FacebookTwitterGoogle+RedditEmail

NRA Weekly Press Releases

by CHARLES R. LARSON

Item:  Man dies at NRA-sponsored race at the Texas Motor Speedway, in Fort Worth, after shooting himself, following an argument with others.

Wayne LaPierre: “If all NASCAR fans at the event had carried guns, this death could have been avoided.  The NRA deplores suicide, but it is easily preventable if all people are armed.”

Item:  Lebanon, Tennessee.  Four-year-old girl kills wife of the town sheriff’s deputy, after picking up the deputy’s own personal gun and shooting his spouse.

Wayne LaPierre: “Children need to be trained how to use guns at an early age.  Some of our critics say that age should be sixteen.  But this incident demonstrates that gun safety can never begin too early in a child’s life.  Ideally, at the moment of conception.”

Item:  Lone Star Community College, Cypress, Texas.  Deranged man attacks fourteen people with a knife, attempting to kill them, though all are expected to survive.

Wayne LaPierre:  “As we have always argued, people will use many different methods to harm others.  If guns need restrictions placed on them, then so do knives—nail clippers, potato peelers, nutcrackers, nose hair trimmers.  Obviously, this is impossible.  Will newlyweds need to have background checks before they buy their first set of knives, forks, and spoons?”

Item:  Detroit man shoots and kills neighbor girl’s barking Chihuahua, complaining about the noise.  Say’s he couldn’t sleep.

Wayne LaPierre: “Most dogs that have been properly trained recognize the sound of a gun being cocked.  They perk up their ears.  Clearly, this dog failed obedience training.”

Item: Avalanche kills skier in Cascade Mountains, near Seattle.  Rescue was futile because man was trapped under fifteen feet of snow.

Wayne LaPierre: “This is where the NRA can lead the way.  If skiers carried assault rifles and extra magazines, all they’d need to do is shoot their way out of an avalanche or at least alert rescue teams where they are.”

In a related announcement, the NRA says that it is considering offering scholarships named for Adam Lanza, Seung-Hui Cho, and other recent mass shooters in order to call attention to the escalation of mental health issues in the United States.  LaPierre observed, “These people have done a genuine service by showing us just how sick Americans are.”

Charles R. Larson is Emeritus Professor of Literature at American University in Washington, D.C. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Charles R. Larson is Emeritus Professor of Literature at American University, in Washington, D.C. Email = clarson@american.edu. Twitter @LarsonChuck.

More articles by:

CounterPunch Magazine

minimag-edit

bernie-the-sandernistas-cover-344x550

zen economics

December 08, 2016
John W. Whitehead
Power to the People: John Lennon’s Legacy Lives On
Mike Whitney
Rolling Back the Empire: Washington’s Proxy-Army Faces Decisive Defeat in Aleppo
Ellen Brown
“We’ll Look at Everything:” More Thoughts on Trump’s $1 Trillion Infrastructure Plan
John Stauber
The Rise and Fall of Obamacare: Will the Inside Story Ever be Told?
Ted Rall
Ameri-Splaining
Michael J. Sainato
Mainstream Media Continues Absolving Itself From Clinton, Trump Election Failures
Ralph Nader – Mark Green
Divest or Face Impeachment: an Open Letter to Donald Trump
Gareth Porter
US Airstrikes on Syrian Troops: Report Data Undermine Claim of “Mistake”
Martha Burke
What Trumponomics Means for Women
Ramzy Baroud
Fatah, Hold Your Applause: Palestinian Body Politic Rotten to the Core
Steve Horn
Jeff Sessions, Trump’s Attorney General Pick, Introduced First Bill Exempting Fracking from Drinking Water Rules
Joe Ware
The Big Shift: Why Banks Need to Stop Investing Our Money Into Fossil Fuels
Juliana Barnet
On the Ground at Standing Rock
Franklin Lamb
Aleppo Update: An Inspiring Return to the Bombed Out National Museum
Steve Kelly
Hidden Harmony: on the Perfection of Forests
December 07, 2016
Michael Schwalbe
What We Talk About When We Talk About Class
Karl Grossman
The Next Frontier: Trump and Space Weapons
Kenneth Surin
On Being Caught Speeding in Rural America
Chris Floyd
In Like Flynn: Blowback for Filth-Peddling Fascists
Serge Halimi
Trump, the Know-Nothing Victor
Paul DeRienzo
Flynn Flam: Neocon Ex-General to Be Trump’s National Security Advisor
Binoy Kampmark
Troubled Waters: Trump, Taiwan and Beijing
Tom Clifford
Trump and China: a Note From Beijing
Arnold August
Fidel’s Legacy to the World on Theory and Practice
Dave Lindorff
Is Trump’s Idea To Fix a ‘Rigged System’ by Appointing Crooks Who’ve Played It?
John Kirk
Cuba After Fidel
Jess Guh
Repeal of Affordable Care Act is Politics Playing with the Wellbeing of Americans
Eric Sommer
Team Trump: a Government of Generals and Billionaires
Lawrence Davidson
U.S. Reactions to the Death of Fidel Castro
John Garvey - Noel Ignatiev
Abolitionism: a Study Guide
Clancy Sigal
Caution: Conspiracy Theory Ahead!
December 06, 2016
Anthony DiMaggio
Post-Fact Politics: Reviewing the History of Fake News and Propaganda
Richard Moser
Standing Rock: Challenge to the Establishment, School for the Social Movements
Behrooz Ghamari Tabrizi
Warmongering 99 – Common Sense 0: the Senate’s Unanimous Renewal of Iran Sanctions Act
Norman Solomon
Media Complicity is Key to Blacklisting Websites
Michael J. Sainato
Elizabeth Warren’s Shameful Exploitation of Standing Rock Victory
David Rosen
State Power and Terror: From Wounded Knee to Standing Rock
Kim Ives
Deconstructing Another Right-Wing Victory in Haiti
Nile Bowie
South Korea’s Presidency On A Knife-Edge
Mateo Pimentel
Some Notes and a Song for Standing Rock
CJ Hopkins
Manufacturing Normality
Bill Fletcher Jr – Bob Wing
Fighting Back Against the White Revolt of 2016
Peter Lee
Is America Ready for a War on White Privilege?
Pepe Escobar
The Rules of the (Trump) Game
W. T. Whitney
No Peace Yet in Colombia Despite War’s End
FacebookTwitterGoogle+RedditEmail