FacebookTwitterGoogle+RedditEmail

Adventures in Online Dating

by BEN TRIPP

It has come to my attention that the way to find a mate these days is via the Internet. Now when I was of courting age, you did it the old-fashioned way, by ambushing a remote village and carrying off all the girls. It was an awful way to meet people, especially once all the skinny girls had been carried off. And finding eligible partners at bars isn’t much better. It is a sad testament to our culture that the most common crucible in which we form our lasting relationships is also where we deliberately become incoherent and throw up on strangers. But is it really any better to initiate relationships on a computer? Ever willing to go that extra mile in the name of journalistic investigation, I decided to find out for myself.

I discovered a wide variety of dating services online, including both general and special-interest formats. The sites catering to the public at large were humiliating, a vast hormonal stew comprised of equal parts loneliness, desperation, sexual braggadocio, and snapshots of the participants taken by accident through the window of a moving train. Most of the personal ads therein were frankly lewd. I gave these listings a cursory glance lasting three solid days and then moved on to the specialized dating sites. Here I struck the romantic motherlode. Swingin’ rabbis, stockbrokers, pangolin enthusiasts, vegetarians, Ukranians, ex-cons, people with rare allergies, fetishists, even Democrats, they all have their own little online love-nests. The next step was obvious: I had to pick a service and set up my own profile. I felt like Bill Kristof, boldly investigating the dark underbelly of self-exploitation.

But my wife cancelled her business trip, so I gave up on the whole enterprise. She and I don’t always see eye-to-eye on this undercover journalism thing, particularly since the cat food factory exposé fiasco. I hate to waste an effort, however, and so here for your enlightenment is my attempt at a personal ad suitable for most any online dating service.

WM, 38, Married with child old enough to answer phone. Don’t call. Cats 3, dogs 2. Astrological sign: Cancer (in remission). Drink: yes, usually beverages. Drugs: no. Don’t know where to get them. Self: 6’1″, hair yes, eyes 2, chins 1 1/2, occasional smoker, pipe only, no cigarettes or bong. Slight case of man tits. Own a kilt. Sports: cycling, kayaking, nervous pacing. Once tried bear wrestling, lost. Bear used illegal holds. Religion: Church of the Divine Vestibule. Favorite movie: 1932 King Kong. Favorite actress: Lilian Gish. Favorite actor: Bugs Bunny. Favorite quote: “Omnia iam fient quae posse negabam” (Ovid). No idea what it means. Politics left of center. Center right of center so politics actually in middle. Chaos ensues. Philosophy mixture of logical positivism and unfounded suspicion. Crazy about tautological equivalences. Favorite philosophers Sartre, Wittgenstein, Buddha, and Dr. Phil. Favorite author: Anonymous. Favorite Movie: Spirited Away. Favorite color: Dutch Boy Puce Moonbeam. Music: favor all music except Country Western. That said, I won’t turn away any line-dancing fans if they’re really stacked and don’t try to talk much. Favorite movie: The 400 Blows. Favorite food: Persian women. Favorite movie: Jaws. Turn-on: bed head. Turn-off: wax lips. Pet peeve: saying ‘Hat’ when you mean ‘trepidation’ (had GF with aphasia). Syndactylism, mild strabismus OK. Real boobs a must. Sexual depravity OK in moderation. Fill in the blanks: “Rolling around in warm goat cheese is sexy, a lively interest in the arts is sexier.” Especially those filthy Klimt paintings. Favorite movie: North by Northwest. People I admire: Ghandi, Zappa, Arundhati Roy, my wife, my son (is this spoiling the mood?), certain parts of Jayne Mansfield, Terry Gilliam. Favorite movie: Brazil. In my bedroom you will find: a bed. Also there’s some other furniture, and walls. I’m not sure I’m answering this question right. Favorite movie: Raging Bull. Books read recently: Island of Dr. Moreau; Ray Harryhausen: an Animated Life; Mein Kampf; Roof Framing Details Illustrated. Favorite movie: Annie Hall. Love to: cook, eat, explore all the different meanings of the word ‘climax’. Love: travel, trees, women, gorillas. Pref. Not all at same time. Good with children and animals. Was once bitten by an ostrich, also left hand crushed by a rhinoceros. Forgave both, I blame habitat pressures. Favorite movie: Night of the Living Dead. My ideal partner will be kind, gentle, funny, thoughtful, and intelligent, fan of Godzilla, politically active, well-read, funky, possibly human rights lawyer or doctor, ideally with experience as exotic dancer. Quick orgasms always a plus, but am willing to do homework. Prefer somebody that gets along well socially with my wife. Favorite movie: The Seven Samurai.

