ‘The Sons of Liberty,’ ‘The Daniel Morgan Sharp Shooters Club,’ ‘The Minute Men,’ and the ‘Green Mountain Boys.’ These organizations, along with any local Militia groups, are hereby condemned as enemies of our King.”

“First,” Ashcroft underscored, “I want to say a special thanks for the guidance in this matter from the learned members of the Parliament, such as Sir Arlen Specter and Sir Charles Schumer. Now, we will be able to try these pernicious defendants before a secret tribunal, in our Star Chamber Court, using secret evidence.

Many of you may remember, also, how Lord Specter was the Special Counsel in the Crown’s Warren Commission Inquiry into the assassination, by a lone madman, of the unfortunate King John, back on Nov. 22, 1763, in Dallastowne. Lord Specter came up with that brilliant “magic arrow” theory which conclusively proved that there was only one villain at work in that dirty business. As a result, that case was closed, although some conspiracy nuts continue to this day to believe King John was murdered in a plot devised by the New World Order. What rubbish!”

“Praise the Parliament, too, for passing the ‘Homeland Security Act,'” yelled Lord Joseph Lieberman, the architect of that draconian scheme.

“With us today, also, are the two co-sponsors of the ‘UK Patriot Act,’ both staunch advocates of our Monarchy, Lord Trent Lott, the Duke of Hazards, and Lord Thomas Lantos. I would like to also acknowledge the contribution of the King’s Chief Privy Councilor, Sir Richard Cheney, known to you as the Earl of Halliburton and Viscount of Exxon.

“Sir Richard, although he has never been in the military, has been placed in charge of crushing this rebellion by our King. He will be aided by Paul Wolfowitz and Richard Pearl. These three devoted patriots have been wrongly branded as ‘chicken hawks’ by our enemies. After we deal with America, we will smash these other subverters of our traditions.”

‘Hear! Hear,!” responded, in chorus, the Privy Council members.

“To show our resolve, the King has approved a ‘Prevention of Terrorism Plan,’ authored by Sir Ariel Sharon, Viscount of Palestine. It calls, if needed, for the targeting for assassination of known rebels, destruction of their homes, torture of detainees, confiscation of their property and collective punishment of any town not flying the Union Jack.”

“Well, if they’re on the terrorist profile list, they must be guilty,” screeched Lord Schumer. “Then, there is no need for any trials.”

After Ashcroft finished his remarks, to standing applause, Lord Lieberman ran up to him, and breathlessly asked, “Can I be appointed the Royal President for America after we wipe out these rebels?”

“Consider it done my Lord,” Ashcroft responded.

The proceeding were then closed.

An observer, who asked not to be identified told me later, “This war could have been avoided. The common welfare has been ignored. We’re taking another people’s rights and liberty away today. Tomorrow, it could be our turn.”

WILLIAM HUGHES is the author of “Baltimore Iconoclast” (Writer’s Showcase), which is available online. He can be reached at