FacebookTwitterGoogle+RedditEmail

Gone with the W

by SUSIE DAY

Hillary Rodham Clinton was not a liberal, but the news media seldom realized it when surrounded by campaign placards and press kits, as a throng of reporters in the Oval Office were on this bright, cold day in January 2009.

"Fiddle dee dee, I can’t tell you people apart," chirped Hillary, her blue eyes fluttering prettily near the top of her magnolia-white head. "Now, what did you come to interview me about? Immigration? Health care –" 

Hillary paused, a wee worry line cracking her otherwise unmarred, alabaster forehead: "Or maybe you want to ask me how I got to be President after losing the Democratic nomination?"

The reporters clamored in the affirmative.

"I’ll just think about that tomorrow," Hillary announced. "Now, shoo. I’ve got some administratin’ to do!"

As Secret Service agents dragged the reporters away, Hillary settled back in her executive swivel chair and smiled. "Administratin’" – She liked the way she had learned to drop her "g’s" at the end of gerunds and participles. Somehow, it had helped her vote for a war in Iraq and funding for an endless occupation. It also inspired trust in hard-working Americans – hard-working white Americans. Not so much in those shiftless "other" people.

Hillary was glad she’d once told the press that campaign support from "working, hard-working Americans, white Americans" had dwindled for her nonwhite opponent. And that "whites who had not completed college" supported her. Hillary sighed contentedly: It sure was nice, being a feminist.

Fiddle dee dee on the Middle East, recession, global warming: Didn’t everyone know that identity politics was what the Presidential campaign had been about? Whether women or African Americans faced more discrimination? Didn’t Gloria Steinem write in the New York Times that "the sex barrier is not taken as seriously as the racial one"? Hadn’t Geraldine Ferraro stated that Barak Obama got preferential treatment because he was a Black man? Why, even a Mary Kay Cosmetics sales director in Ohio, declaring that women wouldn’t accept "back-of-the-bus" status, organized a group of Democrats — mostly women — to campaign against Obama!

These brave feminists weren’t afraid to act on a truth that Reality forbade them to speak: that while "African Americans" may occur in different genders, "women" were always white. Yes, Sisterhood was powerful – at least for "hard-working" women. Hillary had had to use every ounce of her money and influence, but finally she proved she was more oppressed, by being elected President. 

Well. Maybe "elected" wasn’t the best word. There were those sexist accusations that she had hacked some voting machines; the perennial charge that votes of "hard-working" Americans counted more than those of "non-hard-working" Americans. Fiddle dee dee on that, too. Her philandering, gun-running skunk of a hubby had the matter under control. He owed her that much. 

Ecstatically, Hillary hugged herself around her 37-inch waist and let out a warm, executive cackle. "Home!" she cried exultantly. "George Bush is gone and I’m home, to Tara – I mean, the White House – where I belong. I’ll never be power-hungry again!"

Suddenly, her handsome little head was abuzz with all there was to do: print up new currency, privatize more highways, punish some superdelegates, arrange that cookie-baking photo op with Tammy Wynette …

Hillary rang for the White House maid, Pammy. Like most "hard-working" Americans, it took Pammy a little longer to appear than Hillary would have liked. Finally, she shuffled in. "Yeah, Ms. Hillary?" sighed Pammy, patting her hairdo.

"Oh, Pammy, I want you to wash the windows behind my desk," spoke Hillary crisply. "Then, if you could rip down those curtains and make me a nice pantsuit out of them. Now, don’t dawdle so – I can read you white, hard-working people like a book."

Suddenly, shouts and the sound of gunfire erupted from the White House lawn. A Secret Service agent, shot in the chest, stumbled in, clutching a bloodstained note. Groaning from the competing pains of his bullet-wound and of being used as such a transparent plot device, he managed to gasp, "Telegram for the President," before collapsing. Hillary’s administrative lips trembled as she read aloud: 

"ANGRY MOB OUTSIDE [STOP] AMERICANS SICK OF WAR AND HOUSING CRISIS [STOP] WHENEVER ANY FORM OF GOVERNMENT BECOMES DESTRUCTIVE IT IS RIGHT OF THE PEOPLE TO ALTER OR ABOLISH IT AND INSITUTE NEW GOVERNMENT [STOP] THAT’S DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE TOOTS [STOP] RESIGN NOW"

Terrified, Pammy began rending her dish towel, in the amusing frenzy reserved for working-class stereotypes. "I don’t know nothin’ about birthin’ no governments, Ms. Hillary!" she shrieked. "All I know is, you put a knife in the President to cut your pain in two –"

Pammy froze. Hoping to hell she hadn’t just inadvertently reminded her boss of Bobby Kennedy’s assassination, she scurried out.

