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February
7, 2002
Tariq
Ali
Mullahs
and Heretics
February
6, 2002
Amira
Hass
On
the Edge of the
Non-Violent Demonstrations
Vivian
Berger
Sentenced
to Rape
Vladimir Georgiyev
Russian Intelligence:
War on Iraq Begins in Sept.
Tom Turnipseed
"Axis
of Evil" a Cover for Corporate Corruption?
David
Vest
The
Enron Creature
February
5, 2002
Norman
Madarasz
Dispatch
from Pôrto Alegre
Tom Malinowski
What
to do with
Our "Detainees"?
Dita Sari
Why
I Rejected the
Reebok Human Rights Award
February
4, 2002
Eric Miller/Beth
Daley
Five
Weapons Systems
That Bilk the Taxpayers
Kenneth
Roth
Dear
Condoleezza,
You've Misstated the
Geneva Convention
Robert
Jensen
The
Occupation Must End
Shahid
Alam
How
Different Are
Islamic Societies?
David
Vest
Everybody
Says I Loathe You
John Chuckman
American
Politics of Grief
February
3, 2002
Zoltan
Grossman
War
and New Military Bases
February
2, 2002
Francis
Schor
Carlucci's
Strange Career
February
1, 2002
Dr. Susan
Block
The
Great Ashcroft Cover Up
Jeremy
Voas
Why
We're Suing Ashcroft
David
Vest
10
Things I Know About Him
January
31, 2002
Rahul
Mahajan
The
State of the Union:
A New Cold War
Dave Marsh
Miles
Copeland, War
and the Future of Music
John Pilger
The
Colder War
Alexander
Cockburn
American
Journal:
Killer Dog, Weird Couple
Dr. Susan
Block
Blowback
and Daniel Pearl
January
30, 2002
Jeffrey
St. Clair
Linda
Lay, Hill and Knowlton and the Tears of a Clown
Jack McCarthy
Free
Noelle Bush!
Michael
Ratner
Memo
to Bush: Adhere to
the Geneva Convention
Jay Moore
Proud
to be an American?
Susan
Block
The
Great Pretzel Swallower
and Guantanamo Porn
January
29, 2002
Gary Leupp
Why
This War Was, and Remains, Utterly Wrong
Alexander
Cockburn
The
Birds of Kandahar
Patrick
Cockburn
Afghan
Opium Trade
Back in Business
January
28, 2002
Larry
Chin
Brosnahan
for the Defense
Mokhiber/Weissman
Tyranny
of the Bottom Line
George
E. Curry
Civil
Rights Nominee Called Affirmative Action "Racist"
Sen. Russ
Feingold
Campaign
Finance Reform?
Think Enron
John Chuckman
Liberal?
Media?
January
27, 2002
Mokhiber
and Weissman
Enron's
Drip, Drip, Drip
Tom Turnipseed
MLK
Jr.'s Dream Perverted
January
26, 2002
Norman
Madarsz
Adieu,
Bourdieu
January
25, 2002
National
Lawyers Guild
Know
Your Rights
Alexander
Cockburn
You
Call This Terrorism?
CounterPunch
Wire
Cal
Energy Crisis Hoax:
It Wasn't A Shortage,
It Was a Shakedown
Tariq
Ali
Kashmir,
Klinghoffer,
the Kurds and Chomsky
Nadine
Strossen
Protecting
MLK Jr.'s Legacy:
Justice and Liberty After 9/11
January
24, 2002
Robert
Fisk
Turkey
Targets Chomsky
Dean Baker
Lying
on Top:
Ken Lay One of Many
David
Vest
Idiot
Wind
January
23, 2002
Terry
Waite
Guantanamo
Prisoners:
Justice or Revenge?
