At the Police station–Officer, I have been robbed! A fellow with a gun took my wallet and clock just five minutes ago!–Of course Sir, we’ll take action immediately. Can I have your credit card?–Hell, that was in my wallet! You got to get the guy first.–In that case you’ll have to make a cash deposit. That’s 200 dollars please?–Hey, I was robbed of all valuables! I don’t have ANY money!–Sorry mister! In that case I wish you a good day. Thanks for seeing “Corleone Law & Order Corp” and remember to invest in our stock!
In the Library–Sorry Sir, “Educational Services” don’t have “War and Peace” OR “Shakespeare’s collected works” OR “Animal’s Farm” nowadays! They just don’t have profit potential any more and the turnover was shit. And since you’ve got very little credit left on your library credit card, I recommend “The wit and wisdom of George W. Bush” or “How to win friends by bombing people” by Donald Rumsfeld. Since we charge by the number of pages they are both extremely cheap! And the Wholy Bible is on special discount. Only 10c! Don’t forget to return them on time! Or else. . . .
Commercial for “Tax r Us”–Ask not what you can do for your country! Ask what you can pay to your country! Remember, missiles are the basis of democracy and they don’t come cheap!
Crossing the river–Hey man, you’re not allowed to cross here. You gotta take the new luxury bridge 13 miles upstream that cost $2 for pedestrians. How do you expect WorldCom’s “Bridge over Troubled Waters Inc” to make any profit if you guys use the old cheap bridges? Besides this one is already sold to be transported to Yokohama!–But I don’t need an expensive luxury bridge, and I’ll walk real slow, like.– Tough luck, Buddy! Now beat it!
At “Monsanto Ultra-Fast Food Shacks”–A glass of water and a burger? Coming up Sir. Do you want the normal tap water with standard filth for 1 buck, or Monsanto’s slightly modified high-tech neutron-added super-octane water for 3 bucks? It goes perfectly with our burgers made out of genetically modified caterpillars.
Finding two fat bearded men in black leather jackets at the door–Morning Maam. It’s been reported you still haven’t paid those $29,36 that you owe the IRS. We in “Death Angels’ Collectors” wonder if you can pay now or we gotta break your legs? And don’t forget the added collection fee of $250! Nice little kid you got there. . . Would be a pity if something happened to her, right?
The president on TV–I’m proud to announce that we will save 32 billion by outsourcing civil defence to Ukrainian National Guard. This allows us to spend 17 more million on national defence and make tax cuts for the highest earners by at least 19 billion. Now, some say this will cost more than we save but remember we do it for America and democracy. God bless you all!
At a “New Anderson Consulting & Governing Corp” board meeting–I’m pleased to be able to announce that our bids to take over governing in Zambia, Dubai, Venezuela and San Marino for the next two year period have been a total success. As a result we will be able to cook the books on a scale that is unprecedented in corporate history. Anyone here speak Zambian, by the way?
In a US federal court–Your honor, we in the jury have found the defendant, Arthur S. Greenpeace, guilty of having driven a vehicle averaging more than 15 miles per gallon.– And so say you all?–So say we all.–Very well. Arthur S. Greenpeace, in the name of “Exxon Mobile’s Court Services” i hereby sentence you to to be taken from this place to “Gambini Correction Facilities” in the cellars of 1035 Main Street where they will lean heavily on you to teach you proper patriotic behaviour. Hey! He’s trying to escape! Grab the enviro bastard!
An ad by the highway–Let us send you to places of our imagination!–“Enron Travels Inc.” dreams up happiness for you!
Conversation in a lobby–Whattya mean, we’re all sold out to big biz? You some kind of a nut or what? It doesn’t cost me more than 5 bucks in damages to “Sex Corp” for infringing on their patent rights when me and my old lady have a nice good session. I can even do it by instalments! Oh, sorry! I didn’t see you’re a nun.
Home is where the profit is–Ma, there comes Coca Cola out of the cold water faucet!–Shut up and drink, Bertie! We gotta consume 5 gallons of the stuff every week to be allowed to buy water! And they have the contract for two more years!
At the Hospital–So you don’t have health insurance, you don’t have plastic cards, you don’t have any money and you don’t have a steady address? And you expect us here at Compassionate Health to remove the knife in your back and stop the bleeding? Get real mister! Be happy we don’t charge you for messing up the carpet!
News comment on TV–And the bid for Attorney General for the next 4 years was won by 5 year old Cathy “the Great” Bush, the latest addition to “Bush Imperial Inc.”, the successful regime-conglomerate. A speaker for miss Bush outlines her policy as one of fighting terrorism and throwing tantrums when denied candy.
Letter to John Doe–Dear Sir, This is to inform you that your DNA code is now patented by “Human Labs Co” as J.D.#672391/974QD. In the future please desist and abstain from creating more offspring using sperm containing our patented code in the process unless paying us a stud-fee of $1850 per offspring. Yours sincerely, Kenneth Lay, President.
Downtown in Pittsburg–We got a report that you didn’t pay you air fee since you moved in last month!–Sorry, the air is so polluted here that I thought it was free breathing in the area.–Don’t try to muddle the issue Mac! How do you expect the shareholders of “Coalburners Air Supply” to live if you don’t pay your fees! But it’s a free country, you can stop breathing!
Outburst in the subway, to the tune of aggressive PA commercials–WHAAAAAAHHH!!! I don’t care what WTO, IMF and the world Bank says, I get crazy! This life in the Imperial States has turned into a nightmare!–Hey watch your words, Buster, I work for the CIA!–Hey, you’re not supposed to spy in the homeland!–We’re the “Controlling Individuals Agency” nowadays so you better bite your tongue and behave. Or drop dead!
And in the end. . .–“Rent-a-coffin Inc.” announces Q2 earnings up 37 % after introducing the recycling scheme for the dear deceased whereby they are put to good use after being processed into dog food. Brand name: Uncle & Auntie’s pet biscuits.
After all, corporate America knows what’s good for us all and deserves to be trusted, having shown it’s adherence to law, ethics and morals in years gone by. Corporate America has integrity and honesty that can only be matched by the politicians it has bought! The notion, that many of its foremost exponents are greedy, selfish and utterly amoral, can be based on nothing but ugly rumours! What can be better than giving corporations full freedom?
*GATS means “General Agreement on Trade in Services” and is presently peddled to governments around the world by WTO, IMF and the World Bank, in order to force privatization in all areas earlier financed by tax money.
JERRE SKOG is a Swedish writer, musician and alternative observer living in Germany since 1999. More articles, political and satirical can be found on: Jerre´s Thinktank www.skog.de Comments are welcome at: email@example.com