But Hillary Rodham Clinton only smiled. It was 3:00 p.m. in the White House and she was alone – alone with her feminism. Of course, she suspected terrorists. She remembered her old campaign promise about obliterating Iran. Shouldn’t she have equal opportunity to use a military ploy any male President would use to distract Americans from social change?

Her lily, feminist hand reached for the red phone. For a second, she thought she heard the voices of 71 million Iranians, wordlessly begging for their lives. But what were they, compared to one hard-working woman’s right to be President?

"Frankly, my dears," said Hillary under her breath, "I don’t give a damn."

SUSIE DAY can be reached at: sday@skadden.com

©  SUSIE DAY, 2008

 

Weekend Edition
February 12-14, 2016
Andrew Levine
What Next in the War on Clintonism?
Jeffrey St. Clair
A Comedy of Terrors
Ismael Hossein-Zadeh – Anthony A. Gabb
Financial Oligarchy vs. Feudal Aristocracy
Paul Street
When Plan A Meets Plan B: Talking Politics and Revolution with the Green Party’s Jill Stein
Rob Urie
The (Political) Season of Our Discontent
Pepe Escobar
It Takes a Greek to Save Europa
Gerald Sussman
Why Hillary Clinton Spells Democratic Party Defeat
Carol Norris
What Do Hillary’s Women Want? A Psychologist on the Clinton Campaign’s Women’s Club Strategy
Robert Fantina
The U.S. Election: Any Good News for Palestine?
Linda Pentz Gunter
Radioactive Handouts: the Nuclear Subsidies Buried Inside Obama’s “Clean” Energy Budget
Michael Welton
Lenin, Putin and Me
Manuel García, Jr.
Fire in the Hole: Bernie and the Cracks in the Neo-Liberal Lid
Thomas Stephens
The Flint River Lead Poisoning Catastrophe in Historical Perspective
David Rosen
When Trump Confronted a Transgender Beauty
Will Parrish
Cap and Clear-Cut
Victor Grossman
Coming Cutthroats and Parting Pirates
Ben Terrall
Raw Deals: Challenging the Sharing Economy
David Yearsley
Beyoncé’s Super Bowl Formation: Form-Fitting Uniforms of Revolution and Commerce
David Mattson
Divvying Up the Dead: Grizzly Bears in a Post-ESA World
Matthew Stevenson
Confessions of a Primary Insider
Jeff Mackler
Friedrichs v. U.S. Public Employee Unions
Franklin Lamb
Notes From Tehran: Trump, the Iranian Elections and the End of Sanctions
Pete Dolack
More Unemployment and Less Security
Christopher Brauchli
The Cruzifiction of Michael Wayne Haley
Bill Quigley
Law on the Margins: a Profile of Social Justice Lawyer Chaumtoli Huq
Uri Avnery
A Lady With a Smile
Katja Kipping
The Opposite of Transparency: What I Didn’t Read in the TIPP Reading Room
B. R. Gowani
Hellish Woman: ISIS’s Granny Endorses Hillary
Kent Paterson
The Futures of Whales and Humans in Mexico
James Heddle
Why the Current Nuclear Showdown in California Should Matter to You
Michael Howard
Hollywood’s Grotesque Animal Abuse
Steven Gorelick
Branding Tradition: a Bittersweet Tale of Capitalism at Work
Nozomi Hayase
Assange’s UN Victory and Redemption of the West
Patrick Bond
World Bank Punches South Africa’s Poor, by Ignoring the Rich
Mel Gurtov
Is US-Russia Engagement Still Possible?
Dan Bacher
Governor Jerry Brown Receives Cold, Dead Fish Award Four Years In A Row
Wolfgang Lieberknecht
Fighting and Protecting Refugees
Jennifer Matsui
Doglegs, An Unforgettable Film
Soud Sharabani
Israeli Myths: An Interview with Ramzy Baroud
Terry Simons
Bernie? Why Not?
Missy Comley Beattie
When Thoughtful People Think Illogically
Christy Rodgers
Everywhere is War: Luke Mogelson’s These Heroic, Happy Dead: Stories
Ron Jacobs
Springsteen: Rockin’ the House in Albany, NY
Barbara Nimri Aziz
“The Martian”: This Heroism is for Chinese Viewers Too
Charles R. Larson
No Brainers: When Hitler Took Cocaine and Lenin Lost His Brain
FacebookTwitterGoogle+RedditEmail