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Ted Stevens, Alaska's Incredible Hulk

Paying Homage to the Ghost of Uncle Ted

by DANIEL CHURCH

Another exciting and productive romp is underway in the Alaska Legislature as our chosen lords decide on a slew of important topics including (but not limited to): homosexuality in the Boyscouts, exempting ‘rape and incest’ as a ‘medically authorized’ status for abortion, and presenting gifts to our petrol masters. Have our chosen deities forgotten what is truly important in Alaskan politics? I’m more than a smidgeon disappointed there are not more bills honoring are fallen dwarfish hulk of a hero: Ted Stevens. Former Senator Stevens was a man that exemplified Alaska to the very core. In him we had our pork-barrel champion who criticized the ineffective federal government, but never failed to suck off the large voluptuous teat of lady liberty.

It’s distressing to know that the only measures taken to honor ‘Uncle Ted’ are: The Ted Stevens International Airport, two official state recognized Ted Stevens appreciation days, and Mount Stevens. I think it’s safe to say that our chosen legislators have been squandering their time in the capitol city as they sit behind their walled moat of ocean, keeping the peasants at bay. It’s time for the cadre of self-important masters like Rep. Carl Gatto (who previously tried to introduce a helpful bill outlawing Sharia Law) to take a moment and realize they have failed to worship our fallen god in proper monotheistic form. While keeping tawdry rape victims away from free abortions is a commendable cause, it should never come second to worshipping Uncle Ted: free-thinker, athlete, and renegade who ultimately stuck it to the over-zealous justice department. After all, how dare they go after a man, simply because he might have possibly amassed a fortune of millions from special interest connections in his never-ending tenure in the Senate? This is America, where politicians have the right to garnish money from special interests. It’s only fair that our lords are properly compensated from the laborious task of working for the unappreciative rabble.

I think one of the first steps the legislature can take this year to further honor our fallen Santa Claus of federal goodies, is to erect a gargantuan 70 foot monument made entirely of Styrofoam cups in the heart of the Tongass National Forest. Is there a more fitting way to honor our fallen gnomish deity, who once had the gumption to advocate for the destruction of 2,400,000 acres of old-growth forest? Sure, there are likely to be criticisms to be heard of this proposal from the legions of Subaru Outback Warriors that clutter the 49th state. Their opinions are never to be taken seriously, as they change with each prospective Phish tour. Let these neo-hippy demons rot away in their cold, and uncomely ‘dry cabins’ as they babble about ‘climate change’ and other non-issues. A glorious white monument erected in the heart of old-growth forest will be symbolic of the champion Uncle Ted was.

There is much to be said about the debate over the “Pledge of Allegiance”, as legions of blood-sucking atheists try to exempt their children from the important state prayer every morning. While I, like many other patriotic Americans view it as a supreme duty to proudly display our dedication to God and Country, I believe it’s time we provide a uniquely Alaskan twist to this morning exercise. I think it’s very much prudent that each Alaskan child bow on their knees, interlocking their hands together in devotion, and pray to the ghost of Ted Stevens before each morning lesson in social studies. This Alaskan lord served a courageous 40 years in the senate, among other senators who were mere trilobites and plebeians in comparison.

It might also be prudent for all history books, articles, and communiques on the late Ted Stevens to undergo a rigorous scrutiny by elected officials to make sure no defamatory material is available in the Last Frontier on the deceased champion. Any references to ‘pork barrel spending’,  ‘Girdwood’, ‘VECO’, ‘fisheries’, ‘bridge to nowhere’, and ‘political corruption’ must be blue-penciled at once. Criticizing Uncle Ted is a blasphemous exercise, only equivalent to critiquing a founding forefather.

Let’s not forget, ‘The Incredible Hulk of Alaska’ ultimately had his indictment dismissed because of prosecutorial misconduct. This means that Uncle Ted obviously lived a commendable, virtuous existence and never was tainted by the crimson brush of corruption. Even if he was a ‘crook’ as many yellow-bellied journalists have implied, he was ‘our crook’ and cute little fiery man in Washington. Let’s continue to honor the legacy of the ‘Alaskan of the Century’, because issues like the failing public school system, impoverished residents trying to find ways to stay alive and warm during the winter, and the highest air pollution levels in the nation (Fairbanks and North Pole) are merely distractions from honoring the ghost of Ted Stevens.

Daniel Church is an activist writer residing in Fairbanks, Alaska and can be reached at lfsdan@hotmail.com