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Ted Cruze: one packet of twelve aspirin, three Band-Aids, and four yards of clothesline.
Michelle Bachmann: King James Bible and mandatory Sunday school attendance.
Paul Ryan: $30.00 in food stamps per month for a family of four.
Eric Cantor: CVS coupons.
Rush Limbaugh: no money for contraception, but chastity belts.
Charles and David Koch: a glass of formaldehyde.
Rick Santorum: four weeks of conversion therapy.
Charles R. Larson is Professor of Literature at American University in Washington, D.C. Email: firstname.lastname@example.org.