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The Flake’s Progress


There are so many dire things that Americans happily consent to, even proudly becoming integral components in solidifying  that consent, but certain lifestyle items are absolutely off limits, even by the degraded standards of the time. One of those areas would be traffic and the free movement of the automobile. You fuck with closing highway lanes for fun and malice then you’ve gone too far–it’s not like you started a war for no reason, this actually might affect someone.

Unlike most around me, I find the traffic jamming kind of magnificent. Yes. I get it, emergency vehicles got slowed down, and that is a shit thing, but bigger picture here. Could we get any better illustration of the venality present in– I would guess, oh just about every one of our feckless individuals termed leaders? It is no accident that those of this nature find their way to power. Didn’t you have someone in high school, someone always running for office that scared the shit out of you? Like if they really wielded any true power (other than lobbing for better vending machines and the responsibility of announcements in the morning)they would undoubtedly have created a Caligula-esque high school environment complete with leashes and costumes for all? That was probably a bad example, that’s kind of how I remember high school anyway. But you know what I’m trying to say……these are the same ones who migrated from the depths of high school depravity to the higher callings of adulthood, running for office.

The more ridiculous the offenses the better for the cause of those of us who don’t subscribe to the notion that these people should have any say over us. What better indication of their “lesser” status than these minor league lapses that break into comedy?

I celebrate and cheer the more absurd transgressions. It was a wonderful day when I found out that a Kansas Representative who was on one of those smarmy paid for junkets in Israel (this one sponsored by a tentacled lobbying group) opted to get in the rough and swim naked (and in front of families!) in the Sea of Galilee. He didn’t do it probably for the reasons I would. I would have sound political considerations and the desire to offend. He was just drunk, so good, too.

And though not an American, but truly an honorary American by girth, would be the mayor of Toronto. This piece of work smokes crack (but only when drunk), makes super creepy references to oral sex and also abducts children and puts penis tattoos on them (I’m pretty sure I read that somewhere). I think maybe he just escaped from the set of “The Trailer Park Boys” and that is okay. This guy sort of puts all the Americans to shame. I heard someone comment……it’s so funny! Canadians acting that way! Yes! I don’t think he’s the worst man in Toronto; I think he might be among the best. His guileless and honest portrayal of just what leadership is might be some of the finest work in recent years.

But what about those who go into it with honest leanings, those who are tempted along the way? Well, good intentions……I had those when I decided to get my father a unique birthday present last year. He is very proud of possible distant Native American lineage. Now when I look in the mirror I can find no evidence for any ancestry other than being spawned from a vampire’s underbelly (I’m saying I’m pale, sadly, I would love something else in the mix), but my dad……dunno, maybe.. and it sort of dwindled after him, perhaps. Anyway, I sort of hoped it was true. So I got him to spit in one of those test tubes kindly provided for $99 from the google co-founder’s ex’s company. Who is in FDA trouble now, it seems. But anyway, it came back that my father is 99.94 European, and also way more Neanderthal than most these days. I’m not kidding. Now my dad is old school in terms of the Neanderthal paradigm, pretty much the “Neanderthal and fire bad”, he hasn’t been open to the new thoughts that Neanderthals might have been smoking bohemians with flowers on graves and such. So, see. Good intentions. Now I have an octogenarian grieving because he is an Neanderthal. This is what happens to honest politicians.

But of course, the bulk of the politicians, and when referencing Christie and Ford…..well, lots of bulk (sorry, sorry……..I am terrible) do not have good intentions. They tell their constituents all sorts of lies, essentially, Rodeo-Chediski calling you a conflagration. But these tells, these giddy moments of clarity for these guys, like when they do weird self serving things–what better way to remind all that the system is inherently unnatural? These fools are the ones telling you what to do. I most definitely and breathlessly await news of the next low level scandal. Is it wrong to hope it involves jello, choir boys and hummus? Sorry, gave out too much information just then. Say, maybe there is a place for me on the ballot with thoughts such as that. So on that note, when you see me on the ballot….vote early and vote often.

Kathleen Wallace writes out of the US Midwest and can be reached at

Kathleen Wallace writes out of the US Midwest and can be reached at

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