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CounterPunch
December
21, 2002
Sir John Ashcroft
in the Court of George II
as reported by WILLIAM
HUGHES
London, England
Privy Council Chambers August 10,1776
"Today, in my capacity as Attorney
General of the British Realm, I am announcing an indictment,
under the provisions of the 'UK Patriot Act,' against 56 American
traitors. On July 4, in Philadelphia, in the Colony of Pennsylvania,
these vile men, meeting as a Congress, did issue, sign, and proclaim
a rebellious manifesto. They dared to title their damnable treason,
'A Declaration of Independence.' We know from our Loyalist informers
that a barrister from Virginia, one Thomas Jefferson, drafted
the document.
Ashcroft added, "We have come into
possession of papers, which indicate that these rebels were also
planning to establish, by way of a Constitution, something called,
a 'Republic.' The traitors, James Madison of Virginia and John
Adams of Massachusetts, are believed to be the prime suspects.
In addition, they were seeking to adopt a 'Bill of Rights.'"
"This is beyond contempt,"
screamed an irate Lord Jesse Helms.
"These blackguards," Ashcroft
said, "were aided and abetted by other criminal types in
the American Plantation. One of the leading co-conspirators,
who has just recently left the City of London, is the wily Benjamin
Franklin. He can go fly a kite as far as I am concerned."
'Hear! Hear!,' bellowed angry voices
from the gallery.
"I'm pleased to say," continued
Ashcroft, "that anyone who gives any 'material support'
to these vile extremists will face the full fury of the justice
of our young King George II, whom you all will remember from
his days in Bushville, as the Prince of Texaco and Duke of Enron."
"Long live the King," shouted
the haughty Press Barons of Fleet Street, Messrs. Murdock, Zuckerman,
Redstone, Suzberger and Black, from the official press box where
they sat with their lackeys, Rush Limbaugh, William O'Reilly
and Daniel Pipes.
"I have carefully prepared,"
Ashcroft emphasized, "a list of 'terrorist organizations'
in America, which presently includes, 'The Sons of Liberty,'
'The Daniel Morgan Sharp Shooters Club,' 'The Minute Men,' and
the 'Green Mountain Boys.' These organizations, along with any
local Militia groups, are hereby condemned as enemies of our
King."
"First," Ashcroft underscored,
"I want to say a special thanks for the guidance in this
matter from the learned members of the Parliament, such as Sir
Arlen Specter and Sir Charles Schumer. Now, we will be able to
try these pernicious defendants before a secret tribunal, in
our Star Chamber Court, using secret evidence.
Many of you may remember, also, how Lord
Specter was the Special Counsel in the Crown's Warren Commission
Inquiry into the assassination, by a lone madman, of the unfortunate
King John, back on Nov. 22, 1763, in Dallastowne. Lord Specter
came up with that brilliant "magic arrow" theory which
conclusively proved that there was only one villain at work in
that dirty business. As a result, that case was closed, although
some conspiracy nuts continue to this day to believe King John
was murdered in a plot devised by the New World Order. What rubbish!"
"Praise the Parliament, too, for
passing the 'Homeland Security Act,'" yelled Lord Joseph
Lieberman, the architect of that draconian scheme.
"With us today, also, are the two
co-sponsors of the 'UK Patriot Act,' both staunch advocates of
our Monarchy, Lord Trent Lott, the Duke of Hazards, and Lord
Thomas Lantos. I would like to also acknowledge the contribution
of the King's Chief Privy Councilor, Sir Richard Cheney, known
to you as the Earl of Halliburton and Viscount of Exxon.
"Sir Richard, although he has never
been in the military, has been placed in charge of crushing this
rebellion by our King. He will be aided by Paul Wolfowitz and
Richard Pearl. These three devoted patriots have been wrongly
branded as 'chicken hawks' by our enemies. After we deal with
America, we will smash these other subverters of our traditions."
'Hear! Hear,!" responded, in chorus,
the Privy Council members.
"To show our resolve, the King has
approved a 'Prevention of Terrorism Plan,' authored by Sir Ariel
Sharon, Viscount of Palestine. It calls, if needed, for the targeting
for assassination of known rebels, destruction of their homes,
torture of detainees, confiscation of their property and collective
punishment of any town not flying the Union Jack."
"Well, if they're on the terrorist
profile list, they must be guilty," screeched Lord Schumer.
"Then, there is no need for any trials."
After Ashcroft finished his remarks,
to standing applause, Lord Lieberman ran up to him, and breathlessly
asked, "Can I be appointed the Royal President for America
after we wipe out these rebels?"
"Consider it done my Lord,"
Ashcroft responded.
The proceeding were then closed.
An observer, who asked not to be identified
told me later, "This war could have been avoided. The common
welfare has been ignored. We're taking another people's rights
and liberty away today. Tomorrow, it could be our turn."
William Hughes
is the author of "Baltimore Iconoclast" (Writer's Showcase),
which is available online. He can be reached at liamhughes@mindspring.com.
(C) William Hughes 2002
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