FacebookTwitterGoogle+RedditEmail

What Happened to O’Reilly’s Loofa?

by ALEXANDER COCKBURN

Thanksgiving brought us the one-month anniversary of Bill O’Reilly’s disclosure on his show that “to protect my family” he had settled with Ms Andrea Mackris and her lawyer Benedict Morelli, thus cutting off what millions of O’Reilly haters had hoped would be a protracted season of public humiliation for Fox’s apex bully. The settlement established that all parties agreed there had been no wrong doing and as an earnest of good faith O’Reilly (if you believe the New York Daily News) had paid anywhere from $2 million to $10 million to Mackris, nice money if true, though not as nice as the $60 million Morelli had originally suggested to O’Reilly as a satisfactorily round figure.

But there remains the mystery of the transmuted loofa, about which I had been hoping for some pleasing courtroom exchanges. Let’s pick up the thread in the court document lodged in Nassau county, N.J., by Morelli on behalf of Mackris.

11.06 pm September 1, 2004.

O’Reilly calls Mackris, a 33 year-old innocent from the Show Me state, working as a producer on the O’Reilly show. She, poor lamb, says she thought it was about business and told him she’d call him right back. At this point, we surmise Ms Mackris may have activated a recording device and with the tape rolling, dialed the boss, who promptly gets down to business, launching into what the complaint harshly stigmatized as “a lewd and lascivious, unsolicited and disturbing sexually graphic talk”, about how he imagines he would handle business if they were in the West Indies.

First he’d get two wines into Ms Mackris, “maybe intravenously”. Then, “You would basically be in the shower and then I would come in and I’d join you and you would have your back to me and I would take the little loofa thing”

A loofa! This is no Motel 6, though it’s not the Ritz either, where loofas would scarcely be “little”, though admittedly size doesn’t come up in the description of loofa offered by the The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language: Fourth Edition. 2000.

SYLLABICATION:
loo·fa

VARIANT FORMS:
or loo·fah also luf·fa NOUN:
1. Any of several Old World tropical vines of the genus Luffa, having cylindrical fruit with a fibrous, spongelike interior.

2. The dried, fibrous part of the loofa fruit, used as a washing sponge or as a filter. Also called dishcloth gourd, vegetable sponge.

ETYMOLOGY:

Arabic loof singulative form of loofa.

And what is O’Reilly, so strong, so masterful, planning to do with this thing of Arab origin? “I would take the little loofa thing and kinda’ soap your back and rub it all over you, get you to relax, hot wate rand um You know, you’d feel the tension drain out of you and um you still would be with your back to me then I would kinda’ put my arms–it’s one of those mitts, those loofa mitts you know, so I got my hands in it and I would put it around front, kinda’ rub your tummy with it and then with my other hand I would start to massage your boobs, get your nipples really hard ‘cuz I like that and you have really spectacular boobs.”

At this point, in the document filed in the court house in Nassau County, which would indeed appear to be a transcript right down to the ums, there’s an ellipse.

“So anyway I’d be rubbing your big boobs and getting your nipples really hard, kinda kissing your neck from behind and then the other hand with the felafel thing”

NOUN:
1. Ground spiced chickpeas shaped into balls and fried.

2. A sandwich filled with such a mixture.

What happened to the loofa?

Maybe Abe Foxman called him on the other line to warn about “going Arab on us”.

And what is O’Reilly planning to do with the falafel?

“I would take the other hand with the falafel thing (sic)and I’d put it on your pussy, but you’d have to do it really light, just kind of a tease business.”

According to the courtroom document available for inspection on Smoking Gun, the quality of the conversation goes down hill from there on in. It may be that O’Reilly’s tour of Arab commodities was proleptic, as he began to shift gears through the vowel sounds. For an interesting discussion of the processes involved I recommend Sebastiano Timpanaro’s philological investigation, published in translation years ago by Verso, entitled The Freudian Slip. From loofa to felafel to Well, let Ms Mackris and her lawyer tell it their way. O’Reilly “suggested he would perform oral sex” on Ms Mackris and she would “perform fellatio on his ‘big cock’ but not complete the act”, maybe to conserve his energies for further deployment of the little loofa or the felafel, though the lifespan of a felafel in a shower is surely limited in duration. After the exciting fa-fel-fell monologue and what to Ms Mackris’ “repulsed” ear sounded like the hum of a vibrator and acoustic intimations of satisfactory climax O’Reilly launched into a discussion concerning how good he was during a recent appearance on “The Today Show”.

