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Cha-ching Culture

by MISSY COMLEY BEATTIE

I finished reading an e-mail from David Axelrod with “This isn’t a game” in the subject line.  The body of the message contained:

Truth be told — with each passing day, more and more Americans   are unable to get the health care they need, when they need it.  Skyrocketing co-pays and deductibles and soaring insurance premiums are crushing our family budgets and small businesses. Unless we act now, these problems are guaranteed to get worse and worse. 

Axelrod wanted me to know that Barack Obama cares about my health and financial situation.  But I don’t have time to watch the video he sent of the president’s prime-time performance about health insurance reform.

Because Mr. Ben Zongo is waiting for my “urgent” reply.  And while I hate to “expose or betray” his trust, I am just too excited to keep this to myself.  You see, Mr. Zongo is  a bank executive who needs my “urgent assistance in transferring the sum of Twenty-Two Million and Six Hundred Thousand united state [sic] dollars.”  To my account.  He says I’m the “nearest person to the deceased customer.”  I’ve been named the beneficiary of a huge sum of money from someone near and dear who I just don’t happen to know for some reason. Or other. 

Excuse me.  I just heard a ping–you know, the sound of an e-mail arrival.

OMG, Christian singles in my area want to meet me. I can contact them “anytime with a flirt message.” 

Then, more exciting news from Mr. Tony George who’s written to introduce himself.  I’m pretty thrilled that this VIP, the “Bill and Exchange Manager of Bank of Africa Burkina faso [sic]” is contacting me about something that will bring to my “personal edification ($18.5 million transfer claims).” He says it’s legitimate.  I just have to provide some personal information and get back to him for more details.  Done.

Hey, I just learned I can lose 20 pounds through colon flushing.  Who wouldn’t want this?

And here’s something from eHarmony–where I can find “compatible singles.” There’s a list of dating tips.  Great!  I’m definitely going to utilize this one:

Do Not Let It All Hang Out On Your First Date.

You should not give it  all at once in order to get better dating results. You must always leave something to the imagination on every date that you have with a person.  Most of us would enjoy sustained dating with a person we find mysterious and interesting. The excitement of continuously chasing a date with a person who seems not to run out of surprises every time you meet is  enough reason for you to work for a deeper relationship.  

So, I’m developing  a couple of ideas for mystery maintenance that might lead to something meaningful, and I could use your help.  What do you think about my saying this on a first date:  “Bet you can’t guess how I lost 20 pounds?” Or: “Guess how much weight I lost by flushing something?” With either of these questions, I could  continue the mystique with:  “I’ll tell you on the second date.” Or the third. If I really want to be pursued, I could tantalize with: “On a future date, I’ll tell you what I flushed.”

But suppose I spend all the money from Mr.  Ben Zongo or Mr. Tony George on the colon stuff.  I’d just have to accept the offer from Mr. Ibrahim Mike, another manager from Africa.  He sure has an interesting name.  Sorry for digressing. The amount of $10.5 million could be in my account within “10 to 14 banking days” and this time, I’d actually know the name of my benefactor, Dr. George Brumely, “who died along with his entire family in a plane crash.”  I’m guessing Dr. Brumely read my CP articles and, well, just happened to agree with my politics, so before I forget, I want to thank Jeffrey and Alexander for bringing my views to the attention of Dr. Brumely.  

Hmm, I just noticed I’ll actually receive only 40% of the money offered by Mr. Mike, since he has to set aside some of the funds for himself.  That’s okay, though.  Because there’s another e-mail from Mr. Ebrahim Hamid who’s senior staff with a bank in Dubai.  This guy has $3,000,000.00 for me, quite a nice infusion. 

Does anybody know if colon flushing is expensive?  And do these dating services cost an arm and a leg? Christian singles get to flirt free but what if the flirting leads to, er, something athletic? I need answers. Pronto.

I’m really thinking I should make a donation to CounterPunch, but I have to be  sure I have money left after all the flushing, Christian singles, e-Harmonizing, and, hold on, I just received (ping) something from a Mr. Abdoullah Karim who’s calling me his friend.  Wow, this auditor/banker is ready to transfer $20,500,000.00 to me–almost as much as Mr. Zongo.  I will never again have to worry about the skyrocketing cost of healthcare. Have to go–Mr. Karim needs my account info and SSN.

Missy Beattie lives in New York City. She’s written for National Public Radio and Nashville Life Magazine. An outspoken critic of the Bush Administration and the war in Iraq, she’s a member of Gold Star Families for Peace. She completed a novel last year, but since the death of her nephew, Marine Lance Cpl. Chase J. Comley, in Iraq on August 6,’05, she has been writing political articles. She can be reached at: Missybeat@aol.com