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CounterPunch
November
9, 2002
No Blood for
Marijuana in Iraq!
by ADAM ENGEL
Man have I been stupid! Who knew that WINNING
the War Against Iraq would mean LOSING the War Against Drugs!
But now the weed's outta the bag, so to speak. Lemme 'splain:
I never bought that "No Blood for
Oil" placards those government agents wave around at peace
rallies or marching up and down like atavistic suffragettes in
front of City Hall. No. I knew all along this war with Iraq was
about good versus evil. No question about that. I just didn't
know how evil the evil we were facing was...
Anybody take a gander at a SUPER FAMOUS
MAINSTREAM NEWMAG last week? What's on the cover of that fine
journal of opinion (and cool pix)? You said it buddy: Marijuana.
Anybody rush through Port Authority in
Manhattan last week and glance at the newsstand for all of three
seconds, like I did, just long enough to read the cover of a
RELATIVELY FAMOUS MONTHLY NEWSMAG, where it's implied, in BIG
BLACK LETTERS that we, the people of the United States, must
face the inevitable burden of Iraq becoming the 51st STATE after
its ignominious military defeat?
Anybody put two and two together and
not come out with five?
Exactly. This whole business with Iraq
is about LEGALIZING MARIJUANNA! Man, I knew that Saddam was a
hustler, but I had no idea how deep his evil - oh, let's get
off this pee-cee sissy-talk for a minute and stop apostrophizing
or mentonymizing or whatever the hell you call it and tell it
like it is - the evil of the IRAQI PEOPLE, the sheer cunning
of this "PEOPLE" - really was!
At least half a million Iraqi children
have conveniently died, according to Madeleine Albright in 1996
(knowing the malice of these Iraqis, dying on our dime, the figure
has probably grown in leaps and bounds by now). What are these
brats croaking from? Cancer, leukemia and other such maladies.
Why? Cause of sanctions. Can't get chemotherapy. A nasty, but
often effective therapy that makes you wanna puke. And what,
according to some hippy liberal Doctors and do-gooders in California
and other axes of evil can make someone on said therapy not wanna
puke? Right again, buster: Marijuana!
It was so damn obvious, yet so subtle,
that not even the right honorable President of the United States,
a Yale graduate, could see through it. But there it is, plain
as the ghost of Cheney's face: Iraq wants to become the 51st
state and legalize Marijuana. God-damn those terrorist werewolves
praying on decent American-
"We have nothing against the people
of Iraq," my ass! We got a lot against 'em, if we just follow
the damn logic for once and read between the lines:
1. Many of these Iraqis, both young
and old, might possibly be in the process of dying from diseases
caused by depleted uranium and various toxins used by the U.S.
of A. while defending the fine City of Kuwait against Saddam's
aggression in '91. So now, after defying our mandated on-site
weapons searches for chemical-weapons or whatever, they're begging
us, the country with the finest medical care money can buy, for
"chemical assistance" in the form of chemotherapy.
2. This "chemotherapy" has
dual use capacity: keeps 'em alive and makes 'em wanna puke.
3. Smoking Marijuana, a known carcinogen
and god knows what all, makes 'em feel like not puking. In fact,
it might even make the little tykes hungry (at which point, of
course, they'll be begging for food; our food).
4. In order to make Iraq the 51st state,
we're gonna have to blast 'em into submission (doesn't have to
be that way; they want it that way to get us hooked on marijuana!).
We'll have to send our boys over (don't talk to me about no women
in our armed forces; only American woman who died in the War
of '91 was Meg Ryan, and she was FRAGGED) to shoot 'em and bomb
'em and spray 'em with more Depleted Uranium and more toxins
which will of course raise the cancer rate among children born
and unborn (hope you voted only Pro-Life candidates, by the way)
and you know what come next. Yup. More whining and crying for
chemotherapy, which leads directly to the abuse of marijuana!
Not only that, they'll be pushing our boys in uniform to shoot
marijuana, just like they did in Viet Nam, to get 'em hooked
on the stuff and turn 'em into hippie dope fiends who'll be about
as effective in a firefight as Alan Dershowitz and just as freaky!
5. Here's the Clincher: We have a benevolent
leader, god bless him, who believes in States Rights (especially
if you're in the right state of rightness in the right states
of Florida or Texas). If Iraq becomes the 51st state, and you
know that's what they're planning, they'll have the right to
vote like all the rest of us. Then, as everyone in the free world
knows, they can do anything they damn well please, including
- you guessed it - LEGALIZING MARIJUANA FOR MEDICINAL PURPOSES.
Now, I may be stupid, but I ain't dumb.
I know all that fancy legal-medical talk about glaucoma and chemo-therapy
and what not is just smoke screen for a particular, mind-altering
smoke to waft into the nostrils of every susceptible American
in its pungent path.
Iraq plans to become, via military conquest
(paid for by U.S. dollars) and statehood, the Marijuana capital
of the United States! The quarter million of our boys (and girls;
won't do no fighting, but I hear the fellas like to grope 'em
when native women ain't available) already there'll be shooting
up pot, listening to Schubert, munching couscous, sipping bitter
coffee at cut-rate prices (Conspiracy against Starbucks? Wouldn't
rule out anything). And they won't want to come home and get
regular jobs, or defend the Home Land from terrorists either.
Why? Well, Duh! Because, if Iraq becomes the 51st state, as U.S.
citizens, they WILL be home!
And there'll be worse to come. You thought
Frisco in '67 was a scene? Iraq, the 51st state, will become
the mother of all dope dens. We got several million John (and
Joanna) Walker Lint-Traps, full of crazy ideas they caught in
college, probably through computer viruses and such, just aching
to get over to Iraq in search of, not of Allah, but cheap, potent
ganja. We might lose yet another generation to sex, drugs and
- well, not Rock 'n Roll exactly; probably worse: that spooky
A-rab music you hear in the background of exotic porn videos.
Think I haven't done my research? Think
I can't cite verifiable sources? Well, I happen to have a genuine
Iraqi tied up right here in by basement (believe me it's not
hard; you can order just about anything over the Web these days;
of course, they sent me damaged goods: my Iraqi boy, Tariq, was,
or says he was, wounded in a preliminary bombing sortie last
month).
"Hey, Tariq."
"Yes sir. Please don't hit me sir.
I, the pain - it hurts so. Please!"
"Relax. I ain't gonna hit you again.
I just wanna ask you something. Do you or do you not want to
shoot marijuana for your 'pain,' so called.
"Marijuana? For this pain? No sir.
Not at all. Marijuana will do nothing for this pain. But if you
please, sir. Please. A doctor. He can legally prescribe. Something
for the pain. Please. How do you say in America, 'Percocet? Demerol?
Morphine?"
AH HAH!
Adam Engel
lives and writes in NYC. He can be reached at asengel@attglobal.net.
Yesterday's
Features
Bruce Jackson
Don't
Mourn, Bake!
Anthony Gancarski
Jeb
Bush: Left-Liberal?
William Evan
A Diplomatic
Strategy
How Carter and Castro Could Avert War on Iraq
William A. Cook
Blinded
by the Right
Pierre Tristam
Hypocrisy
at Camp Delta
Mayor Walid Hamad
Settlers
and Trash
Matt Siegfried
Questions
of War
Alexander Cockburn and
Jeffrey St. Clair
Nosedive:
the Democrats the Day After
New
Print Edition of CounterPunch Available Exclusively
to Subscribers:
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- Ashcroft's Gays: the War on Free Speech;
- Saddam's Amnesty: Could It Happen Here?
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