FacebookTwitterGoogle+RedditEmail

NRA Weekly Press Releases

by CHARLES R. LARSON

Item:  Man dies at NRA-sponsored race at the Texas Motor Speedway, in Fort Worth, after shooting himself, following an argument with others.

Wayne LaPierre: “If all NASCAR fans at the event had carried guns, this death could have been avoided.  The NRA deplores suicide, but it is easily preventable if all people are armed.”

Item:  Lebanon, Tennessee.  Four-year-old girl kills wife of the town sheriff’s deputy, after picking up the deputy’s own personal gun and shooting his spouse.

Wayne LaPierre: “Children need to be trained how to use guns at an early age.  Some of our critics say that age should be sixteen.  But this incident demonstrates that gun safety can never begin too early in a child’s life.  Ideally, at the moment of conception.”

Item:  Lone Star Community College, Cypress, Texas.  Deranged man attacks fourteen people with a knife, attempting to kill them, though all are expected to survive.

Wayne LaPierre:  “As we have always argued, people will use many different methods to harm others.  If guns need restrictions placed on them, then so do knives—nail clippers, potato peelers, nutcrackers, nose hair trimmers.  Obviously, this is impossible.  Will newlyweds need to have background checks before they buy their first set of knives, forks, and spoons?”

Item:  Detroit man shoots and kills neighbor girl’s barking Chihuahua, complaining about the noise.  Say’s he couldn’t sleep.

Wayne LaPierre: “Most dogs that have been properly trained recognize the sound of a gun being cocked.  They perk up their ears.  Clearly, this dog failed obedience training.”

Item: Avalanche kills skier in Cascade Mountains, near Seattle.  Rescue was futile because man was trapped under fifteen feet of snow.

Wayne LaPierre: “This is where the NRA can lead the way.  If skiers carried assault rifles and extra magazines, all they’d need to do is shoot their way out of an avalanche or at least alert rescue teams where they are.”

In a related announcement, the NRA says that it is considering offering scholarships named for Adam Lanza, Seung-Hui Cho, and other recent mass shooters in order to call attention to the escalation of mental health issues in the United States.  LaPierre observed, “These people have done a genuine service by showing us just how sick Americans are.”

Charles R. Larson is Emeritus Professor of Literature at American University in Washington, D.C. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Charles R. Larson is Emeritus Professor of Literature at American University, in Washington, D.C. Email = clarson@american.edu. Twitter @LarsonChuck.

More articles by:

CounterPunch Magazine

minimag-edit

bernie-the-sandernistas-cover-344x550

zen economics

February 20, 2017
Bruce E. Levine
Humiliation Porn: Trump’s Gift to His Faithful…and Now the Blowback
Melvin Goodman
“Wag the Dog,” Revisited
Robert Hunziker
Fukushima: a Lurking Global Catastrophe?
David Smith-Ferri
Resistance and Resolve in Russia: Memorial HRC
Kenneth Surin
Global India?
Norman Pollack
Fascistization Crashing Down: Driving the Cleaver into Social Welfare
Patrick Cockburn
Trump v. the Media: a Fight to the Death
Susan Babbitt
Shooting Arrows at Heaven: Why is There Debate About Battle Imagery in Health?
Matt Peppe
New York Times Openly Promotes Formal Apartheid Regime By Israel
David Swanson
Understanding Robert E. Lee Supporters
Michael Brenner
The Narcissism of Donald Trump
Martin Billheimer
Capital of Pain
Thomas Knapp
Florida’s Shenanigans Make a Great Case for (Re-)Separation of Ballot and State
Jordan Flaherty
Best Films of 2016: Black Excellence Versus White Mediocrity
Weekend Edition
February 17, 2017
Friday - Sunday
David Price
Rogue Elephant Rising: The CIA as Kingslayer
Matthew Stevenson
Is Trump the Worst President Ever?
Jeffrey St. Clair
Roaming Charges: Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Flynn?
John Wight
Brexit and Trump: Why Right is Not the New Left
Diana Johnstone
France: Another Ghastly Presidential Election Campaign; the Deep State Rises to the Surface
Neve Gordon
Trump’s One-State Option
Roger Harris
Emperor Trump Has No Clothes: Time to Organize!
Joan Roelofs
What Else is Wrong with Globalization
Andrew Levine
Why Trump’s Muslim Travel Ban?
Mike Whitney
Blood in the Water: the Trump Revolution Ends in a Whimper
Vijay Prashad
Trump, Turmoil and Resistance
Ron Jacobs
U.S. Imperial War Personified
David Swanson
Can the Climate Survive Adherence to War and Partisanship?
Andre Vltchek
Governor of Jakarta: Get Re-elected or Die!
Patrick Cockburn
The Coming Destruction of Mosul
Norman Pollack
Self-Devouring Reaction: Governmental Impasse
Steve Horn
What Do a Louisiana Pipeline Explosion and Dakota Access Pipeline Have in Common? Phillips 66
Brian Saady
Why Corporations are Too Big to Jail in the Drug War
Graham Peebles
Ethiopia: Peaceful Protest to Armed Uprising
Luke Meyer
The Case of Tony: Inside a Lifer Hearing
Binoy Kampmark
Adolf, The Donald and History
Robert Koehler
The Great American Awakening
Murray Dobbin
Canadians at Odds With Their Government on Israel
Fariborz Saremi
A Whole New World?
Joyce Nelson
Japan’s Abe, Trump & Illegal Leaks
Christopher Brauchli
Trump 1, Tillerson 0
Yves Engler
Is This Hate Speech?
Dan Bacher
Trump Administration Exempts Three CA Oil Fields From Water Protection Rule at Jerry Brown’s Request
Richard Klin
Solid Gold
Melissa Garriga
Anti-Abortion and Anti-Fascist Movements: More in Common Than Meets the Eye
Thomas Knapp
The Absurd Consequences of a “Right to Privacy”
FacebookTwitterGoogle+RedditEmail