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CounterPunch
December
20, 2002
The Bush Rape
Story
Is the Media Ignoring Zippergate 2?
by SEAN CARTER
There is a story floating around the Internet
that is being ignored by the mainstream press. Normally, this
would be a good thing because, le's face it, information from
the Internet is about as reliable as an airline's baggage handling
department. For instance, just last week, I received another
e-mail from someone claiming that Bill Gates would give me all
of his money if I forwarded the e-mail to ten friends.
Nevertheless, the story in question is
100% accurate. In fact, anyone with a computer and a modem can
verify the story by downloading court documents. However, the
accuracy of the story does not seem to be enough for the media.
Apparently, this story does not meet its threshold of "responsible
journalism."
Fortunately, if you've ever read my column,
then you know that I am neither professional nor a journalist.
Therefore, I will be happy to break the story for you.
President Bush is being accused of rape.
This allegation is part of a lawsuit filed by a Texas woman,
Margie Schoedinger. According
to the complaint filed on December 3rd in Fort Bend County, Texas,
the  President and his men are accused
of repeatedly kidnapping, drugging and raping Mrs. Schoedinger
and possibly her husband.
No, I am not making his up. To be honest,
I'm not nearly this creative. If I were, I'd be a novelist and
not a humorist.
According to the complaint, in the fall
of 2000, three unknown assailants attempted unsuccessfully to
kidnap Schoedinger. When she reported the crime to the Sugar
Land Police Department (remember, I'm not making this up), she
was harassed by the police. She was treated similarly by the
FBI. To make matters worse, her bank accounts were frozen, her
husband lost his job, her academic records were expunged and
she became the subject of 24-hour surveillance.
According to the complaint, this treatment
was orchestrated by none of than the President of the United
States. Schoedinger claims that Bush is attempting to pressure
her into committing suicide. Of course, you may be asking why
would the President do such a thing?
Well, according to the plaintiff, she
personally asked Bush the very same question. Bush allegedly
replied that he is concerned that Schoedinger may remember the
numerous and repeated acts of sexual assault he has committed
against her and her husband. His original plan was to simply
kill the plaintiff. But since he couldnt go through with it,
he decided to simply drive her crazy instead.
In her lawsuit, Schoedinger is asking
for $50 million for "emotional distress, loss of freedom
and ability to pursue Plaintiff's own dreams, alienation of affection
from Plaintiff's spouse, loss of privacy, being disparaged on
the Internet, and loss of Plaintiff's ability to be a Christian
writer."
Now, before you label me as a "crackpot"
(although I suspect it's probably too late for that), let me
just say that I am somewhat skeptical of the plaintiff's claims
in this case. For one, the thought of the President repeatedly
abducting a woman to sexual assault her and her husband strikes
me as far-fetched. After all, we are talking about President
George W. Bush not President Dennis Rodman.
The second clue that perhaps these allegations
are unfounded is the fact that the plaintiff filed the complaint
"pro se" or without the benefit of an attorney. In
America, there are approximately 1 million lawyers, 990,000 of
whom are desperately looking for work. The fact that Schoedinger
could not find even one lawyer to represent her in this matter
may something about the credibility of her claims.
Nevertheless, in my view, this does not
absolve the mainstream media from its responsibility to cover
the news. This lawsuit is not rumor or innuendo. It's a fact.
Sure, the allegations are ridiculous but perhaps no more so than
Trent Lott's claims that Strom Thurmond would have made a great
president. Yet, the media has had no trouble covering the Lott
story incessantly for the last two weeks.
Of course, some would argue that this
type of story unnecessarily sullies the President's reputation.
This is simply not true. Now, that you've read this story, do
you any less respect for the President?
In fact, if a story like this does anything,
it actually makes us more sympathetic towards the President.
For instance, in the past, I have made fun of Bush's almost daily
verbal gaffes. And, of course, I'll continue to do so in the
future. But I will feel bad about doing so from now on. After
all, if I had women accusing me of raping them and their husbands,
perhaps I'd suffer a few lapses in conjugation myself.
In short, the media should have reported
the filing of this lawsuit. The media should trust the American
people to be able to distinguish the truth from the lies. Now,
if you will excuse me, I need to answer this e-mail from an exiled
foreign minister in Zaire who is willing to give me $1 million
if I help him transfer money from his Swiss bank account.
Sean Carter
is a lawyer, comedian, public speaker and the author of "If
It Does Not Fit, Must You Acquit?-- Your Humorous Guide to the
Law". He can be reached at www.lawpsided.com.
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