Man have I been stupid! Who knew that WINNING the War Against Iraq would mean LOSING the War Against Drugs! But now the weed’s outta the bag, so to speak. Lemme ‘splain:
I never bought that “No Blood for Oil” placards those government agents wave around at peace rallies or marching up and down like atavistic suffragettes in front of City Hall. No. I knew all along this war with Iraq was about good versus evil. No question about that. I just didn’t know how evil the evil we were facing was…
Anybody take a gander at a SUPER FAMOUS MAINSTREAM NEWMAG last week? What’s on the cover of that fine journal of opinion (and cool pix)? You said it buddy: Marijuana.
Anybody rush through Port Authority in Manhattan last week and glance at the newsstand for all of three seconds, like I did, just long enough to read the cover of a RELATIVELY FAMOUS MONTHLY NEWSMAG, where it’s implied, in BIG BLACK LETTERS that we, the people of the United States, must face the inevitable burden of Iraq becoming the 51st STATE after its ignominious military defeat?
Anybody put two and two together and not come out with five?
Exactly. This whole business with Iraq is about LEGALIZING MARIJUANNA! Man, I knew that Saddam was a hustler, but I had no idea how deep his evil – oh, let’s get off this pee-cee sissy-talk for a minute and stop apostrophizing or mentonymizing or whatever the hell you call it and tell it like it is – the evil of the IRAQI PEOPLE, the sheer cunning of this “PEOPLE” – really was!
At least half a million Iraqi children have conveniently died, according to Madeleine Albright in 1996 (knowing the malice of these Iraqis, dying on our dime, the figure has probably grown in leaps and bounds by now). What are these brats croaking from? Cancer, leukemia and other such maladies. Why? Cause of sanctions. Can’t get chemotherapy. A nasty, but often effective therapy that makes you wanna puke. And what, according to some hippy liberal Doctors and do-gooders in California and other axes of evil can make someone on said therapy not wanna puke? Right again, buster: Marijuana!
It was so damn obvious, yet so subtle, that not even the right honorable President of the United States, a Yale graduate, could see through it. But there it is, plain as the ghost of Cheney’s face: Iraq wants to become the 51st state and legalize Marijuana. God-damn those terrorist werewolves praying on decent American-
“We have nothing against the people of Iraq,” my ass! We got a lot against ’em, if we just follow the damn logic for once and read between the lines:
1. Many of these Iraqis, both young and old, might possibly be in the process of dying from diseases caused by depleted uranium and various toxins used by the U.S. of A. while defending the fine City of Kuwait against Saddam’s aggression in ’91. So now, after defying our mandated on-site weapons searches for chemical-weapons or whatever, they’re begging us, the country with the finest medical care money can buy, for “chemical assistance” in the form of chemotherapy.
2. This “chemotherapy” has dual use capacity: keeps ’em alive and makes ’em wanna puke.
3. Smoking Marijuana, a known carcinogen and god knows what all, makes ’em feel like not puking. In fact, it might even make the little tykes hungry (at which point, of course, they’ll be begging for food; our food).
4. In order to make Iraq the 51st state, we’re gonna have to blast ’em into submission (doesn’t have to be that way; they want it that way to get us hooked on marijuana!). We’ll have to send our boys over (don’t talk to me about no women in our armed forces; only American woman who died in the War of ’91 was Meg Ryan, and she was FRAGGED) to shoot ’em and bomb ’em and spray ’em with more Depleted Uranium and more toxins which will of course raise the cancer rate among children born and unborn (hope you voted only Pro-Life candidates, by the way) and you know what come next. Yup. More whining and crying for chemotherapy, which leads directly to the abuse of marijuana! Not only that, they’ll be pushing our boys in uniform to shoot marijuana, just like they did in Viet Nam, to get ’em hooked on the stuff and turn ’em into hippie dope fiends who’ll be about as effective in a firefight as Alan Dershowitz and just as freaky!
5. Here’s the Clincher: We have a benevolent leader, god bless him, who believes in States Rights (especially if you’re in the right state of rightness in the right states of Florida or Texas). If Iraq becomes the 51st state, and you know that’s what they’re planning, they’ll have the right to vote like all the rest of us. Then, as everyone in the free world knows, they can do anything they damn well please, including – you guessed it – LEGALIZING MARIJUANA FOR MEDICINAL PURPOSES.
Now, I may be stupid, but I ain’t dumb. I know all that fancy legal-medical talk about glaucoma and chemo-therapy and what not is just smoke screen for a particular, mind-altering smoke to waft into the nostrils of every susceptible American in its pungent path.
Iraq plans to become, via military conquest (paid for by U.S. dollars) and statehood, the Marijuana capital of the United States! The quarter million of our boys (and girls; won’t do no fighting, but I hear the fellas like to grope ’em when native women ain’t available) already there’ll be shooting up pot, listening to Schubert, munching couscous, sipping bitter coffee at cut-rate prices (Conspiracy against Starbucks? Wouldn’t rule out anything). And they won’t want to come home and get regular jobs, or defend the Home Land from terrorists either. Why? Well, Duh! Because, if Iraq becomes the 51st state, as U.S. citizens, they WILL be home!
And there’ll be worse to come. You thought Frisco in ’67 was a scene? Iraq, the 51st state, will become the mother of all dope dens. We got several million John (and Joanna) Walker Lint-Traps, full of crazy ideas they caught in college, probably through computer viruses and such, just aching to get over to Iraq in search of, not of Allah, but cheap, potent ganja. We might lose yet another generation to sex, drugs and – well, not Rock ‘n Roll exactly; probably worse: that spooky A-rab music you hear in the background of exotic porn videos.
Think I haven’t done my research? Think I can’t cite verifiable sources? Well, I happen to have a genuine Iraqi tied up right here in by basement (believe me it’s not hard; you can order just about anything over the Web these days; of course, they sent me damaged goods: my Iraqi boy, Tariq, was, or says he was, wounded in a preliminary bombing sortie last month).
“Yes sir. Please don’t hit me sir. I, the pain – it hurts so. Please!”
“Relax. I ain’t gonna hit you again. I just wanna ask you something. Do you or do you not want to shoot marijuana for your ‘pain,’ so called.
“Marijuana? For this pain? No sir. Not at all. Marijuana will do nothing for this pain. But if you please, sir. Please. A doctor. He can legally prescribe. Something for the pain. Please. How do you say in America, ‘Percocet? Demerol? Morphine?”
ADAM ENGEL lives and writes in NYC. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.