FacebookTwitterGoogle+RedditEmail

Cha-ching Culture

by MISSY COMLEY BEATTIE

I finished reading an e-mail from David Axelrod with “This isn’t a game” in the subject line.  The body of the message contained:

Truth be told — with each passing day, more and more Americans   are unable to get the health care they need, when they need it.  Skyrocketing co-pays and deductibles and soaring insurance premiums are crushing our family budgets and small businesses. Unless we act now, these problems are guaranteed to get worse and worse.

Axelrod wanted me to know that Barack Obama cares about my health and financial situation.  But I don’t have time to watch the video he sent of the president’s prime-time performance about health insurance reform.

Because Mr. Ben Zongo is waiting for my “urgent” reply.  And while I hate to “expose or betray” his trust, I am just too excited to keep this to myself.  You see, Mr. Zongo is  a bank executive who needs my “urgent assistance in transferring the sum of Twenty-Two Million and Six Hundred Thousand united state [sic] dollars.”  To my account.  He says I’m the “nearest person to the deceased customer.”  I’ve been named the beneficiary of a huge sum of money from someone near and dear who I just don’t happen to know for some reason. Or other.

Excuse me.  I just heard a ping–you know, the sound of an e-mail arrival.

OMG, Christian singles in my area want to meet me. I can contact them “anytime with a flirt message.”

Then, more exciting news from Mr. Tony George who’s written to introduce himself.  I’m pretty thrilled that this VIP, the “Bill and Exchange Manager of Bank of Africa Burkina faso [sic]” is contacting me about something that will bring to my “personal edification ($18.5 million transfer claims).” He says it’s legitimate.  I just have to provide some personal information and get back to him for more details.  Done.

Hey, I just learned I can lose 20 pounds through colon flushing.  Who wouldn’t want this?

And here’s something from eHarmony–where I can find “compatible singles.” There’s a list of dating tips.  Great!  I’m definitely going to utilize this one:

Do Not Let It All Hang Out On Your First Date.

You should not give it  all at once in order to get better dating results. You must always leave something to the imagination on every date that you have with a person.  Most of us would enjoy sustained dating with a person we find mysterious and interesting. The excitement of continuously chasing a date with a person who seems not to run out of surprises every time you meet is  enough reason for you to work for a deeper relationship.

So, I’m developing  a couple of ideas for mystery maintenance that might lead to something meaningful, and I could use your help.  What do you think about my saying this on a first date:  “Bet you can’t guess how I lost 20 pounds?” Or: “Guess how much weight I lost by flushing something?” With either of these questions, I could  continue the mystique with:  “I’ll tell you on the second date.” Or the third. If I really want to be pursued, I could tantalize with: “On a future date, I’ll tell you what I flushed.”

But suppose I spend all the money from Mr.  Ben Zongo or Mr. Tony George on the colon stuff.  I’d just have to accept the offer from Mr. Ibrahim Mike, another manager from Africa.  He sure has an interesting name.  Sorry for digressing. The amount of $10.5 million could be in my account within “10 to 14 banking days” and this time, I’d actually know the name of my benefactor, Dr. George Brumely, “who died along with his entire family in a plane crash.”  I’m guessing Dr. Brumely read my CP articles and, well, just happened to agree with my politics, so before I forget, I want to thank Jeffrey and Alexander for bringing my views to the attention of Dr. Brumely.

Hmm, I just noticed I’ll actually receive only 40% of the money offered by Mr. Mike, since he has to set aside some of the funds for himself.  That’s okay, though.  Because there’s another e-mail from Mr. Ebrahim Hamid who’s senior staff with a bank in Dubai.  This guy has $3,000,000.00 for me, quite a nice infusion.

Does anybody know if colon flushing is expensive?  And do these dating services cost an arm and a leg? Christian singles get to flirt free but what if the flirting leads to, er, something athletic? I need answers. Pronto.

I’m really thinking I should make a donation to CounterPunch, but I have to be  sure I have money left after all the flushing, Christian singles, e-Harmonizing, and, hold on, I just received (ping) something from a Mr. Abdoullah Karim who’s calling me his friend.  Wow, this auditor/banker is ready to transfer $20,500,000.00 to me–almost as much as Mr. Zongo.  I will never again have to worry about the skyrocketing cost of healthcare. Have to go–Mr. Karim needs my account info and SSN.

