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CounterPunch
January
8, 2003
The Presidential Application
By SEAN CARTER
Sen. John Edwards' announcement of his bid for
the presidency seems to have officially kicked off the 2004 presidential
race. Edwards joined Senator John Kerry and Vermont Governor
Howard Dean in the race for the White House. And by the end of
this month, several others are expected to join the fray, including
Gephardt, Daschle, Lieberman, Graham and possibly even the Reverend
Al Sharpton. In fact, the Democratic primary field will be as
tightly packed as one of Winona Ryder's shoplifting bags.
Moreover, perhaps its just me but isn't
it a little early to start applying for a job that won't become
available until January 2005? In my view, this is like applying
for grad school at the beginning of your junior year in college.
Shouldn't we wait a while to see what grades they make this year?
Speaking of applications, isn't it a
little strange that you have to fill out a  detailed
application to apply for college, medical school or even a job
at McDonald's but so little personal information is required
to run for President of the United States? Instead, we rely on
the candidates' candor, the media and former mistresses to tell
us what we need to know about the candidates.
As a result, we invariably get ourselves
into a position where we have to appoint Independent Counsel
to investigate a sitting President for misdeeds that we could
have easily discovered prior to the election. This proves disruptive
to the democratic process and more importantly, results in the
pre-emption of several episodes of CSI as the President explains
that he didn't know what the meaning of the word "is"
is.
This is just plain silly. Particularly
when you consider that the solution is to simply require the
candidate to fill out a detailed application like the one below:
1. Have any of the interns whom you slept
with either turned up missing or on a Barbara Walters special?
If so, were they at least cute?
2. Has your wife ever made $100,000 in
a few weeks trading options, cattle futures or Beanie Babies?
3. In your "reckless youth,"
did you ever use any form of narcotic or abuse alcohol? Please
answer this question truthfully even if you have since stopped
the behavior and passed it on to your twin daughters and niece.
4. Please list your chief campaign contributors
and the companies that will receive tax breaks and other special
treatment after your election.
5. Please list any past or current associates
whom you will pardon during your term.
6. Please provide a complete list of
your belongings and possessions. (We will use this list to check
against the items that you remove from the White House)
7. How much will you charge for overnight
stays in the Lincoln Bedroom? Will you accept senior citizen
discounts or frequent flyer miles?
8. How will you determine your running
mate?
a. I will let my daddy make that tough
decision for me.
b. I will choose someone so stupid that
no one will ever want to see me dead.
c. The job will go to the highest bidder.
9. Have you ever served in the military
(please note that the National Guard does not count)?
10. When you are eventually caught in
scandal, what will be your defense?
a. "I am not a crook!"
b. "I am the victim of a [left/right]-wing
conspiracy."
c. "The @#$% set me up!"
Now, this wouldn't be a complete list
of questions but just these ten questions could save us millions
in independent counsel fees alone.
Of course, some of you are probably wondering
how we make sure that the candidates give truthful answers. After
all, a politician's word is usually about as convincing as Sam
Donaldson's toupee.
One solution would be to make the candidates
sign their applications under penalty of perjury. On second thought,
perjury doesn't seem to be a serious threat for a politician.
Fortunately, it wouldn't matter if the
candidates were truthful because we would know if they were lying
anyway. For instance, if a candidate were to answer "NONE"
to Question 4 or 5, then we would know that he was lying.
The bottom line here is that the American
people have a right to know the character of the person whom
they will eventually learn to distrust.
Sean Carter
is a lawyer, comedian, public speaker and the author of If
It Does Not Fit, Must You Acquit? Your Humorous Guide to the
Law. He can be reached at www.lawpsided.com.
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