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CounterPunch
October
9, 2002
Let Wag the
Dogs of War
or
No Peace at Any Price
by BEN TRIPP
Here's a chilling thought: what if we don't
go to war with Iraq? I know, that's the kind of crazy pessimistic
talk that causes people to drink snifters of benzene. But we
need to at least consider the idea, if only from a distance,
poking it with sticks to see if it will explode. Surely there's
no chance, you say. After all we're already at war, in
an informal kind of way, slipping into it gradually like a hot
bath. We've bombed Iraq thirty-odd times this year, and with
some countries, you bomb them even once and they would call it
war, even if you were just fooling. This war could even be considered
a resumption of hostilities from the last war. We never did
finish that one, but left it lying around like one of those model
airplane kits that turns out to be too difficult to build, but
which is too expensive to just throw away. Or maybe the intervening
decade was just an intermission. But the various appurtenances
of a proper war, such as a rationale, a strategy, or an opponent,
just haven't materialized. There's a fighting chance this war
is not going to happen.
Only days ago, the odds of this exigency
eventuating were at a neap. But now Iraq is willing, almost
eager, panting slightly with lips moistly parted, to allow weapons
inspectors to have their way with her-- and the UN says it can
have inspectors over there in a couple of weeks, complete with
snazzy mission patches and logo hats. That justification for
war is gone, and it was pretty much the only one left, unless
we include George W. Bush, Jr.'s plaint that Saddam Hussein intended
trucidation on his old man. As I recall George Sr. was also
trying to kill Saddam right back, and the war took place much
closer to Saddam's digs than the Bush stronghold in Washington,
DC, so this isn't a great excuse. All the other reasons, like
indisputable proof of the hypothetical possibility that Iraq
could someday possess weapons of mass destruction if it was given
some as a holiday gift, have evaporated. So unless we proceed
to war on the basis that Saddam is a spoilsport, America is out
of ratiocinations.
An optimist might suggest we could have
a war anyway if, for instance, Iraq were to shoot down one of
our bombers by mistake. We've been flying awfully close to Baghdad
lately, and you know how these things happen, especially when
the enemy army is mostly teenagers. You think they're careless
with automobiles, see what they do with an anti-aircraft battery!
Then we could have one of those retaliatory wars like after
the Vietnamese almost attacked us in the Gulf of Tonkin and we
put the kibosh on their godless Commie selves. But what if the
unthinkable happens, and we can't even fake a reason for
going to war? Then what? Damn your eyes, think! If we don't
come up with something, this entire nation could wake up to the
ruin of the domestic economy, the destruction of our environment,
our freedoms, and our futures , and then people would get really,
really bummed out and be freakin on badness.
In this case the Republicans would probably
lose by a landslide, which would mean savage retaliation by the
White House and possibly the death of American Democracy as we
know it (again). Without this war, the GOP is doomed, and that's
a nightmare waiting to happen- just ask the Supreme Court. What,
then, are the options? We can't just not have a war. Here are
my suggestions, humble as they may be (unlike myself), to avert
this fatal war-free collision with reality:
1. Start a war with some other country.
The "Axis of Evil" includes Iraq, North Korea, Iran,
and Drugs, as I recall. Iran is right next door to Iraq. We
could use the same amassed troops we amassed over there, en masse.
And Ari Fleischer could claim we never meant "Iraq",
we were always after "Iran", but there was a typographical
error. The names are so similar and all those dune goons look
the same.
2. Create a new domestic crisis. Ideally
of such immensity that it requires the elections be postponed.
This could be as simple as having some out-of-work actor, like
the guy who played "Harry" in the "Harry and Louise"
anti-universal healthcare ads, dress up as Osama Bin Laden and
attack the White House. Maybe Bush could even do a stage fight
with him, like Harrison Ford in "Air Force One". That
would be so cool. He could like fight off Bin Laden and knock
off his turban, exposing these like green pulsing brains underneath
and then he beats the pretzels out of him. Then maybe we wouldn't
even need elections any more, because Bush is like so in charge,
why not have him be President forever?
3. Lie about everything. Actually, this
tactic is working pretty well, so maybe just stick with it.
If "Osama who?" is an acceptable response, how about
"Saddam who?" Just claim the Democrats made the whole
thing up as a smokescreen to hide their favoritism for Negroes,
women, the elderly, and other dangerous fringe elements of society.
People will buy pretty much anything these days, why not?
I'm sure there are other approaches,
but I can't think clearly what with all this anxiety, the vodka
bong hits, and the Dilaudin. I'll make it through somehow.
But the question is, how will we as a nation make it through?
Such lofty American choux pastries as our economy and
freedoms have already been devoured from the inside until they're
nothing more than hollow shells; a non-war might shatter the
crust. Yet looking on the bright side, isn't it better not
to fight a war, if possible? Won't a war damage the economy
even further, and allow the domestic oppressions to expand, as
often happens in such times? After all, without the war or any
Republicans in office, maybe we could rebuild our nation. Realistically,
what have we got to lose by giving up this ill-considered war
with Iraq?
We will lose the most important thing
of all, like falling headfirst into an industrial belt sander.
We will lose face.
Ben Tripp
is a screenwriter. He can be reached at: credel@earthlink.net
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2002
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