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Save the Billionaires


Frantically, we storm the halls of power, indignant and terrified. These socialistic cretins, most of whom we installed in power in the first place, seem to be flirting with the idea of raising taxes upon our hard-won entrepreneurial accomplishments, the good works that Jesus smiles upon on his throne beside Ayn Rand.

In America people of the better classes are taxed at monstrously unfair rates, approaching 15% of income! Even the heroic presidential candidate Mitt Romney was coerced into paying a full 13.9% in 2010!

How can one seriously finance sweatshops in Malaysia while the rapacious Uncle Sam rips the lifeblood from our accounts before we can stow it away in offshore shelters? Where is our shelter from this storm of the century? This perfect storm of the slave classes refusing to just die off under our highly-rational austerity regimen?

It’s the Kenyan’s fault!

Now I’m not a racist, but never trust a dark-skinned lackey who takes billions in a quid pro quo arrangement to win the office, and then refuses to take orders like a sniveling, sold-out bootlicker is expected to do. Rest assured, the better classes don’t get mad. We get even.

We had this system wrapped up in gold leaf, tied crisply in a Christmas bow, and we shall have it again my friends. The demise of Romney brought tears falling down onto many a cigar, but rejoice my brethren, we can hire another hollow-shell meat puppet in the next round.

Perhaps it’s time for an android candidate, as has been foretold. Make him a sports legend, a pop star, a movie leading man, a family man, a Mormon Bishop – no scratch that – but some slight resemblance to white anglo-Jesus is a definite plus. What if the new Jesus was a Navy Seal baby-saving bodybuilder computer genius who invented the bestest new phone thingy to tap on? The drooling masses would cut off their first born’s right arms to install our android in the oval office, no? He should talk tough, but have baby eyes. Wear a gun, but only blast terrorists. Maybe his presidential campaign can be a reality show set in the middle east where Jesus Smith hunts down Al Qaeda personally, executing America’s enemies unflinchingly while kissing babies and feeding the poor as he bivouacs from forward operating base to base? I’ll have my people register the fan club domain name.

Jesus Smith should write a book: American Exceptionalism, the Religion. For this is essentially a religious question, as the filthy masses attempt to raise our taxes by a couple of percentage points. Can you imagine the devastation this will work on our portfolios? If only the fiscal cliff were a real cliff, and we could simply bulldoze the poor over the side. What sort of a society is this?

Across America, the disgusting elderly and disabled take and take from us, and it has to end. Recklessly sucking up their Social Security checks, which they supposedly paid into their entire working lives, to squander on housing and food, electricity and numerous medications! It is simply outrageous the amounts of money, in the aggregate, that these classes take for themselves, when our class could do so much more with the funds. Is there an elite economist who disagrees? It’s madness, surely. We cannot despise them for their longevity. But we do, of course. They should just know when to exit the stage, like any b rate actor, for God’s sake.

Should taxes rise one single, solitary penny, it will be the Apocalypse, true Armageddon. Despite our wealth exploding relative to the mob, our near vertical growth on the charts of glory, any attempt whatsoever to tamper down our success is an affront to God. Did not the Son of God, Himself, say, “Render unto Caesar what is Caesars?”

Well we’re Caesar! Get it through your blockheads. We are Caesar. It’s ours. We don’t share. We don’t play fair. We don’t care. How much do we want? All of it. How much is enough? There is no number high enough. Society is built around the idea of infinite wealth for us, no matter what that means to the rest of the planet. If you challenge this idea, you will be destroyed one way or another.

We prefer to destroy by passing legislation. It creates less blowback. But we’ll move to the armed clampdown and military option if need be. Our class simply has tasted too much power and wealth to look back now. We’ve flown too close to the sun, and things can only get hotter.

Forget your anachronistic devotion to outdated concepts like “Democracy” and “Freedom.” Those were never meant to be taken seriously. Those are simply the buzzwords we tell your children to get them to shut the fuck up. Your Democracy is to install our android. Your Freedom is to report to work Monday morning and take orders without uttering one God damned syllable that we might find objectionable. We’ve been investing deeply in prison labor as well, and that’s starting to look like a high growth industry. Lots of upside, and very little risk. Laws get passed, not repealed. Do the math.

And remember Jesus saves. Sounds like a good campaign slogan.

Joe Giambrone is a filmmaker and author of Hell of a Deal: A Supernatural Satire. He edits The Political Film Blog, which welcomes submissions. polfilmblog at gmail.

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