Hi! We’re Republicorp! (formerly USA)
(this noticed received in the mail by Rich Procter)
Hi! We’re Republicorp!TM You may have known us as what used to be your country, “The United States of America” when you were just a “citizen.” Now you’re a Preferred CustomerTM (proof of Republican registration required), and you’re gonna LOVE the changes we’ve made!
NO MORE Bill of Rights to protect and coddle criminals! NO MORE “Civil Liberties” for the bad guys to hide behind! NO MORE “Freedom of the Press” to confuse and bother you with liberal blather!
Instead, let us introduce you to our trademarked “FOUR FABULOUS FREEDOMS”TM
1) FREEDOM FROM TAXES! — Leona Helmsley was so right — “Only the little people pay taxes.” RepubliCorpTM CEO G.W. Bush has mastered the art of “MaxAggressive Borrow N’ Spend BookkeepingTM.” That means you can have it all, from Corporate Bailouts to Evil-Doer Smashing Foreign Wars, and all without paying personal taxes! And if this isn’t good enough, CEO Bush invites you to sample our “Tax-Free In Paradise” Bahamas Shelter ProgramTM!
2) FREEDOM FROM REGULATION! — If you’re a corporate CEO (and if you’re not, you can stop reading this letter right now!), you’re busy creating jobs! Creating stockholder value! Creating products that may (or may not!) kill your customers because you’ve rushed them to market a teensy bit fast! The LAST thing you need is some smirking do-gooder waving a lot of bureaucratic mumbo-jumbo in your face. At RepubliCorpTM, we’ve eliminated all this bother! . — SEE YA LATER! Soon, you’ll be able to hire seven year old children to work 18 hours for 50 cents a day! And if your product kills a customer, that (deceased) customer is free to make another informed choice in a free marketplace!
3) FREEDOM FROM TERRORISTS! — Thanks to RepubliCorpsTM patented “Information Awareness Office”TM, we’ll know EVERYTHING EVERYBODY EVERYWHERE does ALL THE TIME!*** Lucky for you, RepubliCorpsTM has chosen convicted felon John Poindexter to run this program (hey, it’s takes a criminal to CATCH a criminal, doncha know!) Of course, you don’t have to worry about a thing — the whole point is to catch the BAD people — non-white, non-Christian, non-gun owning non-Republicans. And the sooner we get rid of them, the better! Coming soon — our “INSTA-JUSTICE”TM and “QUIK-DEATH”TM Programs!
***Excludes Gun Purchases (Good work, John Ashcroft! A RepubliCorp Plantinum Card Holder!)
4) FREEDOM FROM PROSECUTION! Let’s say you’re a major pharmaceuticals company, like, oh, say, Eli Lilly. Let’s say you produce a product that might just have caused thousands, even tens of thousands of families a lifetime of pain and despair by causing autism in their children. Are you on the hook? No way, now that RepubliCorpTM is here! One of our friendly RepubliCorpTM Service Representatives will be happy to cash your seven figure corporate check, and pass a special “legislative waiver” that will give you a 100% (retroactive!) lifetime pass from having to be harassed by ambulance-chasing lawyers!
And that’s just the BEGINNING of your RepubliCorpTM benefits package! Here’s what else you’ll receive…
* Your “Socialist Security” money will now be “invested” by highly skilled Wall Street brokers until every penny is gone!
* Your medical needs will be handled NOT the old-fashioned way — by profligate “Doctors” toadying to self-pampering “patients” — but the RepubliCorpTM way, by responsible accountants looking out for enlightened, dividend-hungry stockholders! Let’s face it, just about EVERY medical procedure is “voluntary,” right?
* Your need to be a part of nature will be handled by CEO Bush’s forward-looking “Forests Into Deserts”TM plan. After all, you’ll be in the Bahamas in your tax shelter — what do you care???
Be watching for our exciting “You Get More in 2004″TM RepubliCorpTM “Mandate Rebate.” Since we’re no longer just a “country,” we don’t really need messy, inefficient “voting,” do we? Instead of voting, you’ll receive $10 “insta-cash” to donate to the RepubliCorpTM Personal Representative who has done the most for you!
REPUBLICORPTM — “If It’s Not Nailed Down, It’s Ours — And If We Can Pry It Up, It’s Not Nailed Down”TM
RICH PROCTER can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org