FacebookTwitterGoogle+RedditEmail

Last Mambo in Minnehaha

by JAMES McENTEER

Norm Coleman’s lawyers are hinting that the only way to settle the still undecided 2008 Minnesota senate race is to hold the election again.

That would be an extremely costly admission that Minnesota’s electoral system is broken.  And isn’t one definition of mental illness repeating an action, hoping for a different result?  Anyway, repeats are boring, especially in winter, even in Minnesota.

There must be a better way to settle this.  Here are several suggestions:

Have a duel:  Norm Coleman and Al Franken could face off in the proud tradition of Hamilton and Burr.  In our infinitely more civilized era, pistols would be replaced by tasers.  The television rights could be auctioned off for charity, and for a nice second-place consolation prize along with the rice-a-roni.  Loser has to go to Washingt…. I mean, the winner.  Actually, they can both go, one as senator, the other as lobbyist.

Flip a coin: Following Dr. Freud’s advice, if We the People don’t like the way the toss turns out, then we know it was the other guy we really wanted all along.  We could survey registered independents only, for their gut reactions to the initial result.  If enough people just hate it, the other person could be declared the winner.  Or we could just flip it again, what the hey.  It’s not like re-doing a whole election.

Ask Antonin Scalia:  He has shown himself willing to deliver an unsigned opinion late at night.  He and silent sidekick Clarence Thomas do not scruple to override state decisions, even if their own family members are involved in one of the contending campaigns, as long as “no precedent” will be set.  No worries, Nino!  No point asking the other justices.  “Chief” Roberts would probably just blow the verdict announcement anyway and confuse everyone.

Forget about it:  Minnesota can probably get along just fine with a single senator.  They’ve been surviving with only one for months now.  This could set a useful precedent for other states to follow, halving the odds of senate gridlock and saving the country billions in salaries and pork   Then we can work on cleaning out the real Augean Stables, the House of Representatives.  Heck, dump em all.  Let the pundits and the lobbyists run government.  Oh but no, actually, that’s kind of how it’s been….

Let Minnesota secede:  Another potential precedent-setter from this cutting-edge state.  If they can’t count the votes, boot em out of the union.  They’ll be fine as an independent republic.  We’ll trade with them.  They’ll vote with us in the UN.  Then we can ax California for its fiscal follies.  A $41 billion shortfall?  These are tough times.  Can’t be bailing everyone out.  What’s the matter with Kansas?  Whatever.  Mental instability is also grounds for divorce.  Minnesota could pioneer a creative contraction of the country that could save us gazillions, whoever “we” may turn out to be.

JAMES McENTEER is the author of Shooting the Truth: the Rise of American Political Documentaries (Praeger 2006). He lives in Cochabamba, Bolivia.

 

 

James McEnteer’s most recent book is Acting Like It Matters: John Malpede and the Los Angeles Poverty DepartmentHe lives in Quito, Ecuador.

More articles by:

CounterPunch Magazine

minimag-edit

bernie-the-sandernistas-cover-344x550

zen economics

Weekend Edition
January 20, 2017
Friday - Sunday
Paul Street
Divide and Rule: Class, Hate, and the 2016 Election
Andrew Levine
When Was America Great?
Jeffrey St. Clair
Roaming Charges: This Ain’t a Dream No More, It’s the Real Thing
Yoav Litvin
Making Israel Greater Again: Justice for Palestinians in the Age of Trump
Linda Pentz Gunter
Nuclear Fiddling While the Planet Burns
Ruth Fowler
Standing With Standing Rock: Of Pipelines and Protests
David Green
Why Trump Won: the 50 Percenters Have Spoken
Dave Lindorff
Imagining a Sanders Presidency Beginning on Jan. 20
Pete Dolack
Eight People Own as Much as Half the World
Roger Harris
Too Many People in the World: Names Named
Steve Horn
Under Tillerson, Exxon Maintained Ties with Saudi Arabia, Despite Dismal Human Rights Record
John Berger
The Nature of Mass Demonstrations
Stephen Zielinski
It’s the End of the World as We Know It
David Swanson
Six Things We Should Do Better As Everything Gets Worse
Alci Rengifo
Trump Rex: Ancient Rome’s Shadow Over the Oval Office
Brian Cloughley
What Money Can Buy: the Quiet British-Israeli Scandal
Mel Gurtov
Donald Trump’s Lies And Team Trump’s Headaches
Kent Paterson
Mexico’s Great Winter of Discontent
Norman Solomon
Trump, the Democrats and the Logan Act
David Macaray
Attention, Feminists
Yves Engler
Demanding More From Our Media
James A Haught
Religious Madness in Ulster
Dean Baker
The Economics of the Affordable Care Act
Patrick Bond
Tripping Up Trumpism Through Global Boycott Divestment Sanctions
Robert Fisk
How a Trump Presidency Could Have Been Avoided
Robert Fantina
Trump: What Changes and What Remains the Same
David Rosen
Globalization vs. Empire: Can Trump Contain the Growing Split?
Elliot Sperber
Dystopia
Dan Bacher
New CA Carbon Trading Legislation Answers Big Oil’s Call to Continue Business As Usual
Wayne Clark
A Reset Button for Political America
Chris Welzenbach
“The Death Ship:” An Allegory for Today’s World
Uri Avnery
Being There
Peter Lee
The Deep State and the Sex Tape: Martin Luther King, J. Edgar Hoover, and Thurgood Marshall
Patrick Hiller
Guns Against Grizzlies at Schools or Peace Education as Resistance?
Randy Shields
The Devil’s Real Estate Dictionary
Ron Jacobs
Singing the Body Electric Across Time
Ann Garrison
Fifty-five Years After Lumumba’s Assassination, Congolese See No Relief
Christopher Brauchli
Swing Low Alabama
Dr. Juan Gómez-Quiñones
La Realidad: the Realities of Anti-Mexicanism
Jon Hochschartner
The Five Least Animal-Friendly Senate Democrats
Pauline Murphy
Fighting Fascism: the Irish at the Battle of Cordoba
Susan Block
#GoBonobos in 2017: Happy Year of the Cock!
Louis Proyect
Is Our Future That of “Sense8” or “Mr. Robot”?
Charles R. Larson
Review: Robert Coover’s “Huck out West”
David Yearsley
Manchester-by-the-Sea and the Present Catastrophe
FacebookTwitterGoogle+RedditEmail