FacebookTwitterGoogle+RedditEmail

Write Your Own Editorial!

by BEN TRIPP

Greetings, moist and tender reader. This week, we have a special treat JUST FOR YOU. Mr. Tripp is far too busy to write his own essay this week, so this is YOUR CHANCE to write one just like his! You’ve said it a million times: you could write one of those in your sleep. You could write it better. You could teach your grandmother to suck eggs. Now, with this simple kit, you can write your own humorous petite-feuille and prove to the world that you’re just as amusing as Mr. Tripp, as are most rocks.

Before we get started, you’ll need to print these instructions. Otherwise you’ll have to write on your computer screen, or if you’re reading this in the New York Times, you’ll have to write in between the lines of the obituary section. All printed? Hair combed? Breath reeking of gin? You’re READ TO GO! The formula is simple. First, you must choose a topic. It’s easy as pie. Simply open your newspaper or other news delivery organ and look at the headlines. Does one of them sound interesting? GREAT! Read the article underneath the headline. Now think about what the article said. Did you agree with it? Did you think it was well written? Did it answer all the questions it raised? Was it truthful, or a pack of stinking lies? Who cares! Now you will make up a PRETEND ARTICLE based on the article you just read.

What is a pretend article? It’s just the same as a real article, except you didn’t go to journalism school. Sounds like a lot of work, doesn’t it. It is! But Mr. Tripp has done most of the work for you. All you have to do is fill in the blanks of the following template (a fancy word for a thing with blanks to fill in). When you’re done, submit the resulting PRETEND ARTICLE to the editors of your favorite magazine, newspaper, web site, or this publication. It’s THAT EASY! This example uses lots of big words and some quotes from famous people nobody actually reads, so you will sound IMPORTANT and SMART, just like Mr. Tripp.

A Few Words About [subject of article]

By [your pseudonym here]

It seems like only ___________ when I was _____________ by the old mill stream. In those days, you could ___________ a hundred ___________ and not see a single __________.

But times have changed. Nowadays, for every _________ there are ___________ _______ _________ than you can throw a stick at. So how come every time you __________ it seems like there’s a ____ _________ waiting to ___________ your _______?

I talked to ____________ about this ______. [He or She] said, “__________________ girth __________, egads! ___________ sacculiform, but ___________ nidifice.”

Sounds reasonable enough, but what happens when the __________ enough air? In fact, ______ __ ______ the size of your head. As Nietzche said, or maybe it was _________, “You can’t get ______ from a _______.” Nor, for that matter, can you lead a __ thysiastery. But does that mean you shouldn’t try? After, all, _______ _ _______ _______ ______, and he ended up ______. You could say this entire ___ ______ in 1787, but in revolutionary France people took that sort of thing for granted. Hey also took snuff, and look where that ___________. [Insert metaphor here].

In this same way, George W. Bush is a twiddlepated monster. But _________ exchequer, _______ Greenspan ___________ hokum _____. Simple twist the legs into position and tap into the sockets with the mallet. Use a piece of card or scrap lumber to ensure ______ the _______. Otherwise, _______. It should look more or less like [choose one: ‘the finished product’, ‘a model of the Eiffel Tower made out of asparagus’, ‘Lyle Lovett’].

As the sage of the desert, Saint-Euxpéry, once wrote, “Il y avait des graines terribles sur la planète du petit prince… c’étaient les graines de baobabs. Le sol de la planète en était infesté. Or un baobab, si l’on s’y prend trop tard, on ne peut jamais plus s’en débarasser. Il encombre toute la planète. Il la perfore de ses racines. Et si la planète est trop petite, et si les baobabs sont trop nombreux, ils la font éclater.”

How can you ________ with that?

[Now merely end the essay with a pithy closing sentence such as the following: ‘There can be no doubt that history repeats itself no less than gorgonzola eaten late at night. But unlike gorgonzola, history leaves a mark that cannot be laundered out.’]