Molly
Secours
The
Case of Abu-Ali:
Racism and the Death Penalty
Robert
Jensen
Speak
Out, Get Slimed
A Photographic Journal of Life
in an Afghan Refugee Camp
By Judith Mann
Resources:
100s of Links
About 9/11
CounterPunch:
Complete
Coverage of 9/11 and Its Aftermath
Five
Days That
Shook The World:
Seattle and Beyond
By Alexander
Cockburn
and Jeffrey St. Clair
Photos by Allan Sekula
(Click Here to Order from CounterPunch
Online at 20% Off Amazon.com's price!)
INSIDE
EXCLUSIVE
TO
COUNTERPUNCH
SUBSCRIBERS
Published Oct. 15, 2001
8-Page Special Issue
War Diary
CIA's Assassination Plan a History of
Torture in US Prisons
bin Laden and Bush
Business Connections
Aisha Ikramuddin on the Hidden Hype
of US Food Bombs
Peter Linebaugh on
Pakistan
Christopher Hitchens' Love for Mrs. Thatcher
Jiang Zemin Tells Bush:
Nuke 'Em
Search
CounterPunch
Read Whiteout and Find Out
How the CIA's Backing of the Mujahideen Created the World's Most
Robust Heroin Market and Helped to Finance the Rise of the Taliban
and Osama bin Laden
Whiteout:
CIA, Drugs & the
Press
by Alexander
Cockburn
and Jeffrey St. Clair
The New Crusade:
America's War on Terrorism
By Rahul Mahajan
The Memphis Blues Again:
Six Decades of Memphis Music Photographs
Photos by Ernest Withers
Text by Daniel Wolff
The New Intifada:
Resisting Israel's Apartheid
Edited by Roane Carey
A Pocket Guide to
Environmental Bad Guys
by James Ridgeway
and Jeffrey St. Clair
The
Phoenix Program
by Douglas Valentine
Al Gore:
A User's Manual
by Cockburn
and St. Clair
Buy
This Explosive
New Book at an
Amazing Discount!
Reviews of Gore:
a User's Manual
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February 7,
2002
"Howdee,
Dick..."
The Call from Cheyenne Mountain
By John Chuckman
On the U.S. President's desk in the Oval Office,
a phone's red light urgently flashes. It's the signal for an
incoming call. Only calls from deep inside the vast command-center
redoubt known as Cheyenne Mountain come in on this line. Constructed
during the Cold War, this hollowed-out mountain contains a virtual
Pentagon satellite-city built to survive a hundred years behind
million-ton blast-proof doors.
The president gleefully picks up the
receiver. He just loves getting important calls.
"Howdee!"
"Mr. President, this is a secure
line, so we may speak freely."
"Dick, you old son of a gun, how's
it goin' out there, livin' under the mountain an' all? T'aint
getting' to ya none?"
"I'm just fine, Mr. President, don't
concern yourself. You know, I spent a lot of time as a congressman
with folks who live in abandoned missile silos and mine shafts.
"Anyway, compared to some of those
places, this is just damn luxurious. The mountain's totally climate-controlled,
and we have an artificial beach under sun lamps on the distilled-water
reservoir."
"A goddam climate-controlled mountain!
Jeez, Dick, I jus' gotta get on out there one of these days an'
see that."
"Good idea, Mr. President, uh, er,
of course, once the crisis is over."
"Crisis? Oh, y'all mean that there
Osama guy? Don't worry none 'bout him. He ain't goin' nowheres,
an', I'll tell ya, the only damn climate-control his damn mountains
got is two-thousand pound bombs re-arrangin' the lan'scape...(guffaw,
guffaw)"
"No, Mr. President, the crisis I'm
talking about is the next election. We have to get you through
that looking the part of commander-in-chief."
"Oh, I get your meanin', Dick. Well,
I'm a working on that, real hard. Ain't even thinkin' of another
month at the ranch. An' I'm doin' jus' what ya said for me to
do.
"After dinner, I come back here
an' jus' sit by the window for a while, wearin' my glasses, turnin'
pages on one them big reports. Once or twice, Laura comes in
with a cup of hot cocoa to keep me goin', an' puts her arm on
my shoulder jus' like ya showed us.
