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Limbaugh's Secret Plan to Save the Economy

Rush to the Rescue

by JAMES McENTEER

"The Obama regime has shown itself incapable of taking the necessary bold steps to end the economic catastrophe that began with Clinton-era liberal malfeasance. We’re beyond bailouts and other rearguard efforts. This is not the Great Depression. It is the Apocalypse. We must act quickly and decisively to make it an American Apocalypse, not some multicultural mashup that nobody really wins. Because without losers there are no winners, folks, so Let’s not go wobbly, as Maggie Thatcher used to say, or waste time lamenting the fate of the less gifted, less able, less lucky.

“Desperate times call for desperate measures. Unless we risk all, we cannot win all. The “fairness doctrine” is a sham in mass media or in life. It’s America First and Only, Survival of the Fittest, Might makes right, Manifest Destiny, My Country Right or Wrong and any other cultural supremacy cliché you know. Here’s what we must do:

“1. Every man and woman between 18 and 60 who signs up for unemployment benefits is automatically registered for the military draft. Of course not all will be accepted for military service, but within 90 days of signing up, every potential draftee will be tested physically and mentally for fitness to serve. And then inducted. This rapid massive build-up will provide needed employment for millions and prepare the United States for its ordained mission.

“2. A U.S.-led coalition of the at-least-semi-docile will invade selected oil-producing countries, including Venezuela and Iran. With control of these huge, strategic oil reserves, the United States will have sufficient supplies to run our super-sized armed forces worldwide, jump start our domestic economy and dictate trade terms across the planet. We shall redouble our troop strength in Iraq and Afghanistan to subdue insurgents once and for all. If we cannot destroy them we will pay them to join us. Our supporting allies – presumably all the other English-speaking provinces whom we subsidize (England, Canada, Australia) – will share in the (sp)oil(s).

“3. Disband the United Nations. Liberals, their allies in underdeveloped countries and various Euro-smarties have for decades accused the United States of trying to be the world’s policeman. Unfortunately they were wrong and the world has suffered for it. But now we will be the planet’s cop. And things will run a hell of a lot smoother as a result. One efficient empire is much better than hundreds of messy, competing independent states. And we’ll get those foreign agitators out of Manhattan.

“4. Deport all undesirables. Not just the wetbacks, anyone who fails a basic English test. If they can’t learn the common tongue that unites our great nation, they need to leave. Right now. All citizens will be required to pledge their loyalty. We need to know where everyone stands. If you’re not with us, you’ve got to go, whether or not your or your grandmother was born in the USA. That half-built fence along the Mexican frontier is going to be finished and reinforced. Our beefed-up military will protect our southern border with orders to shoot to kill. No more amnesty. No more sending people back in busses. You cross illegally, you die. End of story.

“5. Legalize all drugs. In times of crisis, necessity trumps morality. Ask Hillary Clinton, who just told the Chinese how happy we are to trade with them despite their abysmal human rights record. The War on Drugs is a costly failure, giving us no control over their dissemination and no profits from their sales. By legalizing and taxing marijuana, heroin, methedrine, cocaine, etc. we can turn the dreadful losses of ineffectual enforcement into mega-profits. Conservatives such as Milton Friedman and William F. Buckley have also endorsed this strategy, folks, so hold all your hate mail.

“Remember, even if global warming were happening, it would not be our fault. And you don’t have to thank me for saving this planet. I do it because I can. With talent on loan from God. If I were any smarter you wouldn’t be able to understand me.”

(Nationally syndicated radio personality Rush Limbaugh, subject of Rush Limbaugh is a Big Fat Idiot, and other books, can talk faster than most people – including him – can think.)

JAMES McENTEER is the author of Shooting the Truth: the Rise of American Political Documentaries (Praeger 2006). He lives in Cochabamba, Bolivia.