BEN TRIPP is an independent filmmaker and all-around swine. His book, Square In The Nuts, may be purchased here, with other outlets to follow: http://www.lulu.com/Squareinthenuts. Swag is available as always from http://www.cafeshops/tarantulabros. And Mr. Tripp may be reached at credel@earthlink.net.

 

More articles by:

CounterPunch Magazine

minimag-edit

bernie-the-sandernistas-cover-344x550

zen economics

Weekend Edition
January 20, 2017
Friday - Sunday
Paul Street
Divide and Rule: Class, Hate, and the 2016 Election
Andrew Levine
When Was America Great?
Jeffrey St. Clair
Roaming Charges: This Ain’t a Dream No More, It’s the Real Thing
Yoav Litvin
Making Israel Greater Again: Justice for Palestinians in the Age of Trump
Linda Pentz Gunter
Nuclear Fiddling While the Planet Burns
Ruth Fowler
Standing With Standing Rock: Of Pipelines and Protests
David Green
Why Trump Won: the 50 Percenters Have Spoken
Dave Lindorff
Imagining a Sanders Presidency Beginning on Jan. 20
Pete Dolack
Eight People Own as Much as Half the World
Roger Harris
Too Many People in the World: Names Named
Steve Horn
Under Tillerson, Exxon Maintained Ties with Saudi Arabia, Despite Dismal Human Rights Record
John Berger
The Nature of Mass Demonstrations
Stephen Zielinski
It’s the End of the World as We Know It
David Swanson
Six Things We Should Do Better As Everything Gets Worse
Alci Rengifo
Trump Rex: Ancient Rome’s Shadow Over the Oval Office
Brian Cloughley
What Money Can Buy: the Quiet British-Israeli Scandal
Mel Gurtov
Donald Trump’s Lies And Team Trump’s Headaches
Kent Paterson
Mexico’s Great Winter of Discontent
Norman Solomon
Trump, the Democrats and the Logan Act
David Macaray
Attention, Feminists
Yves Engler
Demanding More From Our Media
James A Haught
Religious Madness in Ulster
Dean Baker
The Economics of the Affordable Care Act
Patrick Bond
Tripping Up Trumpism Through Global Boycott Divestment Sanctions
Robert Fisk
How a Trump Presidency Could Have Been Avoided
Robert Fantina
Trump: What Changes and What Remains the Same
David Rosen
Globalization vs. Empire: Can Trump Contain the Growing Split?
Elliot Sperber
Dystopia
Dan Bacher
New CA Carbon Trading Legislation Answers Big Oil’s Call to Continue Business As Usual
Wayne Clark
A Reset Button for Political America
Chris Welzenbach
“The Death Ship:” An Allegory for Today’s World
Uri Avnery
Being There
Peter Lee
The Deep State and the Sex Tape: Martin Luther King, J. Edgar Hoover, and Thurgood Marshall
Patrick Hiller
Guns Against Grizzlies at Schools or Peace Education as Resistance?
Randy Shields
The Devil’s Real Estate Dictionary
Ron Jacobs
Singing the Body Electric Across Time
Ann Garrison
Fifty-five Years After Lumumba’s Assassination, Congolese See No Relief
Christopher Brauchli
Swing Low Alabama
Dr. Juan Gómez-Quiñones
La Realidad: the Realities of Anti-Mexicanism
Jon Hochschartner
The Five Least Animal-Friendly Senate Democrats
Pauline Murphy
Fighting Fascism: the Irish at the Battle of Cordoba
Susan Block
#GoBonobos in 2017: Happy Year of the Cock!
Louis Proyect
Is Our Future That of “Sense8” or “Mr. Robot”?
Charles R. Larson
Review: Robert Coover’s “Huck out West”
David Yearsley
Manchester-by-the-Sea and the Present Catastrophe
FacebookTwitterGoogle+RedditEmail