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President Mao-bama’s Little Red Primer

by SUSIE DAY

Lesson One

See the U.S. President. See the U.S. President give billions of tax dollars to help failing investment firms. See the U.S. President decide that terrorism suspects can be held without trial in “prolonged detention.” See the U.S. President oppose gay marriage and expand the war in Afghanistan.

The U.S. President is black. Yet his policies are in line with those of our previous presidents, who were all white. Why is the black U.S. President carrying out these policies?

The black U.S. President is carrying out these policies to prove that he is not a socialist.

Uh-oh! See the rightwing pundits and congress members! See them rebuke and scorn the black U.S. President! They are sick of Big Government. Hear them accuse the black U.S. President of mind control. Hear them warn America that the black U.S. President will indoctrinate our children with Marxism and take away our freedom. Hear them call him a liar.

Why are these people rebuking the black U.S. President? Is it because the new President is carrying out the policies of presidents before him? Is it because the government has grown bigger under the new President? Or is it because they are no longer allowed to call him a shiftless, no-good N-word?

No. It is because the black U.S. President is a socialist.

Confused?

That is because you are not a political scientist. Political scientists know that sometimes politics is like the world of fashion.

Sometimes, it takes a political scientist to see that socialism is the new Black.

Lesson 2

See 400 years of U.S. history. See African Americans in U.S. history. See them since 1607 behave in a radical socialist fashion.

See African Americans challenge the means of production by escaping from plantations in a socialist fashion. See them attempt to overthrow the economic class system by getting their heads busted open by state troopers in a socialist fashion. See them weaken the profit motive by popularizing spirituals, jazz, blues, and “folk” music in a socialist fashion. Some African Americans have even used shame-based communist rhetoric to obtain “equal” rights.

Now see European Americans in U.S. history. See them regard the 400-year legacy of African-American socialism with deep pain. See European Americans cringe at this long history of great wrongs. Oh, the socialism! The horrible, horrible socialism – which they were powerless to stop! Will there never be an end to Euro-American suffering?

Maybe. See the African-American President offer everyone Hope. Hope for Change! The President is determined to make everyone happy. He is trying hard to see both sides of any issue! He –

Oops. See the African-American President make a mistake. See him criticize the arrest of a fellow African American for trying to enter his own home. Hear the President say the arresting officer acted “stupidly.”

Whee-boom! That is the falling-down sound of white America’s approval rating for the new President. The President has failed. He just cannot overcome his natural inclination to behave in a socialist fashion.

Let’s face it: Although he supports all forms of capitalism, the President is really a communist dictator. He is a regular Mao-bama. See him bang his shoe on the White House podium. Hear him threaten to bury us with healthcare death panels. He wants to create two, three, many Free Trade Zones. He wants a thousand iPods to bloom.

The President holds great power. He has come a long way in his life. Yet there are things about U.S. history that he does not understand. The President does not understand that, no matter how powerful he is, or how far he has come, he still can’t mouth off to a white cop.

Can somebody please go get the President a beer?

Lesson Three

See the angry Middle Americans. See them march on Washington. They are marching against Big Government. Are they protesting the President’s recent Big Government support for the nuclear power industry? No, they are protesting the President’s socialism.

Hear them sing “God Bless America.” See them carry signs that call the President a “parasite in chief.” See them wave Confederate flags. Silly us – we didn’t know that Confederate flags meant GO-BACK-TO-AFRICA-BIG-GOVERNMENT.

Now see the U.S. Left. The U.S. Left actually wants socialism! The U.S. Left is made up of many factions, each of which wants a different kind of socialism. But all U.S. Left factions are united in their disagreement with the President’s policies. They are also united in not marching on Washington.

See the U.S. Left quietly watching the U.S. Right on the march. See it watch the U.S. Right usurp the Left’s own protest tactics to overthrow a socialist president who staunchly supports capitalism so that the U.S. Right can regain power and implement the same policies as those of the previous president whose policies closely resembled those of the current socialist President except that he is black.

Aren’t you glad we live in a post-racial society?

Beers for everyone, bartender!

©  SUSIE DAY, 2009

SUSIE DAY can be reached at: sday@skadden.com

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