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Breaking News

Bush Calls for Preemptive Attack on Mars & Moon; Cites Evidence of WMD

by GREG WEIHER

Many observers were taken aback in recent days by the president’s unanticipated call for the U.S. to go to the Moon and Mars. However, sources have recently revealed the true provenance of the farsighted Bush plan. The president had hoped to spare the American people the trauma of another national security alert, but governmental leaks reveal that the Office of Special Programs of the Pentagon has conclusive evidence that weapons of mass destruction are being amassed on the far side of the Moon. Furthermore, communications intercepts indicate that the Moon is acting as a client state for a terrorist regime on Mars.

Analysts said the announcement was based on specific and credible intelligence, though they "refused to divulge particulars because to do so might jeopardize future attempts to fabri…uh, gather information." When approached by reporters, however, one source quipped, "Where do you think all those craters came from? Meteor showers?"

Dr. Raymond Pharphlunng, authority on astronomy at the Lunar Institute of National Security Affairs (LINSA), and former head of the Space Desk in the Reagan State Department, found the argument for a lunar cache of weapons of mass destruction credible. "First of all," he said, "we don’t have conclusive evidence that they are not there. There are parts of the moon that we can’t see from Earth. Did you ever really stop to think about that?"

A soon-to-be-released position paper by the Project for a New American Lunacy argues that American homeland security can be guaranteed only when regime change occurs on the Moon and on Mars. Interviewed off the record, one of the co-signers of the report (who are referred to as neo-lunatics) was candid in his interpretation of the facts.

"You can’t pussyfoot around. You have to go for the big guy, number one. I’m talking about the Man in the Moon.

"A look at all those craters makes one thing very clear. Not only does this guy have weapons of mass destruction, but he’s used them on his own people in the past."

Skeptics point out that this appears to be a flip-flop from the U.S. position of the eighties when the Man in the Moon was on the C.I.A. payroll.

A high administration source said, "There’s a clear connection here to Al Qaeda and to Muslim fundamentalists. Did you ever take a good look at the flags of all those Muslim countries? Do you think it’s a pure coincidence that the moon is one of the primary symbols of Islam?

"And what is the ‘color of the prophet?’ And what color are Martians? And what about the fact that the moon is made of green cheese?!"

In a related story, the American Civil Liberties Union claims that Immigration and Naturalization Service agents have seized a number of suspects accused of being members of a sleeper cell in Roswell, New Mexico, though the INS would not confirm such activities. The local sheriff, however, said that his department has been cooperating completely with federal authorities. "None of the people [sic] that we’ve took into custody has actually been green, but almost all of them was a little peaked," said the sheriff. "That’s what the average American should be on the lookout for, you know, people that looks a little green around the gills, so to speak."

The giant defense contractor, Halliburton, has been put on a trillion dollar retainer to head up construction for a planned moon base, "Luna Liberator 1."

The first facility slated for construction is a large detention compound to be used for beings that are thought to be terrorists or terrorist sympathizers. The president has called for a new designation, "alien combatants," for the detainees. Speaking on condition of anonymity, a source in the president’s office noted "since the compound will be outside of the United States, the alien combatants cannot claim human rights protections, or protection for any other kind of rights for that matter, under the U.S. Constitution, which is way too good for their kind."

In the wake of these shocking developments, the president will also be calling for increased military aid to Israel, subsidies for the airline industry, reduced regulation of the major oil producers, and the abrogation of all environmental prohibitions on anything.

Also, the Department of Homeland Security announced today that anyone coming to the United States from a country that celebrates the Lunar New Year would have to be photographed, fingerprinted, and subjected to a cavity search.

GREG WEIHER is a political scientist and freelance writer living in Houston, Texas. He can be reached at gweiher@uh.edu.