FacebookTwitterGoogle+RedditEmail

Goodies for the Unmentionables

by CHARLES R. LARSON

In a conference call with his donors, defeated Republican candidate Mitt Romney was heard saying that his opponent, Barack Obama, was observed the weekend before the election playing Santa Claus, “giving gifts to the 47 per centers.”

“He spent the entire weekend handing out gifts to the free-loaders in this country who don’t work—have no work ethic—and expect nothing but hand-outs from their government.  I swore never to do anything so despicable if elected President of this great country, but Obama not only reinforced these ne’er-do-wells by giving them gifts but, in the process, caught us totally off guard.  I would have won the election had it not been for these gifts.”

Sheldon Adelson interrupted Romney and reminded Romney that the President is black, asking “Wouldn’t it be rather difficult for him to look like Santa Claus?”

Romney replied, “Well, he did it in white face, and that’s no surprise since he’s always trying to be one of us.  But even a black-faced Santa Claus would have no difficulty being accepted by some of our greedy minorities.”

Romney continued after David Koch asked him to identify the specific gifts.  Koch added, “We need to know exactly what these gifts are in order to corner the market on them before the next election.”

Romney responded.  “Well, we can see what they are, because we’ve captured it on video.  In African-American communities, it’s mostly chitlins and pig’s feet, sometimes with collard greens and corn bread thrown in.

“But it Latino areas, it’s tortillas and tamales—and lots of sopaipillas, but sometimes it’s tortillas presses, for the woman, and tequila for the men, the voters he most wants to bribe.”

“What about the young people who voted for him?”  The identity of the questioner is not clear.

“Well, this is the worst thing of all.  It’s regrettably about sex.  So it’s birth control pills for the girls and prophylactics for the boys, and sometimes other sex toys.”

Someone else asks him, “What about all the women voters?”

“That’s what’s so surprising here,” Romney responds.  “We can’t find any image on that tape showing Obama playing Santa Claus with adult white women.  There’s obviously a reason why they voted for him, but so far we haven’t be able to figure that out.”

Adelson asks another question.  “Isn’t this rather preposterous, Mitt?  How does one person hand out so much stuff the weekend before the election?”

“How does Santa Claus deliver gifts to every child in the world the night before Christmas?”

An audible groan is heard from one of Romney’s donors, who mutters, “So that’s where our higher taxes will go—more goodies for these unmentionables.”

Charles R. Larson is Emeritus Professor of Literature at American University, in Washington, D.C.  Email: clarson@american.edu.

Charles R. Larson is Emeritus Professor of Literature at American University, in Washington, D.C. Email = clarson@american.edu. Twitter @LarsonChuck.

February 09, 2016
Andrew Levine
Hillary Says the Darndest Things
Paul Street
Kill King Capital
Ben Burgis
Lesser Evil Voting and Hillary Clinton’s War on the Poor
Paul Craig Roberts
Are the Payroll Jobs Reports Merely Propaganda Statements?
Fran Quigley
How Corporations Killed Medicine
Ted Rall
How Bernie Can Pay for His Agenda: Slash the Military
Neve Gordon
Israeli Labor Party Adopts the Apartheid Mantra
Kristin Kolb
The “Great” Bear Rainforest Agreement? A Love Affair, Deferred
Joseph Natoli
Politics and Techno-Consciousness
Hrishikesh Joshi
Selective Attention to Diversity: the Case of Cruz and Rubio
Stavros Mavroudeas
Why Syriza is Sinking in Greece
David Macaray
Attention Peyton Manning: Leave Football and Concentrate on Pizza
Arvin Paranjpe
Opening Your Heart
Kathleen Wallace
Boys, Hell, and the Politics of Vagina Voting
Brian Foley
Interview With a Bernie Broad: We Need to Start Focusing on Positions and Stop Relying on Sexism
February 08, 2016
Paul Craig Roberts – Michael Hudson
Privatization: the Atlanticist Tactic to Attack Russia
Mumia Abu-Jamal
Water War Against the Poor: Flint and the Crimes of Capital
John V. Walsh
Did Hillary’s Machine Rig Iowa? The Highly Improbable Iowa Coin Tosses
Vincent Emanuele
The Curse and Failure of Identity Politics
Eliza A. Webb
Hillary Clinton’s Populist Charade
Uri Avnery
Optimism of the Will
Roy Eidelson Trudy Bond, Stephen Soldz, Steven Reisner, Jean Maria Arrigo, Brad Olson, and Bryant Welch
Preserve Do-No-Harm for Military Psychologists: Coalition Responds to Department of Defense Letter to the APA
Patrick Cockburn
Oil Prices and ISIS Ruin Kurdish Dreams of Riches
Binoy Kampmark
Julian Assange, the UN and Meanings of Arbitrary Detention
Shamus Cooke
The Labor Movement’s Pearl Harbor Moment
W. T. Whitney
Cuba, War and Ana Belen Montes
Jim Goodman
Congress Must Kill the Trans Pacific Partnership
Peter White
Meeting John Ross
Colin Todhunter
Organic Agriculture, Capitalism and the Parallel World of the Pro-GMO Evangelist
Ralph Nader
They’re Just Not Answering!
Cesar Chelala
Beware of the Harm on Eyes Digital Devices Can Cause
Weekend Edition
February 5-7, 2016
Jeffrey St. Clair
When Chivalry Fails: St. Bernard and the Machine
Leonard Peltier
My 40 Years in Prison
John Pilger
Freeing Julian Assange: the Final Chapter
Garry Leech
Terrifying Ted and His Ultra-Conservative Vision for America
Andrew Levine
Smash Clintonism: Why Democrats, Not Republicans, are the Problem
William Blum
Is Bernie Sanders a “Socialist”?
Daniel Raventós - Julie Wark
We Can’t Afford These Billionaires
Enrique C. Ochoa
Super Bowl 50: American Inequality on Display
Jonathan Cook
The Liberal Hounding of Julian Assange: From Alex Gibney to The Guardian
George Wuerthner
How the Bundy Gang Won
Mike Whitney
Peace Talks “Paused” After Putin’s Triumph in Aleppo 
Ted Rall
Hillary Clinton: the Good, the Bad and the Ugly
Gary Leupp
Is a “Socialist” Really Unelectable? The Potential Significance of the Sanders Campaign
Vijay Prashad
The Fault Line of Race in America
FacebookTwitterGoogle+RedditEmail