Missy Beattie lives in New York City. She’s written for National Public Radio and Nashville Life Magazine. An outspoken critic of the Bush Administration and the war in Iraq, she’s a member of Gold Star Families for Peace. She completed a novel last year, but since the death of her nephew, Marine Lance Cpl. Chase J. Comley, in Iraq on August 6,’05, she has been writing political articles. She can be reached at: Missybeat@aol.com

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Missy Beattie has written for National Public Radio and Nashville Life Magazine. She was an instructor of memoirs writing at Johns Hopkins’ Osher Lifelong Learning Institute in BaltimoreEmail: missybeat@gmail.com

More articles by:

CounterPunch Magazine

minimag-edit

bernie-the-sandernistas-cover-344x550

zen economics

February 20, 2017
Bruce E. Levine
Humiliation Porn: Trump’s Gift to His Faithful…and Now the Blowback
Melvin Goodman
“Wag the Dog,” Revisited
Robert Hunziker
Fukushima: a Lurking Global Catastrophe?
David Smith-Ferri
Resistance and Resolve in Russia: Memorial HRC
Kenneth Surin
Global India?
Norman Pollack
Fascistization Crashing Down: Driving the Cleaver into Social Welfare
Patrick Cockburn
Trump v. the Media: a Fight to the Death
Susan Babbitt
Shooting Arrows at Heaven: Why is There Debate About Battle Imagery in Health?
Matt Peppe
New York Times Openly Promotes Formal Apartheid Regime By Israel
David Swanson
Understanding Robert E. Lee Supporters
Michael Brenner
The Narcissism of Donald Trump
Martin Billheimer
Capital of Pain
Thomas Knapp
Florida’s Shenanigans Make a Great Case for (Re-)Separation of Ballot and State
Jordan Flaherty
Best Films of 2016: Black Excellence Versus White Mediocrity
Weekend Edition
February 17, 2017
Friday - Sunday
David Price
Rogue Elephant Rising: The CIA as Kingslayer
Matthew Stevenson
Is Trump the Worst President Ever?
Jeffrey St. Clair
Roaming Charges: Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Flynn?
John Wight
Brexit and Trump: Why Right is Not the New Left
Diana Johnstone
France: Another Ghastly Presidential Election Campaign; the Deep State Rises to the Surface
Neve Gordon
Trump’s One-State Option
Roger Harris
Emperor Trump Has No Clothes: Time to Organize!
Joan Roelofs
What Else is Wrong with Globalization
Andrew Levine
Why Trump’s Muslim Travel Ban?
Mike Whitney
Blood in the Water: the Trump Revolution Ends in a Whimper
Vijay Prashad
Trump, Turmoil and Resistance
Ron Jacobs
U.S. Imperial War Personified
David Swanson
Can the Climate Survive Adherence to War and Partisanship?
Andre Vltchek
Governor of Jakarta: Get Re-elected or Die!
Patrick Cockburn
The Coming Destruction of Mosul
Norman Pollack
Self-Devouring Reaction: Governmental Impasse
Steve Horn
What Do a Louisiana Pipeline Explosion and Dakota Access Pipeline Have in Common? Phillips 66
Brian Saady
Why Corporations are Too Big to Jail in the Drug War
Graham Peebles
Ethiopia: Peaceful Protest to Armed Uprising
Luke Meyer
The Case of Tony: Inside a Lifer Hearing
Binoy Kampmark
Adolf, The Donald and History
Robert Koehler
The Great American Awakening
Murray Dobbin
Canadians at Odds With Their Government on Israel
Fariborz Saremi
A Whole New World?
Joyce Nelson
Japan’s Abe, Trump & Illegal Leaks
Christopher Brauchli
Trump 1, Tillerson 0
Yves Engler
Is This Hate Speech?
Dan Bacher
Trump Administration Exempts Three CA Oil Fields From Water Protection Rule at Jerry Brown’s Request
Richard Klin
Solid Gold
Melissa Garriga
Anti-Abortion and Anti-Fascist Movements: More in Common Than Meets the Eye
Thomas Knapp
The Absurd Consequences of a “Right to Privacy”
FacebookTwitterGoogle+RedditEmail