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CounterPunch
December
10, 2002
Help Wanted:
US Government Looking for Qualified Applicants
by CAROL NORRIS
The current administration is looking for qualified
applicants to fill positions in its new agencies, departments,
task forces, offices, appointments, organizations and bureaus
spawned from the war on terror. (No. Of course this is not big
government. We are a Republican administration, for chrissakes.
We call it: Operation Never-Ending Small Government.)
Qualifications
- Aging white men, responsible for an
assortment of wrongdoings and misconduct in former administrations
given top priority.
- Persons convicted of multiple felons
involving, say, illegal arm sales to foreign guerillas, let off
on technicalities; those involved in egregious corporate transgressions;
and human rights violators and individuals considered war criminals
by many at home and abroad who were once integral in the preemptive
"secret" bombing and killing of millions of civilians
in a country in Southeast Asia or in a deadly South American
coup that happened on another tragic September 11th in 1973 are
welcome to apply. Misdemeanors okay, too.
- A proven track record of lying to/withholding
information from/misleading Congress and the American people
in the name of national security (or not), a huge plus. Willingness
to continue doing so is extremely desirable.
- References from current or past foreign
dictators and Geedubya's daddy favorably received. (An Axis of
Evil leader's recommendation acceptable. If US corporations find
it kosher to continue doing business with these anointed evildoers,
that's good enough for us.)
- Established, direct ties to industry
an absolute must.
- Ability to work shredder and delete
button on computer required.
- Space in private home to store sensitive,
sought-after governmental documents from past administrations
puts you at a real advantage.
- Your conflict of interest is not a conflict
for us.
Salary
Commensurate with what can get away with.
While Bush just limited federal employee raises (below what Congress
asked for), he has now reinstituted cash bonuses for political
appointees. This practice was banned during the Clinton era due
to questions of abuse and of rewarding political loyalty. But
like the daily resurrection of other long-gone, dearly departed
policies, practices and people revived in this administration:
it's back.
A Justice Department memorandum explains
that the bonuses "will be limited to truly outstanding performance
that contributes directly to achieving the president's and the
attorney general's national goals and objectives." So, just
play nice with John and Geedubya and you're golden. Literally.
Perks
Unparalleled power veiled in a cloak
of secrecy. We're in the process of eviscerating the Freedom
of Information Act (FOIA). Sshhh. It's a secret. We know what
a great tool it is for the American people to use to find out
what we're up to. And we don't particularly want people to know
these things. So back in October 2001, Ashcroft assured agency
heads that the Justice Department would back any FOIA denials
they made to the public.
Then White House Chief of Staff Andrew
Card gave instructions in a March 2002 memo that agencies should
restrict access to "sensitive but unclassified" information
requested through the FOIA. "Sensitive" is a boundless
umbrella. Already this has resulted in the deletion of over 6,000
Pentagon documents. And there are more deletions on the way,
to be sure. And now the recently passed Homeland Security bill
includes a provision that lets agencies exempt themselves from
certain FOIA requests without any judicial review. So, there
are almost no checks and balances in place.
Cloak of disinformation. It's true that
Rumsfeld's Office of Strategic Influence was shut down after
public outcry about an office whose blatant purpose was to generate
disinformation and propaganda abroad and at home. But, this fall
he created a new position: Deputy Undersecretary for Special
Plans. "Special plans" are deception operations that
control public information. So, basically these special plans
will do what the Office of Strategic Influence was to do under
a different guise.
We do that all the time: change the name
of something objectionable so the American people will think
the objectionable thing has gone away. But we really keep it
and repackage it under a new, obfuscated, sanitized name. Remember
the School of the Americas and the Department of War? Still here.
Same objectives. New names. (Corporations who have gotten bad
press do that, too. Lawsuit-ridden Philip Morris will soon be
the benign Altria Group, Inc.)
If you want a perk we haven't mentioned
just let us know and we'll get it for you by burying it deep
in the pages of a long-winded bill, like we just did for our
good friends at Eli Lilly & Co. We slid in some language
in the midst of a domestic security bill that Bush just signed
making Lilly all-but impervious to lawsuits regarding a preservative
in its vaccines that many claim causes autism. At first glance,
this clause may not seem to have a thing in the world to do with
national security. Just trust us.
The fact that Bush I sat on Lilly's board
in the 70's, and White House budget director, Mitchell Daniels,
is a former Lilly exec, and that Lilly contributes more to political
campaigns than any other pharmaceutical company, and this past
summer Bush appointed Sidney Taurel, Lilly's Chairman and CEO,
to the Homeland Security Advisory Council is, needless to say,
immaterial.
We also slid in additional perks for
other industry people, like the secrecy clauses that will make
it a lot harder for people to get information about the dangerous
chemicals that might be near their homes. We know congresspersons
don't often read through all the pages upon pages of all those
tiresome bills.
But, somebody caught the Lilly clause.
And currently nobody will claim ownership. Apparently, in America
we can pass laws without lawmakers completely reading them and
understanding their full consequences to the American people,
and without anybody having to take responsibility for them. (Another
perk.)
Soon the question of who authored and
inserted this clause will fade away like the lawsuit to obtain
documents about Cheney's energy task force and its meetings with
lobbyists and industry executives; outrage about corporate scandals;
urgency to find Osama bin Laden; concern about rebuilding Afghanistan;
and the memory of Bush's dubious military record. It's a good
thing the American people have a mercifully short memory. We
are getting away with things we could only imagine in our wildest
dreams just a couple of years ago. (A colossal perk.)
The US Government
Is an Equal Opportunity Employer.
Unless you are those translators we let
go. We are painfully short on people who can translate Middle
Eastern languages and we said we desperately, desperately need
them to help fight the war on terror. But they were, well...you
know...(g-a-y)...and we don't want to win our terror war THAT
bad.
And we also don't employ too many women
or people of color - except those high profile few we can keep
in our pockets like Condi and Colin and Katherine. (Yes, the
people elected Ms. Harris. But we recently named this freshman
congressperson Assistant Majority Whip because she was just an
absolute peach during the 2000 election in Florida.)
You also probably need not bother applying
if you aren't rich. Almost every one of our upper-level appointees
are multi-millionaires. And finally, all you thousands of people
we just canned from the federal jobs we are privatizing to help
out our industry friends absolutely need not apply. No exceptions.
If interested please send resume, organization
memberships, voting record, schools attended, all websites visited,
email content and address book, DVDs rented, medical history,
religious affiliation, CD purchases, book purchases, protest
and activist history, library transactions, grocery list, content
of questionable and not-so questionable telephone conversations,
ATM/banking transactions, travel history, and all credit card
transactions to...
...Never mind. We already have them.
Carol Norris
is a freelance writer and psychotherapist. She can be contacted
at writing4justice@planet-save.com.
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