|
CounterPunch
September
21, 2002
Advice from
a Polemicist
or
Love
in the Time of Choler
by
BEN TRIPP
I get an awful lot of mail from people looking
for free advice. I have no beef with this, of course, except
the 'free' part; giving advice comes naturally to a man accustomed
to lead and be followed such as myself. Just the other day I
was leading and there were people following me, and I was only
going to the dry cleaner to complain about some shirt buttons
he used to crack walnuts. I think my followers were from the
Justice Department. They sure wanted to ask me some questions.
But sometimes I get worn out from answering the same questions
and dispensing the same advice, like a doctor in the middle of
a cholera epidemic who finds himself longing for just one case
of tonsillitis to break up the monotony. So, like that doctor,
only without the sphygmomanometer peeking coyly out of my coat
pocket, I'm going to answer the question I'm most often asked.
If you find your question isn't answered here, feel free to
drop me a line and I'll do my best to clear things up. If the
problem is a sudden onset of watery diarrhea, vomiting, and cramps,
you probably have cholera. Swing by the doctor's office and
for Christ's sake keep away from me.
While I do get requests for advice on
sex, dating, and high altitude strudel recipes, people most want
to know how to make their voices heard in today's political environment.
Time and time again I hear the same complaint: "attempting
to influence the course of national events these days is like
making a phone call to Ecuador in a room full of howler monkeys
with diesel-powered trombones". Sometimes it's proboscis
monkeys or macaques, but the theme is always the same. Why ask
me? After all, I'm not a primatologist. But people read my
excoriating polemics, and they figure a guy who can come within
twenty feet of an excoriating polemic without his eyebrows get
blown clean off, that guy can help me. The problem is, most
persons think an excoriating polemic is a type of leopard that
can breathe fire on its enemies. Here then is my advice on what
you, the average human citizen, can do to influence American
Politics.
The most obvious thing, which is to vote
every dozen years or so, ought to go without saying. And often
does. But I don't want to be accused of delivering Pat Advice;
I don't even know him. So here's the best way to vote: During
An Election. If you vote six months after an election, it doesn't
improve your candidate's chances, unless you vote Republican,
in which case they will either back-date your vote, or apply
it to the next election. Even voting early won't help, because
the voting machines aren't generally functional until the last
half-hour before the police shut down the polling places. Try
to show up on time, and bring your passport. Not only is this
proof of your identity, but if the election doesn't go your way
you can leave the country without even going home.
In theory (which is about the end of
it) every eligible voter is entitled to make his or her voice
heard when there's an election. But elections mostly determine
who's going to misrepresent you in the government. Once they're
in office, how do you let your Erected Replesentatives know what
you want them to do? Other than if you live in the same building,
in which case you can mention it pretty much any time. And how
do citizens who are not eligible to vote such as Democrats, black
folk, and old Jews in Florida make their opinions known? After
all, they may not be allowed to vote, but they're still American
Citizens (as of this writing) and have a right to be ignored
just like normal people. Again, the answer is so simple even
a conservative could understand it. Call your Representatives
on the telephone. Write them letters. Send them Emails, faxes,
and telegrams, or a flaming arrow with a note tied to it. If
you choose this option, be sure to fire the arrow through an
open window so it whacks into the desk right in front of them,
transfixing the very piece of legislation you oppose- this looks
really cool, and it sends an unambiguous message (assuming the
note doesn't catch fire before they read it).
Always remember to be concise, polite,
succinct, courteous, brief, and civil when contacting your Elected
R., as nobody likes to get angry or threatening communications,
and these people can get you hunted down by the FBI. They have
very short attention spans, and in most cases won't actually
read your mail, which might contain anthrax, but will instead
guess at its contents. In case they do read your epistle (a
rude word for letter) try to avoid certain catchphrases that
can cause you problems the next time you step out of your house,
like "I make letter bombs" or "Allah embraces
all who die in His name while slaughtering the infidels".
Remember: terse, mannerly, pithy, genteel, breviloquent, and
decorous wins the race. Also try to avoid repeating yourself.
Of course it's one thing to influence
the opinions of your E. Representative, and quite another thing
to hang from alligator clips by the loose skin at the end of-
no, it's no good. I got distracted. Right across the street
from me is this team of nihilist German acrobats doing some kind
of performance piece. . . It's amazing I get anything accomplished,
yesterday the contortionists were imitating lobsters in Uncle
Sam costumes and one of them got a cramp while his head was tucked
under his pelvis, which shut down the whole block. Nobody even
knows what they're saying. The point is, it's one thing to influence
Government Officials, another thing to influence your Fellow
Citizens. If you can generate popular interest in your opinions
and concerns, which is unlikely, other people may add their voices
to yours, and when you have several voices, you could even get
a choir going and do "We Are The World", which goes
over really well. Not everybody is familiar with the issues,
and not everybody knows what's going on. In fact nobody does.
So if you have the foggiest idea about anything, you should
sound off. This is also a simple matter, particularly if you
own a large media conglomerate or a string of newspapers, or
you have your own show on cable TV. Otherwise, maybe you could
join a troupe of German acrobats. They seem to have something
to say, and I'm sure you could articulate it better than them,
not having the heavy accent.
An extension of the Public Forum (which
is the medical name for that loose skin I mentioned before) is
Grassroots Organizing. This is when a concerned citizen or choir
group decides to build support for or against an issue by getting
people's lawns together. In this manner citizens' groups can
have an enormous impact on matters of public policy, or none
at all. This is what makes it so exciting. You can never tell
how things will come out. Grassroots Organizers will distribute
leaflets, send mass mailings, and sponsor public events by which
their viewpoint can be distorted by the media, especially when
you throw a few bricks through some windows and then the pigs
come down on you, if it bleeds it leads, man, because that's
what it's about, it's the Man trying to silence dissent but the
people won't be silenced, this is a tidal wave that is going
to turn this whole country around! Hey, where's my lawn?
