“Those who would give up essential Liberty, to purchase a little temporary Safety, deserve neither Liberty nor Safety.” Benjamin Franklin
Maybe you’ve heard about the so-called Patriot Act of 2001, maybe you haven’t, but it enables the police to hear all about you. And no, I’m not being unpatriotic or un-American when I say this. On the contrary, dissent is very American, although the Patriot Act punishes dissent. Dissenters could be terrorists, after all.
So, let’s have a look at the genesis of this Act, which has snuck up on Americans like a rapist who gives it to you in the locker-room when you’re bending over to put on your pants. Now, rapists are generally people who have been hurt in the past, and these patriotic rapists are no exception. They’ve been hurt. They feel impotent, stung by the castrating pain of having had America’s two biggest buildings cut down in a fiery apocalypse of humiliation. To make it worse, they are embarrassingly unable to catch anyone alive responsible for this gargantuan crime.
So Congress and the President have lashed out yet again, like Raving Castrati, Raving BLIND Castrati who can’t even see what they’re lashing out at, pitifully unable to hit the real bullies who hit us, not content with hitting innocent Afghans with not-so-smart bombs, they are now hitting innocent Americans with the Patriot Act, tossing our civil liberties onto the blazing bonfire set by the terrorists on September 11.
The bonfire that is consuming our American freedoms was certainly set by terrorists, but fanatics wrapping themselves in the flag are fanning it. The man behind the Patriot Act is US Attorney General John Ashcroft, whom I’ve nicknamed (W isn’t the only one with nicknames) “Asscraft,” as he is craftily using this moment of weakness to fuck us all in the ass.
In other words, Ayatollah Asscraft is exploiting the 9.11 tragedy and the anthrax panic, horrible mysteries which our government officials are thus far too ill-equipped, incompetent or just too damn lazy to solve, to put us all under police surveillance.
Just to give you a taste of what’s to come: the Patriot Act of 2001 gives any U.S. Attorney or state attorney general the power to install the Carnivore e-mail snooping system in so-called “emergency situations” without obtaining a court order. It expands the definition of “terrorist” so broadly that it could include non-violent protesters at an anti-war rally. It could include me, or very possibly, you. It makes it easier for the government to tap multiple phones as part of a “roving wiretap” warrant, and to imprison legal immigrants for seven days based on a mere accusation of terrorism, maybe from an angry neighbor or jealous co-worker. And it goes on, torching our civil liberties, one by one, for 122 pages, with Ayatollah Ass-Craft leading the Crusade.
Osama may be crazy for wanting a world ruled by Islam. But Asscraft is the one who said, “We have no King but Jesus” (in a speech at Bob Jones University, now turning into a sort of academic Mecca for American Holy Warriors). And he hasn’t seemed to make a stitch of progress in finding the accomplices to those dreadful mass murders or the vermin releasing the anthrax, though he has arrested about 1,000 so-called potential terrorists, finding zero hard evidence on any of them.
Moreover, his Patriot Act, though it’s doubtful it will ensnare real terrorists, is already having a chilling effect on free speech in America. I am personally feeling the chill. One of my own former attorneys, the dastardly, cowardly Greg Smith, Suicide Lawyer, is so chilled that he has just thrown himself–and is now attempting to throw me-onto the bonfire of civil liberties, set by the terrorists, fanned by the homeland fanatics and fed by homeland wimps like Greg Smith.
Greg Smith came to me when he read in the LA Times that my civil rights (and the rights of my staff and guests), were violated when members of the LAPD invaded and occupied our broadcast studio and art gallery, in the middle of a show, with no warrant and for no legal reason. For over a year, Greg Smith pumped me up, passionate about his belief that my basic civil rights were violated, and I deserved recompense and an apology. Greg Smith courted me, eager to represent me, to try this case and win.
Then came the assignment of a judge with a tough reputation; that gave him cold feet. I could see a bright yellow streak emerging right down Greg Smith’s spine. But when he suggested we back out because of this judge and I said no, I’m fighting for important principles here, he agreed that was my right, and he would fulfill his professional duty to represent me.
Then, shortly after the attacks of Sept. 11, Greg Smith called me into his office and, like the sheepish, spineless coward that he is, told me that, besides his personal fears of this judge, he was now afraid juries would not look favorably upon private, law-abiding citizens saying that police had violated their rights. He said Americans are now willing to forego their civil rights for the sake of feeling secure, and that no jury would vote against the police right now, so we might as well just give up. That’s Greg Smith, American Wimp.
I told Greg Smith that I feel that it is more important now than ever for American citizens to defend our precious civil liberties, our right of privacy and our right to conduct legal business without unwarranted police interference. If we surrender our rights so easily, then certainly, we hand a victory to the terrorists.
In fact, the time to take our stand against a fascist response to the terrorist threat is right now, before the Asscrafts of the nation can consolidate their power and their agenda. Later, it will be harder, maybe too hard.
Greg Smith, it’s wimps like you, who in the wake of these terrible attacks, are turning America into the police state that Osama and his ilk would just love to see us turn into. Greg Smith, give it up! Stop practicing law before you’re disbarred, or before you fail due to your own failure of nerve and conscience. You’re on way out anyway. Go raise chickens somewhere safe.
But you’re not going to stop me. And you’re not going to stop America. I believe in the power of our Bill of Rights. And I believe that somehow, someway, we who believe in the vitality of freedom, will not let this great sexy country of ours fall victim to terrorism, and lose our civil liberties, which include sexual liberties.
I believe that, unlike the Germans of the 1930s who gave their country over to the Nazis after the burning of the Reichstag building, we will not turn fascist because a couple of our great buildings burned. This is what I believe. This is what I hope for. This is what I will fight for.
Give me my Civil Liberties, or give me death!
And hey, all you nuts, holy warriors and crusaders out there, please don’t use my patriotic passion as an excuse to send anthrax.
If you’d like to join my campaign to maintain our civil liberties, including our sexual liberties, to spit in the eye of terrorism and fascism, and keep ourselves free, in spite of the likes of the wimp Greg Smith and the high-and-mighty Ayatollah Asscraft, call my office at 213.239.0300 or email me at email@example.com.