FacebookTwitterGoogle+RedditEmail

Goodies for the Unmentionables

by CHARLES R. LARSON

In a conference call with his donors, defeated Republican candidate Mitt Romney was heard saying that his opponent, Barack Obama, was observed the weekend before the election playing Santa Claus, “giving gifts to the 47 per centers.”

“He spent the entire weekend handing out gifts to the free-loaders in this country who don’t work—have no work ethic—and expect nothing but hand-outs from their government.  I swore never to do anything so despicable if elected President of this great country, but Obama not only reinforced these ne’er-do-wells by giving them gifts but, in the process, caught us totally off guard.  I would have won the election had it not been for these gifts.”

Sheldon Adelson interrupted Romney and reminded Romney that the President is black, asking “Wouldn’t it be rather difficult for him to look like Santa Claus?”

Romney replied, “Well, he did it in white face, and that’s no surprise since he’s always trying to be one of us.  But even a black-faced Santa Claus would have no difficulty being accepted by some of our greedy minorities.”

Romney continued after David Koch asked him to identify the specific gifts.  Koch added, “We need to know exactly what these gifts are in order to corner the market on them before the next election.”

Romney responded.  “Well, we can see what they are, because we’ve captured it on video.  In African-American communities, it’s mostly chitlins and pig’s feet, sometimes with collard greens and corn bread thrown in.

“But it Latino areas, it’s tortillas and tamales—and lots of sopaipillas, but sometimes it’s tortillas presses, for the woman, and tequila for the men, the voters he most wants to bribe.”

“What about the young people who voted for him?”  The identity of the questioner is not clear.

“Well, this is the worst thing of all.  It’s regrettably about sex.  So it’s birth control pills for the girls and prophylactics for the boys, and sometimes other sex toys.”

Someone else asks him, “What about all the women voters?”

“That’s what’s so surprising here,” Romney responds.  “We can’t find any image on that tape showing Obama playing Santa Claus with adult white women.  There’s obviously a reason why they voted for him, but so far we haven’t be able to figure that out.”

Adelson asks another question.  “Isn’t this rather preposterous, Mitt?  How does one person hand out so much stuff the weekend before the election?”

“How does Santa Claus deliver gifts to every child in the world the night before Christmas?”

An audible groan is heard from one of Romney’s donors, who mutters, “So that’s where our higher taxes will go—more goodies for these unmentionables.”

Charles R. Larson is Emeritus Professor of Literature at American University, in Washington, D.C.  Email: clarson@american.edu.

Charles R. Larson is Emeritus Professor of Literature at American University, in Washington, D.C. Email = clarson@american.edu. Twitter @LarsonChuck.

More articles by:

CounterPunch Magazine

minimag-edit

bernie-the-sandernistas-cover-344x550

zen economics

February 23, 2017
Dave Brotherton
Trump, Moral Panics and Resistance
Jonathan Cook
One State: Trump Has Reminded Palestinians What It Was Always About
Bill Quigley
Ten Examples of Direct Resistance to Stop Government Raids
Linn Washington Jr.
Bigot Boy Business: Trump Exposes His Ignorance and Intolerance, Again
John W. Whitehead
The Illusion of Freedom: the Police State Is Alive and Well
Ralph Nader
Restricting People’s Use of Their Courts
David Macaray
Women As Labor Union Organizers
Kathy Kelly
Friendship in Defiance of War
Doug Weir
Why Did the US Use Depleted Uranium Weapons in Syria?
Steve Horn
Former GOP Congressional Staffer Follows Revolving Door, Now Latest Keystone XL Lobbyist
Binoy Kampmark
From Rights to Repentance: Norma McCorvey and Roe v Wade
Thomas Knapp
The Target of the “Border Adjustment Tax” is You
Chris Zinda
Open Letter to Neoliberal Environmentalists
February 22, 2017
Mike Whitney
Liberals Beware: Lie Down With Dogs, Get Up With Fleas
John Grant
On Killers and Bullshitters*
Peter Linebaugh
Catherine Despard, Abolitionist
Patrick Cockburn
The Bitter Battle for Mosul
Ted Rall
Sue the Bastards? It’s Harder Than You Think
Yoav Litvin
The Emergence of the Just Jew
Kim Scipes
Strategic Thinking and Organizing Resistance
Norman Pollack
Mar-a-Lago, Ideological Refuge: Berchtesgaden, II
Fred Donner
Nixon and the Chennault Affair: From Vietnam to Watergate
Carl Kandutsch
Podesta vs. Trump
Ike Nahem
To the Memory of Malcolm X: Fifty Years After His Assassination
Jesse Jackson
Trump’s Tough Talk Won’t Fix Chicago
Paul Donnelly
Betsy DeVos and the War on Public Education
Ebony Slaughter-Johnson
The End of an Alliance for Police Reform
Richard Lawless
Wall Street Demanded the Nuclear Option and the Congress Delivered
Liaquat Ali Khan
Yes, Real Donald Trump is a Muslim!
Ryan LaMothe
“Fire” and Free Speech
CounterPunch News Service
Bloody Buffalo Billboards
February 21, 2017
Sharmini Peries - Michael Hudson
Finance as Warfare: the IMF Lent to Greece Knowing It Could Never Pay Back Debt
CJ Hopkins
Goose-stepping Our Way Toward Pink Revolution
John Wight
Firestarter: the Unwelcome Return of Tony Blair
Roger Harris
Lenin Wins: Pink Tide Surges in Ecuador…For Now
Shepherd Bliss
Japanese American Internment Remembered, as Trump Rounds Up Immigrants
Boris Kagarlitsky
Trump and the Contradictions of Capitalism
Robert Fisk
The Perils of Trump Addiction
Deepak Tripathi
Theresa May: Walking the Kingdom Down a Dark Alley
Sarah Anderson
To Save Main Street, Tax Wall Street
Howard Lisnoff
Those Who Plan and Enjoy Murder
Franklin Lamb
The Life and Death Struggle of the Children of Syria
Binoy Kampmark
A Tale of Two Realities: Trump and Israel
Kim C. Domenico
Body and Soul: Becoming Men & Women in a Post-Gender Age
Mel Gurtov
Trump, Europe, and Chaos
FacebookTwitterGoogle+RedditEmail