FacebookTwitterGoogle+RedditEmail

Paying Homage to the Ghost of Uncle Ted

by DANIEL CHURCH

Another exciting and productive romp is underway in the Alaska Legislature as our chosen lords decide on a slew of important topics including (but not limited to): homosexuality in the Boyscouts, exempting ‘rape and incest’ as a ‘medically authorized’ status for abortion, and presenting gifts to our petrol masters. Have our chosen deities forgotten what is truly important in Alaskan politics? I’m more than a smidgeon disappointed there are not more bills honoring are fallen dwarfish hulk of a hero: Ted Stevens. Former Senator Stevens was a man that exemplified Alaska to the very core. In him we had our pork-barrel champion who criticized the ineffective federal government, but never failed to suck off the large voluptuous teat of lady liberty.

It’s distressing to know that the only measures taken to honor ‘Uncle Ted’ are: The Ted Stevens International Airport, two official state recognized Ted Stevens appreciation days, and Mount Stevens. I think it’s safe to say that our chosen legislators have been squandering their time in the capitol city as they sit behind their walled moat of ocean, keeping the peasants at bay. It’s time for the cadre of self-important masters like Rep. Carl Gatto (who previously tried to introduce a helpful bill outlawing Sharia Law) to take a moment and realize they have failed to worship our fallen god in proper monotheistic form. While keeping tawdry rape victims away from free abortions is a commendable cause, it should never come second to worshipping Uncle Ted: free-thinker, athlete, and renegade who ultimately stuck it to the over-zealous justice department. After all, how dare they go after a man, simply because he might have possibly amassed a fortune of millions from special interest connections in his never-ending tenure in the Senate? This is America, where politicians have the right to garnish money from special interests. It’s only fair that our lords are properly compensated from the laborious task of working for the unappreciative rabble.

I think one of the first steps the legislature can take this year to further honor our fallen Santa Claus of federal goodies, is to erect a gargantuan 70 foot monument made entirely of Styrofoam cups in the heart of the Tongass National Forest. Is there a more fitting way to honor our fallen gnomish deity, who once had the gumption to advocate for the destruction of 2,400,000 acres of old-growth forest? Sure, there are likely to be criticisms to be heard of this proposal from the legions of Subaru Outback Warriors that clutter the 49th state. Their opinions are never to be taken seriously, as they change with each prospective Phish tour. Let these neo-hippy demons rot away in their cold, and uncomely ‘dry cabins’ as they babble about ‘climate change’ and other non-issues. A glorious white monument erected in the heart of old-growth forest will be symbolic of the champion Uncle Ted was.

There is much to be said about the debate over the “Pledge of Allegiance”, as legions of blood-sucking atheists try to exempt their children from the important state prayer every morning. While I, like many other patriotic Americans view it as a supreme duty to proudly display our dedication to God and Country, I believe it’s time we provide a uniquely Alaskan twist to this morning exercise. I think it’s very much prudent that each Alaskan child bow on their knees, interlocking their hands together in devotion, and pray to the ghost of Ted Stevens before each morning lesson in social studies. This Alaskan lord served a courageous 40 years in the senate, among other senators who were mere trilobites and plebeians in comparison.

It might also be prudent for all history books, articles, and communiques on the late Ted Stevens to undergo a rigorous scrutiny by elected officials to make sure no defamatory material is available in the Last Frontier on the deceased champion. Any references to ‘pork barrel spending’,  ‘Girdwood’, ‘VECO’, ‘fisheries’, ‘bridge to nowhere’, and ‘political corruption’ must be blue-penciled at once. Criticizing Uncle Ted is a blasphemous exercise, only equivalent to critiquing a founding forefather.

Let’s not forget, ‘The Incredible Hulk of Alaska’ ultimately had his indictment dismissed because of prosecutorial misconduct. This means that Uncle Ted obviously lived a commendable, virtuous existence and never was tainted by the crimson brush of corruption. Even if he was a ‘crook’ as many yellow-bellied journalists have implied, he was ‘our crook’ and cute little fiery man in Washington. Let’s continue to honor the legacy of the ‘Alaskan of the Century’, because issues like the failing public school system, impoverished residents trying to find ways to stay alive and warm during the winter, and the highest air pollution levels in the nation (Fairbanks and North Pole) are merely distractions from honoring the ghost of Ted Stevens.

