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The Mighty Wurzelbacher

A Glimpse Inside the Head of Joe the Plumber

by DOUGLAS VALENTINE

For those who were fortunate enough to watch, McCain campaign advisers Samuel J. Wurzelbacher and Joe the Plumber recently appeared in special Fox News broadcast featuring a roundtable discussion with Neil Cavuto and Laura Ingraham.

Wurzelbacher, a noted Toledo-based economist, sported a gold-lamé designer Buckeye sweatshirt over rhinestone studded, skin tight DKNY blue jeans (purchased by the RNC) which accented his well-developed quads.   But as Wurzelbacher piously told his host and hostess, “It’s not just about clothes.  It’s about lifestyle.”

As McCain’s most trusted economic adviser, Wurzelbacher’s lifestyle has raised some fashion-maven eyebrows for its flash and dazzle style.  Wurzelbacher also has achieved notoriety for carrying the portable head of Joe the Plumber in his muscular left arm. 

As Cavuto astutely noted by way of introduction, “Wurzelbacher and Joe the Plumber’s head, which serves as his oracle, are virtually inseparable.” 

Hostess Laura Ingraham looked lithesome, as always, in Gypsy haute couture and a multi-colored Gucci scarf (purchased by the RNC) wrapped around her forehead.  As the show began Ingraham carefully took Joe’s big bald head from Wurzelbacher and screwed it down on a round table covered with a dark red satin cloth decorated with obscure signs and symbols.  Once fastened securely in place, the ectoplasmic cranium turned crystal clear and began to emit an esoteric glow that entranced everyone in the Fox News studio.   

Cavuto, in a striped grey worsted suit and clashing yellow silk tie (purchased by the RNC), began the panel discussion by asking Wurzelbacher “What does an Obama presidency, God forbid, mean for America?”

Slowly, dramatically, Wurzelbacher put his steady hands on either side of the Big Bald Ball while deftly inserting a quarter in the left ear.  Then he whispered sotto voce.  “Tell me Joe.  Tell me the future!”

Three million Fox viewers sat in characteristically thoughtless silence as Joe’s mouth dropped open and words tumbled out.  “I’m scared for this country,” he spoke.  “I am very scared for all America.”

Inserting another quarter, Wurzelbacher beseeched the clairvoyant craniate: “Why, Joe?  Why are you scared?”

Joe spoke: “If elected president, Barrack Hussein Obama is going to raise taxes on the entire middle class!”

Cavuto and Ingraham nodded solemnly in agreement. 

“The black deviltry of Hussein’s hordes knows no bounds,” Ingraham seethed, visibly afraid for her virtue. 

Cavuto added knowledgeably, “According to Republican presidential candidate John McCain, “they” have even accessed into Joe’s background!” 

“It is political retribution, pure and simple,” Ingraham observed. 

“What was Joe’s crime?” Cavuto inquired of Wurzelbacher.

“He exposed Obama as an African born Muslim and Communist who wants to spread the wealth around.”
Ingraham gasped.  “It’s deviltry, for a private citizen to ask a question of his elected leaders and then turn around and get a proctology exam.   That’s just wrong.”

"If this is the way the Obama administration is going to conduct itself the American people should know," Cavuto warned.    

“Let’s ask Joe what he thinks,” Ingraham suggested.

Once again Wurzelbacher rubbed Joe’s round white shiny head, which this time turned translucent.  Wurzelbacher cautiously slipped a quarter in the designated ear and asked the paranormal plumber, “How can Obama stare down Putin, if he couldn’t deal with you?”

Joe blurted, “Obama will visit a financial plague upon America far worse than anything Bush hath wrought in his eight years of unholy congress with Republicans!”

Cavuto and Ingraham were visibly taken back by Joe’s exclamation, insofar as he had, in all his previous Fox News séances, proven his undying loyalty to Supreme Skinhead Stupert Murdock, an Australian noted – like his fellow “medium,” the Reverend Sunset Moon – for meddling in American politics and channeling subliminal CIA messages.

Ignoring Joe’s comment about “worse than anything Bush has wrought,” Cavuto quickly prompted Wurzelbacher to ask Joe how he felt Obama palling around with terrorist Bill Ayers.”
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This time, however, the quarter got stuck in the chrome dome and Wurzelbacher had to whack it to get it going.  The coin fell into the slotted skull with a clank, and Joe sputtered, “Where’s my god-damned left-handed wrench?”

Ingraham leaned over, exposing her ample bosom, and smacked it real hard, prompting a torrent of one-liners: “McCain is a politician and his campaign promises can’t be trusted!  McCain says Palin’s a diva, but I think she’s sexy and I want to run on her ticket in 2112! Senator Stevens is guilty as sin!  Obama is way cool….”
 
At this point it was painfully obvious that a screw had come loose in the Fox News Hour’s Mighty Wurlitzer.  It was definitely not on its divine message anymore.

Cavuto turned to Wurzelbacher and, with utter dismay said, “We paid twenty dollars for this!  Maybe we should have tried the palm reader or…or…or an Astrologer?” 

“Well,” Wurzelbacher retorted, “Why not ask him something practical?  Just last week Joe channeled a carpenter’s dead grandmother and she told us where she hid the box of gold coins she saved all her life.” 

As Wurzelbacher spoke, he turned Joe’s head upside down; inside, snow started falling on a quaint New England village.

“The average plumber would pay less in taxes under Obama than McCain," Joe said, adding gratuitously that “US Special Forces on a CIA mission snuffed a smuggler in Syria and snatched two of his accomplices.  The bastards killed his family as a warning to others who would funnel fighters, weapons and cash into Iraq!”

“Destroy it, before it speaks again,” Ingraham pleaded.

“Cut the cameras,” Cavuto screamed, grabbing for the mutant mouthpiece.

But Wurzelbacher held Joe’s head aloft and, as the cameras faded, you could see through a mist a cute little gerbil running inside a wheel.

DOUGLAS VALENTINE is the author of four books which are available at his websites http://www.members.authorsguild.net/valentine/ and http://www.douglasvalentine.com/index.html His fifth book, The Strength of the Pack: The Politics, Personalities and Espionage Intrigues That Shaped The DEA, will be published in September 2009 by Trine Day.