You’re Ariel Sharon and Life is Good

You’re Ariel Sharon, Israel’s Prime Minister. Your troops, on Nov. 23, 2002, shot to death a British subject, Iain John Hook. He was the highly respected UN project manager at Jenin, where your army had previously been accused of committing war crimes against the Palestinians. Hook was inside the UN compound, at Jenin, when the murder occurred. The Israeli killers said Mr. Hook appeared to have “a gun” in his hand. It was actually a cell phone! I’m sure it was just another of those darn “Israeli mistakes,” like the IDF’s massacre at Cana, Lebanon, on April 18, 1996; and, the IDF’s murderous attack on the USS Liberty on June 8, 1967. British P.M. Tony Blair will surely understand. Anyway, isn’t he George W. Bush Jr.’s lackey?

Meanwhile, you’re Ariel Sharon! What’s a little “mistake” between friends?

You even had to smile to yourself, when you issued your latest lame excuse for reoccupying Bethlehem, one of the holiest sites in Christendom. Your storm troopers closed the town down and even kept the Palestinian Christians from attending Sunday Mass at the ancient Church of the Nativity. No need to worry. Who really cares? Cardinal Edward M. Egan, Archbishop of New York City, was too busy viewing the NFL’s NY Jets beating the Buffalo Bills, 31 to 13, to even notice. By the way, is the IDF going to be in Bethlehem on Christmas Day, too?

Things couldn’t be better. You’re Ariel Sharon.

Those pesky Belgian state prosecutors tried to indict you for the supposed heinous war crimes you perpetrated at Sabra and Shatila. Lucky for you, an appellant court said, it had no jurisdiction since you’re not a resident of that country. Be careful, don’t let anybody offer you a free vacation to Belgium. Remember what happened to Chile’s General Augusto Pinochet on his UK holiday. It could happen to you, too!

You’re an international statesman. You’re Ariel Sharon.

In New York City, Mayor Michael Bloomberg is endorsing a gargantuan property tax hike of 18 % for its residents. Meanwhile, your accountants, Slick, Slash and Burn, are preparing a $10 billion shakedown of the American taxpayers. It supposed to be a loan guarantee, but we both know, Israel never repays it loans to the dumb Yankee goyim. This $10 billion will be in addition to the yearly $7 billion handout.

But, don’t worry. You’re Ariel Sharon.

Thanks to one of your favorite political hack, Sen. Joseph I. Lieberman (D-CT), the U.S. now has a “Homeland Security Agency,” to watch over the “home of the brave.” And, to further curtail the possibility of any genuine dissent in the “land of the free,” two more of your senatorial boy-ohs, Arlen Specter (R-PA) and Charles Schumer (D-NY), pushed through, without a public hearing, the Bill-of-Rights’-shredding “USA Patriot Act.” The duo are the godfathers of this scheme, which they seeded in the mid-90s. They are so clever their fingerprints can’t be found on the law.

You’re feeling pretty safe now. Your name is Ariel Sharon.

In fact, on Oct. 3, 2001, when you barked at a Tel Aviv Cabinet meeting, according to Israel Radio, (Kol Yisrael): “I want to tell you something very clear, don’t worry about America. We, the Jewish people, control America, and the Americans know it.” Well, you did go a little overboard on that one. Even if you’re right about the Jews controlling America, I still think it was a real stretch to say, “the Americans know it.” I think if they did know it, you, and the other bad Zionists, too, would be sent to your rooms, and forbidden to watch the “Jerry Springer TV Show!”

You’re smart. You’re clever. You’re Ariel Sharon.

You were mouthing off to the Times of London recently. And, darn if you didn’t say, “The day after U.S. troops finish off Saddam, they should turn their guns against Tehran.” Now, you almost blew the Zionist cover on that one. Most Americans are clueless about your country’s agenda about using the U.S. military to destroy Israel’s Arab enemies. Chicken hawk Richard Perle didn’t help either. He told members of the UK Parliament (11/25/02, Daily Mirror), the U.S. would attack Iraq, even if UN inspectors failed to find any weapons. Making President George W. Bush Jr. look like a dupe for Tel Aviv isn’t good for business Ariel.

Ariel Sharon is the man. Right and wrong are just words.

When you hold your press conferences in Tel Aviv, you tend to sit at your desk, behind a huge photo of your political guru, the late Vladimir Jabotinsky, an extreme right-winger, even by Likud’s low political standards. Now, this isn’t too smart. The press might find out that he advocated the ethnic cleansing of Palestinians from their own land. Some folks, too, think you will use a U.S.-led Gulf War II, as a cover to forcibly transfer all of the Palestinians to Jordan. Now, just cool it! Okay! Simply remove the Jabotinsky’s portrait and replace it with Jonathan Pollard’s!

Hey, time marches on. Ariel Sharon keeps ticking away.

Finally, last week, as your intentionally provocative colonial occupation policies continued to fuel a horrific cycle of violence, you railed, that you will “cut the hand off” anyone that strikes Israel. That’s a bloody kind of metaphor and it doesn’t help your reputation. Talking about hands, we met, in Dec., 1977. I even shook your hand. It was at a farewell banquet for Baltimoreans visiting the Holy Land, which was held in Tel Aviv. Since that time, I’ve noticed that I’m always washing my hand, like it has blood or some foreign substance on it. Does the Arab village of Qibya, in 1953, and Unit 101, bring back any memories for you? Oh heck, why spoil the party? Everything is always coming up roses for you.

You’re Ariel Sharon, and life is good.

WILLIAM HUGHES is the author of “Baltimore Iconoclast” (Writer’s Showcase), which is available online. He can be reached at