What I Learned About Being a Dickhead

by JEENIE CRISCENZO

Visitors to the San Diego Zoo today had a surprise in store for them–the chain gang trio (Bush, Cheney and Condi) were bobbling their heads and performing their antics, dressed in prison stripes and waving big money around. I got to wear the Cheney head, which I reluctantly admit, means that I spent the morning being a Dick-head.

As always, I never pass up the opportunity to learn from my experiences, so while I stood there on the corner of Park Blvd. & Zoo Place, telling everyone walking by that they should be in Iraq, I came up with a short list of observations. I’ll share them with you, in case you were considering becoming a Dick-head yourself one day.

First–getting inside the head of a neo-con is a terrifying experience, but wearing the paper-mache head is no picnic either. It’s heavy! And something in the helmet embedded in the contraption kept pulling at my hair. I was certain that when I finally un-donned the beast, I’d have a bald spot in the back of my head. Dick-heading gave me a headache. No wonder Cheney always looks so angry!

Second–there’s a very narrow view of the world when you are seeing it from Dick Cheney’s mouth. I couldn’t see on the left at all because that side of his mouth was scrunched in his trademark talking-out-of-the-side-of-his-mouth snarl. Then there was the big hundred-dollar bill stuck in the mouth which forced me to look at everything through the money lens. I wear progressive bifocals, so it was a trick to position my glasses to focus without the head sliding forward and blocking my view completely.

Third–People might pretend they like you when you’re a Dick-head, but secretly they were wishing me dead. At one point I had to pull Bush Bobble-head away from the curb where cars turning the corner. Call me paranoid, but some of those cars appeared to be trying to run us over! Mothers walking by with their kids in tow, eyed me suspiciously, even though their children thought I was a Disney character. I tried to be friendly, inviting the little darlings to join the military, offering them a ride in my un-armored Humvee. But while they laughed, no one asked to have their photo taken with me like they did with my boy-George. It was pretty lonely being a Dick-head.

Fourth–People don’t seem to be too happy about my little war game. The majority of people going by were holding up two fingers in that snarky, Communist peace sign! They yelled out some pretty nasty things–like "Impeach the bastards!"

I started out thinking there were five things I learned today. But my head hurts and my feet hurt and my feelings hurt. So I’ll just end it here. All in all, I wouldn’t recommend being a Dick-head. Thank God I was able to extricate myself from the mess. It was easy–I simply impeached myself. In case the original Dick-head is listening, I suggest you do the same–you’ll feel a whole lot better afterwards–as I do now. In fact. We’ll all feel a lot better. And I won’t have to waste another beautiful Sunday in May standing on the corner being a Dick-head.

Jeeni Criscenzo is a flaming liberal who ran for Congress in 2006 and now spends her time writing and working to get Dennis Kucinich elected President so we can all go home and be content again.

 

Like What You’ve Read? Support CounterPunch
September 01, 2015
Mike Whitney
Return to Crisis: Things Keep Getting Worse
Michael Schwalbe
The Moral Hazards of Capitalism
Eric Mann
Inside the Civil Rights Movement: a Conversation With Julian Bond
Pam Martens
How Wall Street Parasites Have Devoured Their Hosts, Your Retirement Plan and the U.S. Economy
Jonathan Latham
Growing Doubt: a Scientist’s Experience of GMOs
Fran Shor
Occupy Wall Street and the Sanders Campaign: a Case of Historical Amnesia?
Joe Paff
The Big Trees: Cockburn, Marx and Shostakovich
Randy Blazak
University Administrators Allow Fraternities to Turn Colleges Into Rape Factories
Robert Hunziker
The IPCC Caught in a Pressure Cooker
George Wuerthner
Myths of the Anthropocene Boosters: Truthout’s Misguided Attack on Wilderness and National Park Ideals
Robert Koehler
Sending Your Children Off to Safe Spaces in College
Jesse Jackson
Season of the Insurgents: From Trump to Sanders
August 31, 2015
Michael Hudson
Whitewashing the IMF’s Destructive Role in Greece
Conn Hallinan
Europe’s New Barbarians
Lawrence Ware
George Bush (Still) Doesn’t Care About Black People
Joseph Natoli
Plutocracy, Gentrification and Racial Violence
Franklin Spinney
One Presidential Debate You Won’t Hear: Why It is Time to Adopt a Sensible Grand Strategy
Dave Lindorff
What’s Wrong with Police in America
Louis Proyect
Jacobin and “The War on Syria”
Lawrence Wittner
Militarism Run Amok: How Russians and Americans are Preparing Their Children for War
Binoy Kampmark
Tales of Darkness: Europe’s Refugee Woes
Ralph Nader
Lo, the Poor Enlightened Billionaire!
Peter Koenig
Greece: a New Beginning? A New Hope?
Dean Baker
America Needs an “Idiot-Proof” Retirement System
Vijay Prashad
Why the Iran Deal is Essential
Tom Clifford
The Marco Polo Bridge Incident: a History That Continues to Resonate
Peter Belmont
The Salaita Affair: a Scandal That Never Should Have Happened
Weekend Edition
August 28-30, 2015
Randy Blazak
Donald Trump is the New Face of White Supremacy
Jeffrey St. Clair
Long Time Coming, Long Time Gone
Mike Whitney
Looting Made Easy: the $2 Trillion Buyback Binge
Alan Nasser
The Myth of the Middle Class: Have Most Americans Always Been Poor?
Rob Urie
Wall Street and the Cycle of Crises
Andrew Levine
Viva Trump?
Ismael Hossein-Zadeh
Behind the Congressional Disagreements Over the Iran Nuclear Deal
Lawrence Ware – Marcus T. McCullough
I Won’t Say Amen: Three Black Christian Clichés That Must Go
Evan Jones
Zionism in Britain: a Neglected Chronicle
John Wight
Learning About the Migration Crisis From Ancient Rome
Andre Vltchek
Lebanon – What if it Fell?
Charles Pierson
How the US and the WTO Crushed India’s Subsidies for Solar Energy
Robert Fantina
Hillary Clinton, Palestine and the Long View
Ben Burgis
Gore Vidal Was Right: What Best of Enemies Leaves Out
Suzanne Gordon
How Vets May Suffer From McCain’s Latest Captivity
Robert Sandels - Nelson P. Valdés
The Cuban Adjustment Act: the Other Immigration Mess
Uri Avnery
The Molten Three: Israel’s Aborted Strike on Iran
John Stanton
Israel’s JINSA Earns Return on Investment: 190 Americans Admirals and Generals Oppose Iran Deal