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CounterPunch
January
28, 2003
Bombing Mr. Johnson
I'm
Losing My Patience With My Neighbors, Mr. Bush
By TERRY JONES
I'm really excited by George Bush's latest reason
for bombing Iraq: he's running out of patience. And so am I!
For some time now I've been really pissed
off with Mr Johnson, who lives a couple of doors down the street.
Well, him and Mr Patel, who runs the health food shop. They both
give me queer looks, and I'm sure Mr Johnson is planning something
nasty for me, but so far I haven't been able to discover what.
I've been round to his place a few times to see what he's up
to, but he's got everything well hidden. That's how devious he
is.
As for Mr Patel, don't ask me how I know,
I just know--from very good sources--that he is, in reality,
a Mass Murderer. I have leafleted the street telling them that
if we don't act first, he'll pick us off one by one.
Some of my neighbours say, if I've got
proof, why don't I go to the police? But that's simply ridiculous.
The police will say that they need evidence of a crime with which
to charge my neighbours.
They'll come up with endless red tape
and quibbling about the rights and wrongs of a pre-emptive strike
and all the while Mr Johnson will be finalising his plans to
do terrible things to me, while Mr Patel will be secretly murdering
people. Since I'm the only one in the street with a decent range
of automatic firearms, I reckon it's up to me to keep the peace.
But until recently that's been a little difficult. Now, however,
George W. Bush has made it clear that all I need to do is run
out of patience, and then I can wade in and do whatever I want!
And let's face it, Mr Bush's carefully
thought-out policy towards Iraq is the only way to bring about
international peace and security. The one certain way to stop
Muslim fundamentalist suicide bombers targeting the US or the
UK is to bomb a few Muslim countries that have never threatened
us.
That's why I want to blow up Mr Johnson's
garage and kill his wife and children. Strike first! That'll
teach him a lesson. Then he'll leave us in peace and stop peering
at me in that totally unacceptable way.
Mr Bush makes it clear that all he needs
to know before bombing Iraq is that Saddam is a really nasty
man and that he has weapons of mass destruction--even if no one
can find them. I'm certain I've just as much justification for
killing Mr Johnson's wife and children as Mr Bush has for bombing
Iraq.
Mr Bush's long-term aim is to make the
world a safer place by eliminating 'rogue states' and 'terrorism'.
It's such a clever long-term aim because how can you ever know
when you've achieved it? How will Mr Bush know when he's wiped
out all terrorists? When every single terrorist is dead? But
then a terrorist is only a terrorist once he's committed an act
of terror. What about would-be terrorists? These are the ones
you really want to eliminate, since most of the known terrorists,
being suicide bombers, have already eliminated themselves.
Perhaps Mr Bush needs to wipe out everyone
who could possibly be a future terrorist? Maybe he can't be sure
he's achieved his objective until every Muslim fundamentalist
is dead? But then some moderate Muslims might convert to fundamentalism.
Maybe the only really safe thing to do would be for Mr Bush to
eliminate all Muslims?
It's the same in my street. Mr Johnson
and Mr Patel are just the tip of the iceberg. There are dozens
of other people in the street who I don't like and who--quite
frankly--look at me in odd ways. No one will be really safe until
I've wiped them all out.
My wife says I might be going too far
but I tell her I'm simply using the same logic as the President
of the United States. That shuts her up.
Like Mr Bush, I've run out of patience,
and if that's a good enough reason for the President, it's good
enough for me. I'm going to give the whole street two weeks--no,
10 days--to come out in the open and hand over all aliens and
interplanetary hijackers, galactic outlaws and interstellar terrorist
masterminds, and if they don't hand them over nicely and say
'Thank you', I'm going to bomb the entire street to kingdom come.
It's just as sane as what George W. Bush
is proposing--and, in contrast to what he's intending, my policy
will destroy only one street.
Terry Jones
is a founding member of Monty Python.
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