Great Expectations

Supposedly, despite my vehement protests to the contrary, I have Great Expectations in the land of milk and honey. If I refuse this inheritance, I am guilty, it seems, of anti-Semitism, or worse, being a “self-hating Jew.”

Despite years of indoctrination, I never did and never will have any interest in leaving NYC for “the Holy Land.” If I were ever in the position of being forced to leave my home, I would not emigrate to Israel, but rather fight to defend my right to live in the “Homeland” to which I was born. Fight, like most people facing eviction from their place of birth, to the bitter end.

I’ve never even visited Israel, and do not intend to, especially since by wife, beautiful in mind and body but, alas, hopelessly Italian, might not be welcome in “beautiful Israel.”

So, why can’t we make a deal? I’ll take whatever I have coming to me under right of return (return to what? from where?) and cede my property to a single, male Palestinian. I’d give it to a Palestinian couple, but due to my wife’s unfortunate genetic situation, it might not be legit. I’m not asking for much: the property equivalent in size to a one-bedroom East Village Manhattan apartment will do.

Now, since this is my property, land that has been “in the family” for 3000 years, I believe it is within my rights to do with it what I please. Hence, I will bequeath this property, once the papers are in my possession, to a single male Palestinian who actually WANTS to live there. If necessary, I will include a rider that this person must be my age –37 years old –so as not to appear to be hustling anyone by say, ceding my land to a 20-year-old and cheating Israel out of 17 years of human life.

A fair deal for all involved, no?

ADAM ENGEL recently moved into his neighbor’s place because it had a better view. When the guy complained, Engel threw him out the window. Nobody seemed to mind. Anyway, the Landlord said it was okay because Engel’s ownership had been written into his neighbor’s lease long before anyone in the building had been born. He can be reached at:


Adam Engel is editor of Submit your soul to Human units, both foreign and domestic, are encouraged to send text, video, graphic, and audio art(ifacts), so long as they’re bluddlefilthy and from The Depths.