The Republicans’ Secret Plan X

(The following transcript in a plain brown envelope was slipped under my door sometime in the middle of the night. The transcript bears all the earmarks of authenticity, but I leave it to readers to decide.)

Excerpts from: THE CHAIRMAN’S TAPES: BEING A RECORD OF A TOP-SECRET MEETING OF THE REPUBLICAN NATIONAL COMMITTEE

FORWARDED TO MR. CHUCKMAN BY A CONCERNED SECRETARY

Compassion:

“This here word’s okay now in campaign lit’ature, jus’ don’t go gettin’ carried away with it. Photo-ops with li’l black an’ Hispanic chil’en’s fine so long as, now I wanna repeat this, boyz, (Transcriber’s note: No women’s voices are heard on the tape) so long as they all presentable an’ were not the result o’ any illicit relations an’ ain’t never been treated foh drugs or any o’ them lib’rah diseases, an’ you boyz know what I’m sayin’ on that one so I don’t hafta draw ya no pictures. Now, I don’t want any a ya lettin’ me down on this one, ya all hear!”

Family Values:

“Now, spite some grumblin’ an’ moanin’, this here’s been a winner foh us, what ya might call a breakthrough, in bein’ able ta say one thing an’ doin’ somethin’ else, which, tell me if I’m wrong on this, is jus’ the kinda thing a red-blooded party like ours’s always on the lookout foh. (Transcriber’s note: Loud hoots and cheers and laughter are heard in the background.)

“An’ as foh that lib’rah bunch a pukes out there, well, they jus’ can’t go g’inst family values. An’, heck, you boyz know it don’t slow ya down none from havin’ a good time. It keeps them Good-Book thumpers out there on our side. Now, they’s definitely some folks we all’d surely rather have inside the tent spittin’ an’ hissin’ out, than outside spittin’ an’ hissin’ in.

“I know you boyz’ll agree with me on that (Transcriber’s note: More loud cheers and laughter are heard). So I don’t wanna hear no more gripin’ an’ frettin’ on this one, boyz. Jus’ squeeze a li’l mention inta ev’ry speech there somewheres.”

Secret Plan X:

“I ain’t a goin’ ta say a who’e lot on this here taday. They’s a special ex’utive meeti’ commin’ up nex’ year. But you boyz knows this here’s the party’s ultimate goal, our ‘tomic bomb so ta speak. We been a nippin’ an’ tuckin’ round the edges a this long as anyone can remember. We been foh no mo’e spendin’, no mo’e programs, no mo’e taxes, no mo’e poor folks gettin’ handouts, an’ no mo’e lib’rah pukes bein’ elected.

“But these’s been half-way measures, we all know that! Jus’ wait’ll we tell the ‘merican people they don’t need no fed’ral gov’ment anymore. Jus’ get rid o’ the danged thing! I’ll tell ya, boyz, this one’s gonna be big. We gonna win big with this.

“Now, I don’t want any a ya runnin’ off at the mouth on this here ‘fore we ready ta go. Am I makin’ myself clear on that? (Transcriber’s note: Loud roars of assent throughout the hall.)

“We buildin’ a advertizin’ war ches’ on this the like a which ain’t never been seen. Ya outta see them contrabutions pourin’ in! Why, we got corporations tithin’! That’s right, boyz, corporations tithin’ ! Now, who ‘s gonna say the ‘merican people ain’t the mos’ gen’rous an’ patriotic in the world? (Transcriber’s note: Cheers are so loud, the remainder of the text is only approximate.) They know they gonna make it back in no time. Boyz, this here’s gonna fix us up foh life!”

John Chuckman is a columnist with YellowTimes. He encourages your comments: jchuckman@YellowTimes.ORG

John Chuckman lives in Canada.

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