The Re-Education of Helen Thomas
Note: These thoughts were implanted in Helen Thomas’ brain after a long and grueling surgical intervention conducted by Likudnik neurosurgeons, who were assisted by U.S. Congressmen, the White House press pool and a dozen rhesus macaques dressed as newspaper publishers. The surgeons found that sections of Thomas’ conscience were difficult to get at.
IMPLANT: Israel the best. Best. Love Israel. Love love love. Chosen ones. Big time. All the time. Must. Kiss. Israeli. Ass. Now! Do it! Chosen! No questions for Israelis. Freedom, truth, beauty, justice – Western values on the barricades. When Palestinians kill, terror. When Israelis kill, freedom and justice. Our falafel better than Arab falafel.
THOMAS’ CONSCIENCE: Lying shithead hypocrite assholes.
IMPLANT: Helen, listen to me: you are just an old bag of bones with a pen. We are the CHOSEN ONES! Israel Israel Israel Israel Israel Israel Israel Israel Israel Israel Israel Israel Israel Israel Israel –
THOMAS’ CONSCIENCE: Oh to hell with Israel already. Don’t we have more important things to think about –
[Surgeon 1 to Surgeon 2: “Need some help here.” Fellow American journalists enter in chains carrying press passes, whose dull edges they use to poke at Thomas’ exposed brain-flesh]
JOURNALISTS IN CHAINS: Oh ee oh. Oh ee oh.
IMPLANT: Helen, good little Helen: Come. Yes. That’s it. Now…wittle Isweal thweatened, googoo gaga. Need help, need money and weapons to make cwadle of civiwization safe for peace and justice. Isweal make kaka in Amewican mouth! Tasteee Fweedom Kaka!
THOMAS: Lies and terror – state terror. Nothing but state terror.
[Surgeon 2: “Lost cause?” Surgeon 1: “Shut her down.” They turn to the Journalists in Chains. In a single balletic motion, the Journalists drop their pants and piss on her. Thomas’ conscience is no match for the flood of urine that buoys her up and out of the room. Journalists, with pants around ankles, congratulate each other.]
CHRISTOPHER KETCHAM, a freelance writer in Brooklyn, NY, is writing a book about secession movements. Contact him at firstname.lastname@example.org