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Political Washington was all abuzz Sunday, five days after the election, with the revelation that President Obama had caused Hurricane Sandy. Brit Hume, Fox News’ chief illusionist, broke the story. Checking recent White House logs for Air Force One, he determined that, several days before Sandy formed above the south-east Atlantic Ocean, the president’s plane was observed, mysteriously flying around in circles and seeding the clouds with what apparently was silver iodide. “The pilot of another aircraft,” Hume exclaimed, “observed the President watching through one of the windows in Air Force One. This is a clear violation of international law, let alone political protocol.”
When hearing the news, Karl Rove roared, “We always feared that the President would do something like this—create an October surprise—but never thought he would stoop so low as to alter the weather. At least this confirms that it is human beings who are responsible for climate change and not global warming. Fortunately, Charles and David [the Koch brothers] are no fools and realize that they’re just going to have to cough up money for voter and hurricane suppression the next time around.”
Asked about the revelation, Rush Limbaugh muttered, “That filthy socialist, what dirty trick will he pull next? This is the kind of chicanery you’d expect from an African dictator but not from the President of the United States.”
Donald Trump was quick to announce a five million dollar award for anyone who could provide a sample of President Obama’s DNA. “We know who his real father is—and it’s not that Kenyan imposter. It’s Robert Mugabe and we’ve already got samples of his DNA, so it’s just a matter of matching the two.”
In a hastily announced press conference, Paul Ryan stressed that the exposé of the cloud seeding, although disturbing, exonerates them from losing because they were out of touch with American voters. “At least it was nothing we did,” Ryan said. “We did the right thing. The Republicans are just going to have to register more old white men if they don’t want this to continue.”
Standing next to Ryan, Mitch McConnell—with the usual smirk on his face—observed at the end of Ryan’s press conference, “Our priorities are obvious. Our entire goal for the next four years is to see that President Obama accomplishes nothing. The country be damned.”
Even Thomas Donohue, President of the U.S. Chamber of Commerce, weighed in. “If we do it this the right way, there isn’t an election out there that can’t he bought.” And then he added, “We will continue with the privatization of American politicians.”
Hours after breaking the story, Hume speculated why the White House has not responded to his story. “They’re preoccupied with fabricating David Petraeus’ affair in order to cover up their blunders in Benghazi.”
Charles R. Larson is Emeritus Professor of Literature at American University in Washington, D.C. Email: firstname.lastname@example.org.