FacebookTwitterGoogle+RedditEmail

The New United States of Israel

President Bush astonished even his closest advisors today by issuing a Presidential Decree announcing that the State of Israel has become the 51st state of the union. Additionally, President Bush declared that he was renaming the union itself to the “New United States of Israel.”

When asked by CNN’s White House Correspondent Wolf Blitzer how he could justify a new state in the union which is so geographically distant, President Bush replied, “It seems you have forgotten that Hawaii is not attached to our land mass and Alaska is connected to Canada, not America. Having our new state connected to the Middle East is a minor inconvenience for their representatives with regard to travel, but as you are aware most of the house and senate members are there, physically or mentally, most of the year so it will not be a problem.”

House Republican Majority Leader Dick Armey (R-TX) refused to be interviewed on camera but mentioned that President Bush joked the other day at a Republican party working breakfast when he asked how Americans would react to moving Congress to Jerusalem. Armey stuttered while defending President Bush by speculating that the President probably felt that “the new state’s national guard, previously called Israeli Defense Forces, were in a better position to provide security to Congress given they are already armed to the teeth with the latest US armaments and have a nearby environmentally-accepted military testing ground, namely the West Bank.”

A leading Homeland Security military analyst close to President Bush, who requested to remain anonymous, responded to questions regarding the “transfer” by saying, “By moving Congress to Jerusalem President Bush would be making a strategic move to fight terror. Our intelligence sources have confirmed that Al-Qaeda and Ossama Bin Laden have all of their coordinates already set on DC. In three months, the move to Jerusalem would be complete and Bin Laden would have to start all over again. This disruption to Bin Laden’s planning will definitely take longer to recover from than the President’s term in office. President Bush is to be commended on safeguarding one of our most precious national institutions.”

When President Bush was asked why he felt it was necessary to change the name of the United States of America he snapped back in a hesitating voice saying, “What the hell is the difference! We built the USA on Native American Indian soil and they built Israel on Native Palestinian soil. We speak English and they speak English. We both came to ‘a land with no people, for a people with no land.’ Furthermore, most of our accounts are managed from Israel. If you don’t believe me call your representatives and senators and ask them. Better yet, dial 1-800-CALL-AIPAC and they can tell you all about how our government’s 401K plan works.”

Following the President’s press conference, CEO Glen Barton from Caterpillar, a heavy equipment manufacture, stated that all Israeli settlements in the West Bank were strictly built to US Building Code specifications. Mr. Barton stated, “these beautiful, hilltop residential areas would serve as perfect neighborhoods for congresspersons and senators. Plus, they were all built with equipment made right here in the USA.”

National Security experts noted that these Israeli settlement neighborhoods, formally illegal obstacles to peace, are much safer than downtown DC and they did not see the security risks of this landmark decision to relocate Congress as a major obstacle.

Religious leaders throughout the US praised the President’s moves and looked forward to these developments bringing an end to the crisis at the Church of Nativity in Bethlehem. The Vatican issued an upbeat statement in 67 languages saying, “American leadership has ensured that Bethlehem will be rebuilt in time for the Year 3000 Millennium celebrations.”

Palestinian President Yasir Arafat was interviewed from his hospital bed, where he was being treated for hyperventilation after hearing the news. Arafat said, “President Bush asked me to earn his respect by leading. Well, I now announce that the State of Palestine is declared in the State of Texas. As of our arrival in Texas in 6 days, all Texans will be subjected to Palestinian military occupation and kindly asked to take refuge on the Mexican border. I urge all not to panic. I expect in a short 35 years we will be in a position to discuss holding an international conference to discuss a long-term interim agreement that will result in the loss of your right to return to your homes and the loss of your right to freedom and independence, but we will, and I repeat, we will allow you to establish a viable Texan state in Mexico as long as it is not built on corruption.”

Israeli Foreign Minister Shimon Peres was contacted for comments but his office reported that he had taken his entire extended family, along with New York Times foreign affairs columnist Thomas Friedman, on vacation to Saudi Arabia and would not be available for comment until next week.

Sam Bahour is a Palestinian-American businessman living in the besieged Palestinian City of Al-Bireh/Ramallah in the West Bank and can be reached at sbahour@palnet.com. This satirical article was written after a series of US moves in support of Israel that were made while Israel was committing war crimes against Palestinians.

