FacebookTwitterGoogle+RedditEmail

Republican Dream Ticket Finally Emerges

by CHARLES R. LARSON

The GOP dream ticket has finally emerged. Last week was a heady time for Republicans. As the world as we have known it continued crumbling, the Republicans/Conservatives/Tea Partiers plowed on with their agendas (reduce the budget, eliminate the budget, stop the budget, stop abortion, stop same-sex marriage, eliminate NPR) oblivious of events outside their own myopic perspective. Three stars of the Republican Party gained such high visibility that their futures are assured. Are you ready for this?

Donald Trump for President.

Michelle Bachman for Vice President.

Sarah Palin for Secretary of State.

Who could be a better presidential candidate—his party’s choice—than The Donald? Americans are not interested in politics or politicians; they’re interested in personalities, especially those who go astray. Cheat on your wife, don’t pay your taxes, take a few drugs, make obscene amounts of money and then lose it, get divorced and quickly remarried—these are the stories that Americans love more than anything else and The Donald has all the resilience (including his survival down through the years) and unlimited self-interest to guarantee his election if placed at the top of the ticket.

Forget The Donald’s biggest problems: he’s ugly and he’s boring. That boredom, at least, can be balanced by tapping Michelle Bachman for Vice President. Boring she is not, but rather a constant source of attention, particularly for fact-checkers who have had to go into overtime ever since she appeared on the national stage. As Vice President, she’d have plenty of free time to take a few courses—American history, American constitutional law, American tax reform, American ethics—at any of the numerous universities in the District of Columbia which will assure her own election to the presidency after The Donald has completed his two terms.

Since Sarah Palin has to be placated—now that she’s lost a bit of her luster, except to her base—so why not take advantage of that base and announce even before the election that Palin will be Secretary of State? She’s gained vast international experience during the past two years. During her recent trip to India, she was able to warn Indians of the imminent threat from their neighbor, China, the danger of which they were totally unaware before her visit. If Palin were Secretary of State, she wouldn’t need to run herself ragged as Hillary Clinton has done, hopping all around the world. Without leaving Alaska, Palin could make all decisions from the TV studio in her home and still have enough time for the next installment of her reality show.

And the ideal GOP platform for the 2012 election? Eliminate all taxes for the wealthy so that their enormous income will continue to trickle down and help everyone else, as has been the case since Ronald Reagan introduced supply-side economics. Eliminate all business taxes so that businesses can continue the unprecedented hiring push that they have pursued ever since the economic collapse as their profits have escalated. Cut all unnecessary government programs: education, health, energy, infrastructure, and—now that National Airport has shown that they are unnecessary—air traffic controllers.

Bring in the clowns.

CHARLES R. LARSON is Professor of Literature at American University, in Washington, D.C.

 

 

Charles R. Larson is Emeritus Professor of Literature at American University, in Washington, D.C. Email = clarson@american.edu. Twitter @LarsonChuck.

More articles by:
May 31, 2016
Miguel A. Cruz-Díaz
Imperial Blues: On Whitewashing Dictatorship in the 21st Century
Vijay Prashad
Stoking the Fires: Trump and His Legions
Patrick Howlett-Martin
Libya: How to Bring Down a Nation
Uri Avnery
What Happened to Netanyahu?
Corey Payne
Reentry Through Resistance: Détente with Cuba was Accomplished Through Resistance and Solidarity, Not Imperial Benevolence
Bill Quigley
From Tehran to Atlanta: Social Justice Lawyer Azadeh Shahshahani’s Fight for Human Rights
Manuel E. Yepe
Trump, Sanders and the Exhaustion of a Political Model
Bruce Lerro
“Network” 40 Years Later: Capitalism in Retrospect and Prospect and Elite Politics Today
Robert Hunziker
Chile’s Robocops
Aidan O'Brien
What’ll It be Folks: Xenophobia or Genocide?
Binoy Kampmark
Emailgate: the Clinton Spin Doctors In Action
Colin Todhunter
The Unique Risks of GM Crops: Science Trumps PR, Fraud and Smear Campaigns
Dave Welsh
Jessica Williams, 29: Another Black Woman Gunned Down By Police
Gary Leupp
Rules for TV News Anchors, on Memorial Day and Every Day
May 30, 2016
Ron Jacobs
The State of the Left: Many Movements, Too Many Goals?
James Abourezk
The Intricacies of Language
Porfirio Quintano
Hillary, Honduras, and the Murder of My Friend Berta
Patrick Cockburn
Airstrikes on ISIS are Reducing Their Cities to Ruins
Uri Avnery
The Center Doesn’t Hold
Raouf Halaby
The Sailors of the USS Liberty: They, Too, Deserve to Be Honored
Rodrigue Tremblay
Barack Obama’s Legacy: What Happened?
Matt Peppe
Just the Facts: The Speech Obama Should Have Given at Hiroshima
Deborah James
Trade Pacts and Deregulation: Latest Leaks Reveal Core Problem with TISA
Michael Donnelly
Still Wavy After All These Years: Flower Geezer Turns 80
Ralph Nader
The Funny Business of Farm Credit
Paul Craig Roberts
Memorial Day and the Glorification of Past Wars
Colin Todhunter
From Albrecht to Monsanto: A System Not Run for the Public Good Can Never Serve the Public Good
Rivera Sun
White Rose Begins Leaflet Campaigns June 1942
Tom H. Hastings
Field Report from the Dick Cheney Hunting Instruction Manual
Weekend Edition
May 27, 2016
Friday - Sunday
John Pilger
Silencing America as It Prepares for War
Rob Urie
By the Numbers: Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump are Fringe Candidates
Paul Street
Feel the Hate
Daniel Raventós - Julie Wark
Basic Income Gathers Steam Across Europe
Andrew Levine
Hillary’s Gun Gambit
Jeffrey St. Clair
Hand Jobs: Heidegger, Hitler and Trump
S. Brian Willson
Remembering All the Deaths From All of Our Wars
Dave Lindorff
With Clinton’s Nixonian Email Scandal Deepening, Sanders Must Demand Answers
Pete Dolack
Millions for the Boss, Cuts for You!
Gunnar Westberg
Close Calls: We Were Much Closer to Nuclear Annihilation Than We Ever Knew
Peter Lee
To Hell and Back: Hiroshima and Nagasaki
Karl Grossman
Long Island as a Nuclear Park
Binoy Kampmark
Sweden’s Assange Problem: The District Court Ruling
Robert Fisk
Why the US Dropped Its Demand That Assad Must Go
Martha Rosenberg – Ronnie Cummins
Bayer and Monsanto: a Marriage Made in Hell
Brian Cloughley
Pivoting to War
FacebookTwitterGoogle+RedditEmail