BEN TRIPP can be reached at credel@earthlink.net.

His book, ‘Square In The Nuts’, has been held up at the printers by thugs but will be released as soon as hostage negotiations conclude.

See also www.cafeshops.com/tarantulabros.

More articles by:

CounterPunch Magazine

minimag-edit

bernie-the-sandernistas-cover-344x550

zen economics

Weekend Edition
January 20, 2017
Friday - Sunday
Paul Street
Divide and Rule: Class, Hate, and the 2016 Election
Andrew Levine
When Was America Great?
Jeffrey St. Clair
Roaming Charges: This Ain’t a Dream No More, It’s the Real Thing
Yoav Litvin
Making Israel Greater Again: Justice for Palestinians in the Age of Trump
Linda Pentz Gunter
Nuclear Fiddling While the Planet Burns
Ruth Fowler
Standing With Standing Rock: Of Pipelines and Protests
David Green
Why Trump Won: the 50 Percenters Have Spoken
Dave Lindorff
Imagining a Sanders Presidency Beginning on Jan. 20
Pete Dolack
Eight People Own as Much as Half the World
Roger Harris
Too Many People in the World: Names Named
Steve Horn
Under Tillerson, Exxon Maintained Ties with Saudi Arabia, Despite Dismal Human Rights Record
John Berger
The Nature of Mass Demonstrations
Stephen Zielinski
It’s the End of the World as We Know It
David Swanson
Six Things We Should Do Better As Everything Gets Worse
Alci Rengifo
Trump Rex: Ancient Rome’s Shadow Over the Oval Office
Brian Cloughley
What Money Can Buy: the Quiet British-Israeli Scandal
Mel Gurtov
Donald Trump’s Lies And Team Trump’s Headaches
Kent Paterson
Mexico’s Great Winter of Discontent
Norman Solomon
Trump, the Democrats and the Logan Act
David Macaray
Attention, Feminists
Yves Engler
Demanding More From Our Media
James A Haught
Religious Madness in Ulster
Dean Baker
The Economics of the Affordable Care Act
Patrick Bond
Tripping Up Trumpism Through Global Boycott Divestment Sanctions
Robert Fisk
How a Trump Presidency Could Have Been Avoided
Robert Fantina
Trump: What Changes and What Remains the Same
David Rosen
Globalization vs. Empire: Can Trump Contain the Growing Split?
Elliot Sperber
Dystopia
Dan Bacher
New CA Carbon Trading Legislation Answers Big Oil’s Call to Continue Business As Usual
Wayne Clark
A Reset Button for Political America
Chris Welzenbach
“The Death Ship:” An Allegory for Today’s World
Uri Avnery
Being There
Peter Lee
The Deep State and the Sex Tape: Martin Luther King, J. Edgar Hoover, and Thurgood Marshall
Patrick Hiller
Guns Against Grizzlies at Schools or Peace Education as Resistance?
Randy Shields
The Devil’s Real Estate Dictionary
Ron Jacobs
Singing the Body Electric Across Time
Ann Garrison
Fifty-five Years After Lumumba’s Assassination, Congolese See No Relief
Christopher Brauchli
Swing Low Alabama
Dr. Juan Gómez-Quiñones
La Realidad: the Realities of Anti-Mexicanism
Jon Hochschartner
The Five Least Animal-Friendly Senate Democrats
Pauline Murphy
Fighting Fascism: the Irish at the Battle of Cordoba
Susan Block
#GoBonobos in 2017: Happy Year of the Cock!
Louis Proyect
Is Our Future That of “Sense8” or “Mr. Robot”?
Charles R. Larson
Review: Robert Coover’s “Huck out West”
David Yearsley
Manchester-by-the-Sea and the Present Catastrophe
FacebookTwitterGoogle+RedditEmail