 

More articles by:

Sam Bahour is a Palestinian-American business consultant in Ramallah and serves as a policy adviser to Al-Shabaka, the Palestinian Policy Network. He was born and raised in Youngstown, Ohio and blogs at ePalestine.com.

August 16, 2018
Bruce E. Levine
“Don’t Be Stupid, Be a Smarty”: Why Anti-Authoritarian Doctors Are So Rare
W. T. Whitney
New Facebook Alliance Endangers Access to News about Latin America
Sam Husseini
The Trump-Media Logrolling
Ramzy Baroud
Mission Accomplished: Why Solidarity Boats to Gaza Succeed Despite Failing to Break the Siege
Larry Atkins
Why Parkland Students, Not Trump, Deserve the Nobel Peace Prize
William Hartung
Donald Trump, Gunrunner for Hire
Yves Engler
Will Trudeau Stand Up to Mohammad bin Salman?
Barbara Nimri Aziz
Morality Tales in US Public Life?
Vijay Prashad
Samir Amin: Death of a Marxist
Binoy Kampmark
Boris Johnson and the Exploding Burka
Eric Toussaint
Nicaragua: The Evolution of the Government of President Daniel Ortega Since 2007 
Adolf Alzuphar
Days of Sagebrush, Nights of Jasmine in LA
Robert J. Burrowes
A Last Ditch Strategy to Fight for Human Survival
August 15, 2018
Jason Hirthler
Russiagate and the Men with Glass Eyes
Paul Street
Omarosa’s Book Tour vs. Forty More Murdered Yemeni Children
Charles Pierson
Is Bankruptcy in Your Future?
George Ochenski
The Absolute Futility of ‘Global Dominance’ in the 21st Century
Gary Olson
Are We Governed by Secondary Psychopaths
Fred Guerin
On News, Fake News and Donald Trump
Arshad Khan
A Rip Van Winkle President Sleeps as Proof of Man’s Hand in Climate Change Multiplies and Disasters Strike
P. Sainath
The Unsung Heroism of Hausabai
Georgina Downs
Landmark Glyphosate Cancer Ruling Sets a Precedent for All Those Affected by Crop Poisons
Rev. William Alberts
United We Kneel, Divided We Stand
Chris Gilbert
How to Reactivate Chavismo
Kim C. Domenico
A Coffeehouse Hallucination: The Anti-American Dream Dream
August 14, 2018
Daniel Falcone
On Taking on the Mobilized Capitalist Class in Elections: an Interview With Noam Chomsky
Karl Grossman
Turning Space Into a War Zone
Jonah Raskin
“Fuck Wine Grapes, Fuck Wines”: the Coming Napafication of the World
Manuel García, Jr.
Climate Change Bites Big Business
Alberto Zuppi - Cesar Chelala
Argentina at a Crossroads
Chris Wright
On “Bullshit Jobs”
Rosita A. Sweetman
Dear Jorge: On the Pope’s Visit to Ireland
Binoy Kampmark
Authoritarian Revocations: Australia, Terrorism and Citizenship
Sara Johnson
The Incredible Benefits of Sagebrush and Juniper in the West
Martin Billheimer
White & Red Aunts, Capital Gains and Anarchy
Walter Clemens
Enough Already! Donald J. Trump Resignation Speech
August 13, 2018
Michael Colby
Migrant Injustice: Ben & Jerry’s Farmworker Exploitation
John Davis
California: Waging War on Wildfire
Alex Strauss
Chasing Shadows: Socialism Won’t Go Away Because It is Capitalism’s Antithesis 
Kathy Kelly
U.S. is Complicit in Child Slaughter in Yemen
Fran Shor
The Distemper of White Spite
Chad Hanson
We Know How to Protect Homes From Wildfires. Logging Isn’t the Way to Do It
Faisal Khan
Nawaz Sharif: Has Pakistan’s Houdini Finally Met his End?
Binoy Kampmark
Trump Versus Journalism: the Travails of Fourth Estate
Wim Laven
Honestly Looking at Family Values
FacebookTwitterGoogle+RedditEmail