Finally, and certainly last on this list,
if you really want to make a difference, run for Public Office
yourself. After all, if somebody who is passionate about the
issues at stake in our country today runs for office and gets
elected, it would be a miracle. Once you're in a position of
public trust, you can start enacting the changes you want to
see happen, and you get free parking. In order to get on a ballot
(an elusive type of butterfly) you merely have to gather enough
signatures to qualify. You can even write them yourself out
of the phone book. Try to change your handwriting from one signature
to the next, and switch pens. Then you need about a hundred
million dollars (five thousand Euros), which can be gotten from
very wealthy corporate sources by changing your political views
and compromising on the issues. Assuming your opponent has less
money than you, you are certain to be elected! But don't all
of a sudden revert to your old viewpoints, or you will be assassinated
or even mocked. Once in office, it's best to mention some of
your ideas about transforming American Politics in a very timid
way, and drop the subject if anybody notices. Nobody likes a
bossy-pants. Over time, you'll find the System is in fact working
for you, and you're very comfortable, which must mean that the
System Works! If other people feel disenfranchised, it's just
because they're unwilling to participate, or worse yet, colored.
I hope this summary of the issue I'm
most often asked about has helped to address some of your stupid
concerns. If you follow my advice and really get involved, you
will find that you're not the voiceless, frustrated nobody you
were before. Instead you will be a voiceless frustrated nobody
on the Justice Department's hit list, and when they take you
to their special interview room, I guarantee you will find your
voice. It will sound like Donald Duck's voice. As for myself,
I think I have cholera, so you Feds better back off or you might
catch it too: cholera, like democracy, spreads only through direct
contact.
Ben Tripp
is a screenwriter. He can be reached at: credel@earthlink.net
©2002 by Ben Tripp
Today's Features
September 20, 2002
Joan Hoff
Debating
War:
the Forgotten Tradition
Norman Madarasz
Lessons from a Cyncial Master
Jean Chretien's New York
State of Mind
Mitchel Cohen
Toxic Wastes
and
the New World Order
Peter Lee
Why Bush
Wants This War
Bruce Jackson
20 Questions
About Bush's
War Against Arabs
Krystal Kyer
Greenwashing the Marketplace
New
Print Edition of CounterPunch Available Exclusively
to Subscribers:
- Hunting Commie Perverts:
The Scarlet Professor
- DC's Best Political
Mind; DC's Most Dangerous Man;
- Dershowitz the Torturer:
Guess Why He Wants Clean Needles;
- Lese Majeste: That's
Against the Law Too;
- The Greatest Endorsement
AAA Will Ever Get;
- Merle Haggard on Civil
Liberties;
- Dullness Hailed: The Press on the Defeat of McKinney,
Traficant and Barr;
- National Review Puffs
into Town.
Remember, the CounterPunch website is
supported exclusively by subscribers to our newsletter. Our worldwide
web audience is soaring , with about seven million hits a month
now. This is inspiring, but the work involved also compels us
to remind you more urgently than ever to subscribe and/or make
a (tax deductible) donation if you can afford it. If you find our site useful please: Subscribe
Now!
Or Call Toll Free 1-800-840-3683
home / subscribe
/ about us
/ books
/ archives
/ search
/ links
/
|
September
20, 2002
Joan Hoff
Debating
War:
the Forgotten Tradition
Norman Madarasz
Lessons from a Cyncial Master
Jean Chretien's New York
State of Mind
Mitchel Cohen
Toxic Wastes
and
the New World Order
Peter Lee
Why Bush
Wants This War
Bruce Jackson
20 Questions
About Bush's
War Against Arabs
Krystal Kyer
Greenwashing the Marketplace
September
19, 2002
Ron Jacobs
Cheney's
Vermont Breakfast
Ilija Trojanow
/ Ranjit Hoskote
Who Cares
for Human Rights?
It's a "Just" War
Jordy Cummings
How
to Silence
Pro-Palestinian Voices
Salam Rahal
The Rape
of a Nation
Richard Falk
& David Krieger
War with
Iraq:
It's Not Bush's Decision
Ralph Nader
How Congress
Can Fight Corporate Crime
Kurt Nimmo
Bush Senior:
Hating Saddam, Selling Him Weapons
September
18, 2002
Rep. Cynthia
McKinney
Goodbye
to All That
Jeffrey St.
Clair
Cancerous
Air
Born Under a Bad Sky
Ben Tripp
Smoking
Gun
of a Hatchet Job
Peggy Thomson
20 Years
After:
Sabra and Shatila
Thomas Mountain
September
1982
Sabra and Chatila (Poem)
William Cook
Yet Another
Bush Doctrine
Kathleen Christison
Israel's Other Voices
Resources:
100s of Links
About 9/11
CounterPunch:
Complete
Coverage of 9/11 and Its Aftermath
Five
Days That
Shook The World:
Seattle and Beyond
By
Alexander Cockburn
and Jeffrey St. Clair
Photos by Allan Sekula
(Click Here to Order from CounterPunch
Online at 20% Off Amazon.com's price!)
Read
Whiteout and Find Out
How the CIA's Backing of the Mujahideen Created the World's Most
Robust Heroin Market and Helped to Finance the Rise of the Taliban
and Osama bin Laden
Whiteout:
CIA, Drugs & the
Press
by Alexander
Cockburn
and Jeffrey St. Clair
|