Daniel Church is an activist writer residing in Fairbanks, Alaska and can be reached at lfsdan@hotmail.com

More articles by:
June 29, 2016
Diana Johnstone
European Unification Divides Europeans: How Forcing People Together Tears Them Apart
Andrew Smolski
To My Less-Evilism Haters: A Rejoinder to Halle and Chomsky
Jeffrey St. Clair
Noam Chomsky, John Halle and a Confederacy of Lampreys: a Note on Lesser Evil Voting
David Rosen
Birth-Control Wars: Two Centuries of Struggle
Sheldon Richman
Brexit: What Kind of Dependence Now?
Yves Engler
“Canadian” Corporate Capitalism
Lawrence Davidson
Return to the Gilded Age: Paul Ryan’s Deregulated Dystopia
Priti Gulati Cox
All That Glitters is Feardom: Whatever Happens, Don’t Blame Jill Stein
Franklin Lamb
About the Accusation that Syrian and Russian Troops are Looting Palmyra
Binoy Kampmark
Texas, Abortion and the US Supreme Court
Anhvinh Doanvo
Justice Thomas’s Abortion Dissent Tolerates Discrimination
Victor Grossman
Brexit Pro and Con: the View From Germany
Manuel E. Yepe
Brazil: the Southern Giant Will Have to Fight
Rivera Sun
The Nonviolent History of American Independence
Adjoa Agyeiwaa
Is Western Aid Destroying Nigeria’s Future?
Jesse Jackson
What Clinton Should Learn From Brexit
Mel Gurtov
Is Brexit the End of the World?
June 28, 2016
Jonathan Cook
The Neoliberal Prison: Brexit Hysteria and the Liberal Mind
Paul Street
Bernie, Bakken, and Electoral Delusion: Letting Rich Guys Ruin Iowa and the World
Anthony DiMaggio
Fatally Flawed: the Bi-Partisan Travesty of American Health Care Reform
Mike King
The “Free State of Jones” in Trump’s America: Freedom Beyond White Imagination
Antonis Vradis
Stop Shedding Tears for the EU Monster: Brexit, the View From the Peloponnese
Omar Kassem
The End of the Atlantic Project: Slamming the Brakes on the Neoliberal Order
Binoy Kampmark
Brexit and the Neoliberal Revolt Against Jeremy Corbyn
Doug Johnson Hatlem
Alabama Democratic Primary Proves New York Times’ Nate Cohn Wrong about Exit Polling
Ruth Hopkins
Save Bear Butte: Mecca of the Lakota
Celestino Gusmao
Time to End Impunity for Suharto’’s Crimes in Indonesia and Timor-Leste
Thomas Knapp
SCOTUS: Amply Serving Law Enforcement’s Interests versus Society’s
Manuel E. Yepe
Capitalism is the Opposite of Democracy
Winslow Myers
Up Against the Wall
Chris Ernesto
Bernie’s “Political Revolution” = Vote for Clinton and the Neocons
Stephanie Van Hook
The Time for Silence is Over
Ajamu Nangwaya
Toronto’s Bathhouse Raids: Racialized, Queer Solidarity and Police Violence
June 27, 2016
Robin Hahnel
Brexit: Establishment Freak Out
James Bradley
Omar’s Motive
Gregory Wilpert – Michael Hudson
How Western Military Interventions Shaped the Brexit Vote
Leonard Peltier
41 Years Since Jumping Bull (But 500 Years of Trauma)
Rev. William Alberts
Orlando: the Latest Victim of Radicalizing American Imperialism
Patrick Cockburn
Brexiteers Have Much in Common With Arab Spring Protesters
Franklin Lamb
How 100 Syrians, 200 Russians and 11 Dogs Out-Witted ISIS and Saved Palmyra
John Grant
Omar Mateen: The Answers are All Around Us
Dean Baker
In the Wake of Brexit Will the EU Finally Turn Away From Austerity?
Ralph Nader
The IRS and the Self-Minimization of Congressman Jason Chaffetz
Johan Galtung
Goodbye UK, Goodbye Great Britain: What Next?
Martha Pskowski
Detained in Dilley: Deportation and Asylum in Texas
FacebookTwitterGoogle+RedditEmail