FacebookTwitterGoogle+RedditEmail

What I Learned About Being a Dickhead

by JEENIE CRISCENZO

Visitors to the San Diego Zoo today had a surprise in store for them–the chain gang trio (Bush, Cheney and Condi) were bobbling their heads and performing their antics, dressed in prison stripes and waving big money around. I got to wear the Cheney head, which I reluctantly admit, means that I spent the morning being a Dick-head.

As always, I never pass up the opportunity to learn from my experiences, so while I stood there on the corner of Park Blvd. & Zoo Place, telling everyone walking by that they should be in Iraq, I came up with a short list of observations. I’ll share them with you, in case you were considering becoming a Dick-head yourself one day.

First–getting inside the head of a neo-con is a terrifying experience, but wearing the paper-mache head is no picnic either. It’s heavy! And something in the helmet embedded in the contraption kept pulling at my hair. I was certain that when I finally un-donned the beast, I’d have a bald spot in the back of my head. Dick-heading gave me a headache. No wonder Cheney always looks so angry!

Second–there’s a very narrow view of the world when you are seeing it from Dick Cheney’s mouth. I couldn’t see on the left at all because that side of his mouth was scrunched in his trademark talking-out-of-the-side-of-his-mouth snarl. Then there was the big hundred-dollar bill stuck in the mouth which forced me to look at everything through the money lens. I wear progressive bifocals, so it was a trick to position my glasses to focus without the head sliding forward and blocking my view completely.

Third–People might pretend they like you when you’re a Dick-head, but secretly they were wishing me dead. At one point I had to pull Bush Bobble-head away from the curb where cars turning the corner. Call me paranoid, but some of those cars appeared to be trying to run us over! Mothers walking by with their kids in tow, eyed me suspiciously, even though their children thought I was a Disney character. I tried to be friendly, inviting the little darlings to join the military, offering them a ride in my un-armored Humvee. But while they laughed, no one asked to have their photo taken with me like they did with my boy-George. It was pretty lonely being a Dick-head.

Fourth–People don’t seem to be too happy about my little war game. The majority of people going by were holding up two fingers in that snarky, Communist peace sign! They yelled out some pretty nasty things–like “Impeach the bastards!”

I started out thinking there were five things I learned today. But my head hurts and my feet hurt and my feelings hurt. So I’ll just end it here. All in all, I wouldn’t recommend being a Dick-head. Thank God I was able to extricate myself from the mess. It was easy–I simply impeached myself. In case the original Dick-head is listening, I suggest you do the same–you’ll feel a whole lot better afterwards–as I do now. In fact. We’ll all feel a lot better. And I won’t have to waste another beautiful Sunday in May standing on the corner being a Dick-head.

Jeeni Criscenzo is a flaming liberal who ran for Congress in 2006 and now spends her time writing and working to get Dennis Kucinich elected President so we can all go home and be content again.

 

 

More articles by:

CounterPunch Magazine

minimag-edit

bernie-the-sandernistas-cover-344x550

zen economics

Weekend Edition
March 24, 2017
Friday - Sunday
Michael Hudson
Trump is Obama’s Legacy: Will this Break up the Democratic Party?
Eric Draitser
Donald Trump and the Triumph of White Identity Politics
Jeffrey St. Clair
Roaming Charges: Nothing Was Delivered
Paul Buhle
The CIA and the Intellectuals…Again
Andrew Levine
Ryan’s Choice
Joshua Frank
Global Coal in Freefall, Tar Sands Development Drying Up (Bad News for Keystone XL)
Anthony DiMaggio
Ditching the “Deep State”: The Rise of a New Conspiracy Theory in American Politics
John Wight
London and the Dreary Ritual of Terrorist Attacks
Rob Urie
Boris and Natasha Visit Fantasy Island
David Rosen
Why Did Trump Target Transgender Youth?
Vijay Prashad
Inventing Enemies
Ben Debney
Outrage From the Imperial Playbook
Michael J. Sainato
Bernie Sanders’ Economic Advisor Shreds Trumponomics
Bill Willers
Volunteerism; Charisma; the Ivy League Stranglehold: a Very Brief Trilogy
Lawrence Davidson
Moral Failure at the UN
Pete Dolack
World Bank Declares Itself Above the Law
Nicola Perugini - Neve Gordon
Israel’s Human Rights Spies
Patrick Cockburn
From Paris to London: Another City, Another Attack
Ralph Nader
Reason and Justice Address Realities
Ramzy Baroud
‘Decolonizing the Mind’: Using Hollywood Celebrities to Validate Islam
Colin Todhunter
Monsanto in India: The Sacred and the Profane
Louisa Willcox
Grizzlies Under the Endangered Species Act: How Have They Fared?
Norman Pollack
Militarization of American Fascism: Trump the Usurper
Pepe Escobar
North Korea: The Real Serious Options on the Table
Brian Cloughley
“These Things Are Done”: Eavesdropping on Trump
Sheldon Richman
You Can’t Blame Trump’s Military Budget on NATO
Carol Wolman
Trump vs the People: a Psychiatrist’s Analysis
Stanley L. Cohen
The White House . . . Denial and Cover-ups
Farhang Jahanpour
America’s Woes, Europe’s Responsibilities
Joseph Natoli
March Madness Outside the Basketball Court
Bruce Mastron
Slaughtered Arabs Don’t Count
Pauline Murphy
Unburied Truth: Exposing the Church’s Iron Chains on Ireland
Ayesha Khan
The Headscarf is Not an Islamic Compulsion
Ron Jacobs
Music is Love, Music is Politics
Christopher Brauchli
Prisoners as Captive Customers
M. Shadee Malaklou
An Open Letter to Duke University’s Class of 2007, About Your Open Letter to Stephen Miller
Robert Koehler
The Mosque That Disappeared
Franklin Lamb
Update from Madaya
Dan Bacher
Federal Scientists Find Delta Tunnels Plan Will Devastate Salmon
Barbara Nimri Aziz
The Gig Economy: Which Side Are You On?
Kollibri terre Sonnenblume
Marines to Kill Desert Tortoises
Louis Proyect
What Caused the Holodomor?
Max Mastellone
Seeking Left Unity Through a Definition of Progressivism
Charles R. Larson
Review: David Bellos’s “Novel of the Century: the Extraordinary Adventure of Les Misérables”
David Yearsley
Ear of Darkness: the Soundtracks of Steve Bannon’s Films
FacebookTwitterGoogle+RedditEmail