"Don dropped by on the way home
from the Pentagon t'other night an' checked me out. He said I
looked good, real presidenshul, in the window. He said the T.V.
guys'd be eatin' it up."
"Wonderful to hear, Mr. President.
Remember, nothing but liberal scum is going to vote against a
seated president in wartime. I'll keep the war going here. You
just keep sitting."
"Righto, Dick. Say, how they all
feedin' ya down there?"
"I've got to say, Mr. President,
the food could be better. It's freeze-dried rations. A lot of
my survivalist friends swear by them and eat nothing but. They're
okay for a couple of days."
"Dick, y'all want me to have some
nice big juicy steaks flown on up from the ranch?"
"No, thank you very much, Mr. President,
I'll stick to what the boys in uniform are having. Good mess-hall
photos, sets a fine example. Anyway, they went and sealed the
blast-proof doors, and it's a major operation getting them open
again. Nothing gets in or out of here with those damn doors sealed.
"Well, you know, Mr. President,
(chuckle, chuckle) it does have its advantages. They can't exactly
serve any subpoenas for Enron, now can they?"
The President enjoys a hearty laugh.
"Tarnation, that's right, Dick.
I almos' forgot about that shit, sittin' here by the window an'
all.
"Don't worry none, 'cause I jus'
keep tellin' 'em we got ya outta harm's way with all them damn
terrorists flyin' 'roun' the country. An' I tol' 'em how all
the head guys in them big oil companies never fly on the same
plane or even take the same elevator."
"Now, George, I mean Mr. President,
you're not saying anything off the script, are you? Especially
nothing about a certain company?"
"Oh, shucks, no, Dick, I know better'n
that."
"Good, Mr. President, just call
Ari to check on any little thing you're thinking of adding. He
can always pass it by Don. Mark my words, Mr. President, sticking
to the script's going to get us through this."
"Okay, Dick. So what else y'all
up to down there, you ol' rascal?"
"The officers have an underground
driving range and putting green, Mr. President, so the golf score
won't suffer too badly.
"We get satellite feed right from
the B-52s, so we're watching the boys give all those damn turban-heads
what they deserve. You can freeze the action, do re-plays, or
move in for close-ups."
"Anything else, you ol' rascal?
I know ya can't stick to serious stuff long."
"Well, Mr. President, we do have
a couple of those special channels, if you know what I mean?"
"Shucks, Dick, I know egzac'ly what
y'all mean. An' ya ain't got Lynne down there, sniffin' out your
trail.
"Mr. President, just between you
and me, that is the part that's just like a real vacation."
"I tell ya, Dick, she's havin' the
time a her life out here, scowlin' an' spoutin' them goddam librarian
pamphlets a hers at anyone that says things is less than hunky-dory!"
" 'Libertarian,' Mr. President,
they're 'libertarian pamphlets.' "
"Well, still, don't ya go worrin'
none 'bout what she's up to. She's doin' a hell of a job goin'
after them no-good fifth wheels!"
" 'Fifth columnists', Mr. President,
I think you mean 'fifth columnists.' "
"Shucks, Dick, I think I gotta go.
I jus' seen the docs pullin' up out front. I reckon they're a
comin' to change the bandage."
"Excellent, Mr. President, that
bandage locks-in the sympathy vote. America has already forgotten
all about your pretzel caper. Joe Six-pack never thought it was
anything unusual anyway. But just the sight of a wounded President
in time of war gives us an 80% floor-rating.
"Do you think you could ask them
to just put the new one on a little higher up? I noticed it's
not showing up on some of the news shots."
"Okay, Dick, what ya figure, 'bout
half an inch?"
"That'd be just about right, Mr.
President. And try not to spill any more gravy on it. That's
a real turn-off for some of the women."
"Gotchya, Dick. Be talkin' to ya
soon."
"Thank you, Mr. President."
John Chuckman, a columnist for YellowTimes, lives
near Lake Erie in Ontario. He encourages your comments: jchuckman@YellowTimes.ORG
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