Mind you, though O’Reilly may have thought he was on safe political ground with presumptively Israeli falafel, the word ­ and indeed the snack ­ is also of Arab origin.

Thank you Ms Mackris. It must have been just horrible for you, but it was in a good cause. You gave us a bright moment in a dark year.

 

Alexander Cockburn’s Guillotined! and A Colossal Wreck are available from CounterPunch.

More articles by:

CounterPunch Magazine

minimag-edit

bernie-the-sandernistas-cover-344x550

zen economics

December 07, 2016
Michael Schwalbe
What We Talk About When We Talk About Class
Karl Grossman
The Next Frontier: Trump and Space Weapons
Kenneth Surin
On Being Caught Speeding in Rural America
Chris Floyd
In Like Flynn: Blowback for Filth-Peddling Fascists
Serge Halimi
Trump, the Know-Nothing Victor
Paul DeRienzo
Flynn Flam: Neocon Ex-General to Be Trump’s National Security Advisor
Binoy Kampmark
Troubled Waters: Trump, Taiwan and Beijing
Tom Clifford
Trump and China: a Note From Beijing
Arnold August
Fidel’s Legacy to the World on Theory and Practice
Dave Lindorff
Is Trump’s Idea To Fix a ‘Rigged System’ by Appointing Crooks Who’ve Played It?
John Kirk
Cuba After Fidel
Jess Guh
Repeal of Affordable Care Act is Politics Playing with the Wellbeing of Americans
Eric Sommer
Team Trump: a Government of Generals and Billionaires
Lawrence Davidson
U.S. Reactions to the Death of Fidel Castro
John Garvey - Noel Ignatiev
Abolitionism: a Study Guide
Clancy Sigal
Caution: Conspiracy Theory Ahead!
December 06, 2016
Anthony DiMaggio
Post-Fact Politics: Reviewing the History of Fake News and Propaganda
Richard Moser
Standing Rock: Challenge to the Establishment, School for the Social Movements
Behrooz Ghamari Tabrizi
Warmongering 99 – Common Sense 0: the Senate’s Unanimous Renewable of Iran Sanctions Act
Norman Solomon
Media Complicity is Key to Blacklisting Websites
Michael J. Sainato
Elizabeth Warren’s Shameful Exploitation of Standing Rock Victory
David Rosen
State Power and Terror: From Wounded Knee to Standing Rock
Kim Ives
Deconstructing Another Right-Wing Victory in Haiti
Nile Bowie
South Korea’s Presidency On A Knife-Edge
Mateo Pimentel
Some Notes and a Song for Standing Rock
CJ Hopkins
Manufacturing Normality
Bill Fletcher Jr – Bob Wing
Fighting Back Against the White Revolt of 2016
Peter Lee
Is America Ready for a War on White Privilege?
Pepe Escobar
The Rules of the (Trump) Game
W. T. Whitney
No Peace Yet in Colombia Despite War’s End
Mark Weisbrot
Castro Was Right About US Policy in Latin America
David Swanson
New Rogue Anti-Russia Committee Created in “Intelligence” Act
George Ochenski
Forests of the Future: Local or National Control?
December 05, 2016
Bill Martin
Stalingrad at Standing Rock?
Mark A. Lause
Recounting a Presidential Election: the Backstory
Mel Goodman
Mad Dog Mattis and Trump’s “Seven Days in May”
Matthew Hannah
Standing Rock and the Ideology of Oppressors: Conversations with a Morton County Commissioner
Kevin Zeese - Margaret Flowers
#NoDAPL Scores Major Victory: No Final Permit For Pipeline
Fran Shor
The End of the Indispensable Nation
Michael Yates
Vietnam: the War That Won’t Go Away
Michael Uhl
Notes on a Trip to Cuba
Robert Hunziker
Huge Antarctica Glacier in Serious Trouble
John Steppling
Screen Life
David Macaray
Trump vs. America’s Labor Unions
Yoav Litvin
Break Free and Lead, or Resign: a Letter to Bernie Sanders
FacebookTwitterGoogle+RedditEmail